I don't want to lose heart now but I'm scared I might

[Livingtothefull]

Here is what I have to contend with:

My DS is both physically and mentally disabled; I have to do everything for him - feeding, toileting etc. It doesn't sound like much but I tell you it takes its toll. I adore DS but it isn't him I struggle with but the work that goes with him. I am fortunate that DH does as much as me in caring for him if not more.

I am estranged from my family. Something happened recently which made me feel that DS was not welcome at family events. I feel that DS should be at the centre of things - that the first thing anyone in the family should do is say to us: 'We want you and DS to be there. What do you want us to do to help you make that happen?' But I never get this; I always feel that DS is an afterthought. That makes me very sad.

I have a physical condition (epilepsy) and a mental health condition (depression). I feel that the stress of the life I am living contributes to these conditions. I had a bit of a meltdown at work this week; I think that it was a seizure but it could also have been a panic attack, maybe both. I just couldn't articulate what I wanted to say and I feel that my boss didn't understand what was going on and that I had let him down. I don't know what is happening to me, I couldn't concentrate. My brain turns to mush when I am stressed.

I have arranged to see the doctor on Monday to try to get help with all this; I hope he doesn't recommend counselling because what is there to talk about? I have booked holiday for that day then I have to go back to work on Tuesday.

I am DREADING DREADING going to work then. I don't like living with that dread but I feel that I have let everyone down; my family, my manager, my team - by being unable to hold down a job. I could lose my job now, it is a senior role and the way I have acted is not good enough. I have worked so hard to get a professional career and I am failing.

For the first time ever this week I thought about doing away with myself. Just dropping of a tall building (the one I work in is quite a tall one). Oh but I just cant; I can NEVER leave my DS, I am here for him and will stay here. But where does that leave me? Suffering and awaiting more guilt and shame next week.

I wish you well at the doctors this morning.
I think you are doing a great job.

There could be any number of things, even people without huge overloaded plates like you, get troubles with their thyroid, flu, menopause, need changes in medication for epilepsy. It could be anything but it just the last thing added on top if your already (laden down) heavy plate.

You need some rest to recover. People without disabled sons need a rest, and you definitely need one. Ask for a cert for the week.
Just take a deep breath. We are all supporting you here.

When you feel better, physically, Write the details of some of the problems you are experiencing eg. The socks and the bus station. I will also write letters of complaint (I love writing letters) I promise you. they wont ignore 2 people, especially if one of them is in Ireland and nowhere near the bus depot

You are fully supported here. Dont lose heart, you are doing great. Ask the doctor for a few days off. Good luck.

Thank you so much. I was OK at the doctor's today....have a new medication to help me through particularly stressful times plus a recommendation to counselling. Just the prospect of having some meds to calm me down when I need it, makes me feel a little calmer already iykwim.

I had a bit of a scare afterward though....was trying to arrange a transaction through the bank and I forgot my account number. I have had the same number since I was 18 and am several decades older now; took for granted I knew it off by heart and it would know it would be there; suddenly, gone. It is as though the stress flooding my head, obscured the mental 'hooks'.

I have remembered it since; but I am really worried now I am going mad.

I will try to rest today & talk to my boss about reducing my hours and working from home etc. I just want to get through this challenging time and ensure nobody loses faith in me.

Thanks so much for your offer help 3luckystars....may follow this once I get myself together! More than anything I want to fight for a supportive environment for DS and those like him.

Just for the socks, have a look at girls' teen sections and also football or rugby socks.

Thank you all...yes I will look for alternative Mabelface for his socks and those are good places to look. They can't be too bulky but some girls' knee socks (that aren't too overtly girly) may work.

I was really in a bad place today....forgot account and security numbers I have known off by heart for years. They have since come back though but it was really scary while it lasted. I still am having difficulties recalling random words but I hope it is temporary as well.

I know you have a lot going on ( and i can empathise with much of it as I was also a mum/carer to a disabled DD, although she is sadly no longer with us) but do you think the forgetfulness could be linked to the menopause?

Stress can mess with your memory xx

Thank you so much for your post bigbluebus, I am so sorry for your loss.

The menopause is a possibility though it isn't something the doctor mentioned...I need to go back to see her shortly so may mention it then.

Op I have no experience of this but I wanted to say don’t minimise everything that you’re doing. In your first line You say you do everything for him then you say it doesn’t sound much. It bloody does! It’s fine to acknowledge that you do an awful lot and it’s hard. Be kinder to yourself and please don’t feel guilt or shame. It sounds like you’re an amazing mum

@Livingtothefull, how are you today?

I am fine thank you YogaLite, it went OK today at work so all good.

Thanks for your post Itsashame, I will try to be kind to myself and less critical...I am conscious I am only doing what any half way decent parent would do for their DC.

I am sitting up again, long after I should....wanting to put off tomorrow by prolonging today. Dear sweet baby boy is home tomorrow and I want to be a DM worthy of him.

Fear is just horrid. It is an insidious thing. I want to be free of fear; but I never will, fear is determined to pursue me to the grave.

Fear has its roots in evil; there are evil people out there. Many of them are going to vote Tory at the forthcoming election. I don't mean that all Tory voters are evil, but you need to be aware of what you are voting for and how you are perceived. Do you really want the most vulnerable in our country to suffer more?

I have learned (from first hand experience) that there are people who would make him feel inferior if they could, that is what they do.

I want my sweetheart baby boy to be wrapped up in love; but I can't protect him from the malice and ill will of a significant minority of people and that is a torture to me. It's just me I know - me being contrary - but just don't understand why my sweet boy can't just be protected and cared for. I cant comprehend why and how we have turned into such a cruel and callous country.