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Original poster

Do you have many friends?

61 replies

ChocolateTea · 22/11/2019 22:17

Sitting here feeling Christmassy. Really fancy a day out, shopping, nattering, cinema. Happy to do these things alone, but actually made me realise, I don't have any female friends to suggest this to.

I have a partner. I have work colleagues I get on well with. I have a couple of close male friends. I have groups of old school mates I occasionally have lunch with. But flicking through my phone I realised, I don't actually have any girlfriends.

I walked away from a toxic group a few years ago, and guess I never replaced them. I had a couple of close friends in my 20s, but we grew apart. My closest friend for 10 years once kids and work etc happened in my early thirties, we drifted too.

So now I've made myself blue, thinking I want a nice day out but have no one to go with.

Anyone else just not have that close friend in their life?

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 22/11/2019 23:35

I have loads. And similarly to BackforGood, I have different friends for different moods and activities. I’ve always found it easy to make friends. I also like my own company though; going shopping on my own is a treat.

Whatsmyageagain0 · 22/11/2019 23:35

Someone needs to invent an app like tinder but for friends only.
Becuase there’s loads of us out there lacking friends to do things with.

AutumnLover19 · 22/11/2019 23:38

Over the last few years my friends seems to have moved on... some have moved away/ new partners/ or just have very little in common.

Not going to lie, it hurts but I have learnt to make new friends through work/ gym/ contacting old school friends. Have a handful of brilliant friends but can totally relate.

worcestersauce29 · 22/11/2019 23:45

no

BackforGood · 22/11/2019 23:52

I might not have worded my first post well.
What I perhaps should have said was

If I wanted to spend a few hours mooching round a Christmas Market with someone, then I wouldn't think I'd need "a close friend" who I can ask to come and do that with me, I'd think "who likes mooching round Christmas Markets", and ask them. If I didn't immediately think of someone, I might put it on Facebook 'Anyone fancy a day out in X on Saturday to have a mooch round the Christmas Market?' and then someone you might not have originally thought of, might reveal they like doing that too, and off you go and have a good afternoon. They aren't committing to sign up to a long term, deep and meaningful friendship, but you might find you really enjoy the time and they might say - I was thinking of going to the market in (insert different City) in a fortnight, do you want to come?

I've done that a couple of times when I've ended up with spare tickets for things (1 a gig and 1 a sporting event) and both times was quite surprised at the people who came - not people I'd have phoned up and asked, but we then had a great time as we were doing something we both enjoyed.

coldfeetallthetime · 22/11/2019 23:56

None

Drinkciderfromalemon · 23/11/2019 00:01

Several "call at 2am and I will collect you from jail and provide an alibi" types. Unfortunately, they all live far away.

coldfeetallthetime · 23/11/2019 00:02

@Whatsmyageagain0 I’ve said that before on threads like this. Wish I had the ability to make an app.

Ribbityrib · 23/11/2019 08:21

" in your late thirties, well people seem to have solid friendships of 20 years plus you either join in the sidelines of, or can't get involved with"

I don't think this is true, but the fact you think it is maybe relevant. I went through a period as a teenager when I had v few friends. I started thinking that the problem was me, and I think probably gave off strong 'keep away' vibes as I got into a cycle of protective self-doubt and low self esteem. These days I'm lucky enough to have a lot of good friends, and one thing I've found is that friendship attracts friendship. I am in my early 40s but still make new friends regularly, either via other friends or just randomly at the park with the kids etc. Sure, they aren't the same as my friends of 30+ years, but I value them a lot, and some of them I'd certainly meet for a day out (not shopping as I hate it, but something similar). I suspect some of the difference in my difference in friend potential between now and my teens is that I'm more open to the possibility of them now. Not that it was my 'fault' as a teenager, there were reasons I spiralled into that situation. But might there be an element of you closing yourself off to new friends because there is a bit of a vicious circle of self-reinforcement going on? 'oh everyone already has their good friends by my age' - and therefore no point in trying - and therefore no friends? Apologies if that
is off the mark or sounds a bit heavy!

Ribbityrib · 23/11/2019 08:23

I think I'm maybe saying something similar to Backforgood, but from a different angle.

sonjadog · 23/11/2019 09:21

If you would like someone to go out for the day with, then I suggest you contact either one of your friends at work or one of your old school friends and ask them. It sounds like you have friends there, but if you would like to get closer to them, you still need to take that final step.

Racmactac · 23/11/2019 09:25

I never had any real friends until fairly recently. I split with ex and they just kind of took care of me. I knew them fairly vaguely.
Now we chat all the time, go out together and we are there for each other.

FireUnderpants · 23/11/2019 09:28

My sister is my best and only friend.

I have coffees with mums from DCs school, but there's no way we'll still be meeting up once we reach secondary schools.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 23/11/2019 09:28

I have a lot of aquantences and 4 close friends although, thinking about it now those friendships have drifted over the past year (my fault, I became a bit of a hermit after getting pregnant and having my son, but then they made no effort to get me out either)
I'm more inclined to call upon my cousins if I wanted a day as described in your op.

OneIsAWorldOfBooks · 23/11/2019 09:58

I have probably 4 friends that I could meet up with for a day like that. Also a few work friends that I could happily meet up with and a uni friend I have lunch/coffee with sporadically.

It’s only been the last few years I’ve had this many friends though. I was very lonely after I left my abusive ex and realised all but one of my so called friends had stood by him. I’m also not close with any of my family and don’t really get on with MIL or SIL and that makes me really sad. I hear of people having days/nights out with their moms/sisters/in laws and although I have a lot of people I can do those things with, it does upset me that I don’t have that kind of relationship with family.

BackforGood · 23/11/2019 14:43

I agree @Ribbityrib

There are threads like this on N every couple of weeks.
I get the impression from many that people think "friends" have to be someone who has signed up to some long term 'relationship agreement (a la Big Bang Theory), whereas I don't ever 'think about' if someone is a 'good friend' or 'close friend' lest a lone a 'best friend'. I just think "Oh, I fancy going to.... {insert theatre /a walk / city break / a talk / to make cocktails / to Carol Service / whatever} ..... I'll give X a ring and see if they want to come. then I enjoy their company, for that activit , on that occasion.
Then, by accident, looking back, I realise that X and I have actually been hanging out one way or another for 20 years. However I might only call them when doing Activity A, and I'll call Friend Y when doing Activity B, etc.
I don't feel jealous if Friend Y goes and does Activity C with their other friend 'Z', which is something I read about on MN.
I don't "rate" friends into 'Best Friend' or not.
I just hang with people I find it fun to hang with.

Chesntoots · 23/11/2019 15:16

I have none

Moomin8 · 23/11/2019 17:12

Ah, interesting @ChocolateTea Thanks

Original poster
ChocolateTea · 23/11/2019 17:20

The problem is with the work friends is they have families etc on weekends. I spent years as a single parent, so guess I just didn't fit with a lot who did family/partner things in a weekend, hence quite comfortable in my own company for stuff

One of my team mates today suggested we could do something one day, which is good. I am trying, but maybe I do need to look a bit more at it

I have put notes on Facebook before and had no replies. Which means I've not wanted to throw myself out there as much. But maybe I'll try again. In fact I will. I'll set a status asking if anyone is up for it on a weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateTea · 23/11/2019 17:21

Flowers to everyone else here who feels a bit lonely or a bit lost

OP posts:
BackforGood · 23/11/2019 18:00

The problem is with the work friends is they have families etc on weekends.

But that doesn't mean they are glued to them all weekend, every weekend. Lots of folk would like to do something they they will enjoy with another adult, but not necessarily with their dc or their partner. There's loads of things I like doing that dh doesn't, and that he likes doing the I don't. Nice to find a fellow enthusiast for your interest.

Ribbityrib · 23/11/2019 18:06

I agree, this is another assumption about peoples desire or otherwise to socialise that may not be grounded in reality. I don't see weekends as fenced off family time. We see friends all the time at the weekend, sometimes as a family, sometimes one on one.

TheReluctantCountess · 23/11/2019 18:23

No, none. I had one, but she’s made new friends and I’m not part of that.

tisonlymeagain · 23/11/2019 18:24

I did, until I got divorced.

Original poster
ChocolateTea · 23/11/2019 18:38

BackforGood and ribbity, I know my colleagues well enough to know this bit. We do socialise as a team, but even then it's hard to get a date. But I do take on what you're saying. In the past I've had great friends I've met through work

Tisonly my divorce really impacted me too. Didn't help exH and I grew up together so had a lot of cross over friends

OP posts: