Anyone elses child never get invited to parties and for playdates?

[TheOrangeAeroBubbles]

DD is 5, in year 1.

Seen on Facebook yet another class party she’s not been invited to, that’s 5 this year. Some are all/most of the girls from the class, some the whole class.

According to the teacher she has friends, is well behaved and is never lonely at lunchtime. We’ve had playdates with friends from school but she’s never been invited back. I invite them to my house, I do nice but simple foods I know the kids will eat, always take note of allergies/preferences and they always say they have fun with DD.

There is another girl in her class with the same name, but the other children know my DDs surname (I know they do as they come up sometimes and say to their parent/carer “this is (DDs name and surname)”) and the surname of the other child with the same name in the class has a surname at the complete opposite end of the register so I don’t think it’s that. I do drop off every morning and pick her up 3 nights out of 5, ExH does the other 2 nights, so it’s not like no-one ever sees me and doesn’t know me/ExH. I talk to the other parents, and although I don’t know their names I know to look at who Sarah’s mum is and who Daniels mum is (obviously not real names). They talk to me back, and I ask questions about them and stuff but maybe it’s me?

She went to a private Nursery with about a dozen kids from her class, so it’s not like she’s not known.

She’s never been to a party of anyone other than her cousins. And it’ll be something else that gets talked about that DD has no idea about. I feel so sad for her. She is NT and school have no concerns over her social skills. She does 2 extracurricular activities with some of the kids from her class so is known through that too (not chosen deliberately but it’s that kind of town).

Is there anything I can do to increase her chances of getting invited?

Hello! I have a similar issue with play dates - we have lots of kids over and although a couple ask my DS back, many don't. Like your daughter, he is friendly, sociable and I think well-liked. I have come to notice a bit of a pattern that friends with siblings ask people back much less often - I assume maybe cos parents are busier?

Regarding parties, we do ok - sort of middling I guess. For these, I think the key thing is befriending the parents. At this age, I think it's often the parents who have sway over list-making, and effectively choose which children should be invited. Do you do pick ups/drop offs? If so, do you mingle with other parents? If not, is there any way you could get to meet some of them - maybe through PTA?

I think the main thing though is that if she is not noticing it much then don't worry too much yourself. It's easier said than done, I know, but these things seem to change very quickly year on year when at primary school.

Do you have a class list do they definitely know - it seems odd she would be ignored for class parties!

Do you do pick ups/drop offs?

I drop off in the mornings every day, I pick up on Monday, Tuesday and Friday. ExH picks up on Wednesday and Thursday.

If so, do you mingle with other parents?

Yes I chat to them, I ask about holidays, half terms their jobs etc. They chat back to me.

Do you have a class list do they definitely know - it seems odd she would be ignored for class parties!

No class list that I know of due to GDPR

What do you do for a living? In some schools children's parties and playdates are used to get the parent up the social ladder.
If the teacher genuinely doesn't know why she isn't invited, pound to a penny that's why.

What do you do for a living?

I work with vulnerable adults (can't say more) and ExH works in retail.

Honestly we had a child in DDs class who was hard work. Asked for X and wouldn’t eat it and demand (yes demand) Y
Wouldn’t play games the other children wanted to play. Complained about everything. Hated the dog (we should remove it before a play date)

Mum did everything the kid asked for, changed the dinner, brought blue socks as she no longer wanted pink ones, bent over backwards

Little things like this really grate. I never did while class parties and wouldn’t leave the girl out, but she never got invited back to our house or several others homes either.

Not suggesting any of this is your daughter, but could something similar be going on?

My DD doesn't get invited to palydates. She does get invited to class parties. It might be a mix up, with the other child with your DD name?

but could something similar be going on?

I don't understand what you're saying the problem is?

I have had children from her class to playdates.

..... But no return invite.

It might be a mix up, with the other child with your DD name?

I'm not sure, the other child with DDs name has a completely different surname (ours begins with A as example and there's is W) so I didn't think it could be but maybe?

If you're chatting and mingling then that is a bit weird. Can you do a casual "I see so-and-so had a party last week - did your DS/D go?" kind of thing, and use it as a way to test the water?

I could have written this about my DS (5), it makes me feel sick when I see another child has had a party, or I see invites being handed out again, and we don't get one. But I have asked him if he's happy at school and he says he is. So I try not to dwell on it too much.

How are invites distributed?

I’m wondering if there is a group email or whatsapp chat that you’ve somehow got left off... and the invites get sent that way. And of course you never see the invites, and the parents don’t necessarily go through and check the numbers add up.

Otherwise I cannot see why this would be happening based on what you’ve said, especially whole class parties.

GreenTulips is saying, I think, that maybe your DD is a PITA and you don’t know/admit it. But if you were that type of parent, I don’t think you’d be here asking the question.

Yes we have a group char that things go through maybe it’s that

Are play dates definitely a thing in your school and for this age group?

My child is in P3 and only just had their first play date.

Invites are allowed to be given out in class but I've never seen them, not sure if I've missed something?

DD is an only child but isn't spoilt or demanding, in school she's well behaved, at home she can be a bit of a monster but never in front of people. I've been told she has friends and she says she likes school, so I'm certain she doesn't misbehave.

Are play dates definitely a thing in your school and for this age group?

The parents always accept, and I always invite them to come along too (some do some don't)

Do you live far?

I have this with my son, it makes me sad but he doesn’t seem to mind too much.
He is friends with a small group of girls so misses out on the “girls only” parties (they all seem to have had pamper parties this year so he hasn’t been invited), has been moved into a spilt class as one of the older ones so is missing out on the parties of the friends in his old class. Plus I only do one pick up a week and the other parents are all friends from way back so hard to mingle and I think they tend to invite friend’s kids to small outings rather than proper parties.
He is doing great at school, Is genuinely a nice kid, teachers say he is a friend to everyone but doesn’t have a “best friend”. That might work in his advantage really but I know how you feel at the lack of invites.

Do you live far?

About half a mile from school. I don't drive to or from school as I'd have to park roughly that distance from school to then walk. Takes about 10-15 minutes depending on weather.

Is there a class whatsapp and have you joined it? Invites are often posted on that.

I think your only option tbh is to ask the teacher or some other mums (maybe ones who haven’t held parties) if they know why. Especially being left out of whole class parties - that’s pretty unusual (I would hope anyway) and would suggest either a mistake, or there is something about your DD’s behaviour which you’re not aware.

Teacher wasn't in today but mentioned to one of the mums I'm particularly friendly with about DD never seeming to go to parties and she says she'd noticed but didn't think it was DDs fault as everyone says she's lovely. So maybe we are just missing invites.