Help me with Christmas plans before I tear my hair out?

[LovingLif3]

First world problems coming up. DH and I got married last year so we were on honeymoon in the sun over Christmas. Bliss! This year we are doing the usual thing of trying to work out how best to arrange our Christmas around our family groups.

Main two groups:
My family ( 2 elderly parents & 2 brothers- I don't get on with parents but see them about 3 x a year, expected at Christmas)
DH Mum, her partner & his siblings & their partners

Additional two groups if it works:
DH father & new wife
My niece & nephew who live with their Mum (divorced from my brother).

The families all live around 2 hours from me and DH and around an hour apart. We can't host DH Mum's side as our flat is too small for the numbers (13 people). Neither of the two main groups can host each other or join forces due to logistics. My parents don't want to travel to us they are elderly. When we visit DH Mum and his Dad we have to stay in a hotel as there's no space. DH Mum gets very tearful if we don't spend at least two days there. We also need to hire a car as we live in a city and dont use one normally. Quite costly in total.

I know so many of us experience this merry dance each year. How does one begin to work out Christmas? When where and how to do it all?

I'm dreading it and wishing I could just go on another honeymoon! To top it all off I'm 6 weeks pregnant and high risk, so won't be telling anyone by Xmas day- so I'll be having to conceal the fact that I'm not drinking as well as avoiding certain foods.

Please offer me some advice and help me keep my sanity!

Your parents Christmas eve.
Dh mum and siblings Christmas day
Dh Dad boxing day.
Go and see the neices and nephews between Christmas and new year. Or New Year.
Next year
Dh Dad Christmas eve.
Your parents Christmas day
Dh Mum and sibs on Boxing day.
Rotate it each year.

Stop living to meet other people's expectations. His mother gets tearful? That's not your responsibility.

Your priority this year should be your pregnancy. All of this stress is pointless and it doesn't have to be this way. Tell everyone that due to serious health concerns you will be staying home this Christmas, and you will make arrangements to see everyone when it is safe to do so.

I'm sorely tempted to do that Aqua but i fear that would cause a whole lot of drama and questions I don't need!

I am not sure that you do ‘ do it all’ particularly if you are in early stages of a high risk pregnancy. And you don’t want to establish the precedent that you do the running around. No help, I know.

So I think I would firstly find out what the main groups were planning and when.
I might then try to find a base ( maybe your parents, maybe a local hotel) and plan to eat Christmas dinner with one group and visit the other group Boxing Day, or Christmas Eve. DH mum May well be Terry but she needs to get over that, he is married and has his own family now, she will learn to let go.

Or, if I was really being me - book a babymoon 😂Congratulations and best wishes for your pregnancy 💐

You're a grown woman , op. You don't have to answer any questions you don't want to. Any "drama" is their problem. It's best to learn this now before a baby is in the mix.

I'm with @Aquamarine1029 on this. Consider whether you should be going to anyone at all. It's your first Christmas at home since you married, last Christmas was your honeymoon, didn't feel like Christmas, yadda yadda yadda, just want a cosy romantic Christmas your two selves, witter witter witter.

Do NOT get yourselves locked into a rota - that's even harder to get out of once people expect that it's 'their' year. Avoid this if at all possible.

You aren't leaving anyone alone at Christmas, it looks as if everyone has family they're going to share Christmas with. Seriously, consider the benefits of having your first Christmas at home, just you two. Visit family post-Christmas, and do not be blackmailed by anyone's tearfulness. Start as you mean to go on - in control of your own life and time.

You need to nip this in the bud now.

You won't be able to or want to do these journeys next year when the baby is here.

Can't everyone come near ish you so that everyone is travelling? Book somewhere for dinner and all stay in a hotel?

@woogal unfortunately my parents frailty and the number of DH siblings and all their partners mean the middle area hotel / dinner option isn't a possibility. But I do hear what people are saying. If I was being 100% selfish I would say I'm staying at home. I do want to fit in my parents one one of the days as they are elderly.
DH Mum is really quite emotionally manipulative with the tears etc. She recently wanted to see DH as she hadn't seen him for a month or so. She literally turned up by his work saying she was shopping, even though the shopping centre is 3 hours drive away from her home! He was working extra on a Saturday and she basically said she was there and could he see her. The week previously she had asked me if DH would be free and I'd said probably not as he'd be working all weekend. He then said she kept texting him asking him to step out of his work to see her! So he felt put in a difficult situation and was really stressed about it.
I have said we need to address this as, if we do have this baby okay, I don't want her turning up out if the blue or pressuring us to see her.
Anyway sorry if that's what they call a drip feed!

Imo have Christmas day home - next year you def won't want to travel with a young a baby.
Boxing day with one family, new year's day with another.
Imo the whole point of being an adult/in a relationship and having your own place is to make your own Christmas!!
Your dc won't want every year to mean leaving gifts at home whilst appeasing the whole family!!

As a pp has said, I wouldn't do anything this year that naturally leads to an expectation of a rota, as next year when you have your baby, you're going to want the flexibility to do whatever suits you.

Personally I think I'd do Christmas at home and then do the rounds between Christmas and new year.

High-risk pregnancy, stay home. Give it two weeks and then come down with something id you don't want to tell them. All other options sound physically and mentally exhausting. Next year will be even worse.

Thanks guys, I agree next year will be different and I'm sure I won't want to do it, but if we have the baby okay then at least I feel like I'll have an excuse next year. This year I'm not sure what I can say without a arousing suspicion and I'm not going to announce the pregnancy. Feel like I need to find some sort of middle ground compromise that is easier for me and helps with the concealing pregnancy whilst ticking off the two main family commitments to an extent - even if not as long as MIL would want.