Help needed... sons dad having another child!

[Lizamill86]

This is a long one but will try and summaries.... I am a bag of emotions and not sure how to deal with this situation

Currently my situation is;
I am a single parent with a 3.5 year old, his dad doesn’t see him through his choice but pays his maintenance no issues.

Past; my pregnancy was out the blue and not planned, I was actually never supposed to be able to have children (long story) but fell pregnant. I was with his dad at the time but he tried to force a termination on me as he said he never wanted kids in his life, after three failed attempts to go through with a termination I had my son. His dad seen him for the first three months then called it quits, I moved an hour away next to my family but tried for two years to get him to have access but only managed three visits in that. Last time being over a year ago. He told me at the time he would never have anymore kids as he didn’t want them in his life.

Now - I have just got an email to say he’s in a long term relationship and will shortly be having a new arrival, so my son will have a half sibling!! And to say I wasn’t hurt is an understatement... try three hours of crying and staring at my son whilst he slept as I was so broken heart for him.

What do I do?? Any help welcome good or bad??

staring at my son whilst he slept as I was so broken heart for him

Well I'm sorry you're upset, but from your little boy's viewpoint nothing is going to change. He doesn't see his dad anyway so his life won't alter at all.

Same with your life - your ex is long gone and what he does now isn't for you to worry about. As long as he pays his maintenance, you'll be fine.

I know it's a shock, but realistically you were not in a relationship with him so his life isn't going to affect you at all.

Does he support your DS financially?

It must be such a shock - what a shit .

There is nothing you can do.

What he didn't say was the "with you"... he didn't want to have children with you. A lot of men like to waste women's years.

I'm sorry you feel this way, but as stated nothing in you or your sons life will change. Make sure he continues to pay the maintenance.

He's an ex and really what happens in his life shouldn't be impacting yours.

Interesting that he is thinking in terms of familial relationships for ds. I wonder if he has finally grown up and realised that his children may want to know each other.
This may be a good thing for ds and lead to better things. It’s hard for you, but might be a good thing for ds.

My issue isn’t me... I’m big enough to deal with him not being with me and someone else! Frankly I wouldn’t have him knowing him, I would never be that desperate. My issue and upset comes from thinking how my son will take it (not now clearly) but as he grows up and knowing his dad hasn’t wanted anything to do with him but has now got another child he does want. That’s where my upset lies as I just see this loving, caring little boy and can’t imagine how someone could want him in there life.

Maintained yes he pays and more than he has too... we have a private agreement out with the child support scheme

I was in a similar situation as you albeit I never had any children. But my partner since Uni was adamant he didn't want to get married "young" we were in our (very) late twenties fgs! And couldn't imagine ever wanting kids, after remaining neutral to the idea over most of our twenties. I agonised over this, as i really loved him and he was my only ever real romantic partner. But my desire to marry and have children was so great that I thought i've still got time, to meet someone new, marry and have children before my bio clock really started to tick. So we ended it mutually, and remained on ok terms, it wasn't until about 10 months later I saw on his Facebook he'd proposed to a new woman, and "couldn't wait for our little family to begin" yep she was preggers. I was shattered. I then realised, when he said all that stuff about not marrying and not wanting kids, I realised he meant 'with me'. Its a been a few years and he's married with 2 kids from what i've heard (I deleted him of Facebook) and i'm still sat here in no better position than I was back them, no partner, no kids, well on the way to 40. So I can understand your pain, this man robbed me of my best years, then left me high and dry, whilst he gets to live out the dreams I wanted so badly for us with another woman, who at the time he only knew for a few months. I really feel your pain op, and I hope you find your resolution, i'm still waiting for mine x

Sorry I missed your recent update, my story won't apply much then. Best of luck for you and your son x

"Frankly I wouldn’t have him knowing him, I would never be that desperate"

If you wouldn't let him see your son even if he wanted to, I don't think you can reasonably be upset that your son might get upset that his dad doesn't see him.

The other child doesn't change things, do you think if he didn't have any other children your son would have been happy with the situation? This will bring a different type of upset but he will be just as upset. If anything, being a family man might open him up to seeing his son, if you were open to it.

@FatherB I think you miss read that, I have no feels or want for him in my life but regards my son I have done everything I can to try and help them have a relationship and open to most set ups to make it work but he doesn’t want a relationship with him. His reason being he doesn’t want to be a dad and doesn’t have the desire to play with him do normal dad things.

I hope he continues to pay the privately agreed amount. If he went to CMS you know you’d get less plus he’d get a reduction for the new child.

I wouldn't worry op. My bio dad didn't want me and I had minimal contact with him after he and my dm divorced when i was a baby - I saw him about 3 times as a child. He went on to have another wife and (at least) one other child (maybe more, I stopped speaking to him so don't know). Out of interest I found him on social media once - he has obviously been much more present with his new family with pics of them at school events and special occasions etc. It doesn't bother me tbh. I had a very happy childhood, my mum and family were/are loving and supportive and I don't feel as though I missed out on anything. I certainly don't harbour feelings of resentment or abandonment or whatever. I never knew the man so certainly don't miss him.

I suppose your question is, does he still not want contact? Having this new baby might shake him up a bit.

I can see why this would hurt you, I think as your son gets older you need to explain that his dad wasn’t ready to be a dad when you had him and then later on had another child. It’s horrible and I think you have to accept that you can’t make it ok because it’s not ok; we as adults can’t understand it so your son is going to struggle to understand it too. I think you must have always known that your son would struggle to understand why his dad wants nothing to do with him and this adds another layer to it.
This happened to an ex of mine (as in his dad did this) and he struggled with it but could accept it eventually. His dad got in touch with him as an adult and although he never really forgave his dad he did want a relationship with his brother which he managed as neither of them were at fault.

It may be in the future that his dad wants to get in touch with him and as much as his dad doesn’t deserve it you’ll have to think about what’s right for your son.

I would just say thanks for the info I assume the arrangement isnt going to change?

@Lizamill86

My apologies then. It read like you didn't want him in your sons life regardless so it came across (to me) a bit like "he doesn't want to be there, he's terrible! but even if he did I don't want him there."

I still think the same though, it won't change anything.

Either he wants to be there or he doesn't. Hopefully that changes now he has a new child but even if it doesn't I think as long as he's consistent to your son and doesn't flip flop then things should be manageable. There might be difficult questions but you would get those anyway.

I hope it all works out

@Lizamill86 it's horrible that these situations are so common. I just wanted to say that my dad left when I was 4 and I didn't have any contact with him until I was about 16 through me finding him and our contact (phone only) lasted on and off until I was about 18 and then nothing from him again.

It's sad that any child has to go through it. It I have my mum who I now recognise brought my sister and I up despite everything and loved/ loves us more than anything. I have put him behind now because he didn't want me so why should I waste my time on him?

You obviously love your son very much, so just keep that up and do what you can for him and that's all he needs. He doesn't need a "dad" that hasn't ever bothered with him. He will be okay x

*oh and he also has another new family! I think I have about 3 half siblings that I don't know

Bubs101 Im sorry to hear your story .Men can be very selfish ,and often think only about themselves sadly .Maybe at the time he just didnt feel ready ,and although he loved you maybe didnt want to be tied down .We dont have that luxury of waiting until the "right "time sadly .Often women get tired of waiting and have an "accident" not recommended but understandable I think .

I was unwanted along with a sibling (same parents, he just decided if he wasn't with my mum we weren't worthy or knowing him either). He married and had a baby I think just under two years after my mum left him. He stuck around for that kid for a while, then they broke up and she didn't see him for a couple years. Then they tried to get contact going but after a few sessions the daughter decided he's not worth it and he's out of her life too.
He tried getting in contact a year or so ago, but his message didn't admit fault just admitted there could be (which isn't the same in my eyes) so I haven't responded/accepted the message request. My sister deleted straight away. We think he realised he was nearing forty, with three children who he has nothing to do with, one parent dead the other not involved with him, his sibling doesn't want to know him, and so he was hoping to latch onto us.
Your son will question things one day, he'll wonder why he wasn't good enough. And honestly up until that message came through I wanted to know him, I wanted to find him, but as soon as I knew he was interested and saw on his profile the kind of man he still is, I knew he'd accidentally done the best thing for us. Your son will realise that, and he'll be grateful for the people that have been there for him even more.

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation years ago - DD was planned, my ex changed his mind and tried to force a termination which I refused to have. He moved out, saw DD a few times but sporadically and never paid any maintenance (we were overseas so no CMS). I brought DD back to the UK when she was five and there's been zero contact with her father since, but I've always been close to his mother and speak to/see her regularly. Ex married and now has two children, neither of whom know of my DD's existence. My DD is aware of this.

DD is 22 and has never known her father so there wasn't any adjustment period. She is philosophical and takes the view that he wasn't ready to be a father at that time. There are plenty of positives: one loving home, no uncertainty regarding contact, holidays, Christmas etc which some of her friends have had. She's just graduated with a first and seems balanced. I grew up in a seemingly nuclear family and have far more issues that she outwardly has!

Children are resilient and take their cues from you. I've never badmouthed her father, although she did take me to task once about not demanding money from him (I was lucky enough to have a good job and not need it). However I completely appreciate how you feel - I wondered what made this woman good enough to have children with yet I wasn't. Maybe it just wasn't the right time, and people do change.