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Original poster

Help.. My 11 YO is horrible

26 replies

StressedMumLincs · 21/11/2019 21:08

I'm totally at my wits end, I dont know what else to do, I've tried reasoning, being firm, taking technology away and still my child is rude, unpleasant, disrespectful and soooooo controlling. At a friends home this evening (her godparents) she was very out of order and I took her phone as punishment, I literally was wrestling her to get it off her, then she throws the mother of all fits and refuses to leave with me. I don't know what else to do, I've had to leave her there. I need help, she's out of control and she totally manipulated the situation to get her own way.

At home she's very controlling of me, like she's my equal or I'm her possession. She invades my bed every night, won't even get in her own bed, treats the house like a tip, leaving a wake of destruction behind. I feel like I've nothing left to give, I'm exhausted, drained, physically and emotionally.
Any suggestions, coz I'm totally out of ideas, who can help is these situations? I've no family to help

OP posts:
HamptonThought · 21/11/2019 22:04

Has she always been like this or is it a new thing?
Don't underestimate the influence of hormones. My DD went through about 6 months of being a real challenge aged 9/10ish and I'm convinced it was hormonal. She gets quite bad PMT (like me) now.
Is her father on the scene?
Could you sit her down and have a heart to heart? Tell her how much you love her and want to improve your relationship. Be open, suggest stuff.
I would look to remove the phone as much as possible too.

formerbabe · 21/11/2019 22:14

My ds is 11 and can be totally obnoxious sometimes yet sometimes absolutely lovely....hormones I think!

Is she still at primary or has she started secondary?

DragonMamma · 21/11/2019 22:16

Mine’s the same. I could happily wring her neck a lot lately.

It’s definitely hormones and starting secondary school...the sass is killing me!

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GuessWhoColeen · 21/11/2019 22:16

I would ask to speak to someone from her school.

ThisIsReworked · 21/11/2019 22:19

Talk to school. Is she like this there? If not, perhaps someone can point you at some parenting support. DDs school offer one off and series of things like that regularly.

Original poster
StressedMumLincs · 21/11/2019 22:27

HamptonThought
She's always been hard work, always been jealous, even if the cat gets on my lap, she pushes her out of the way to cuddle up to me. He father has never been in her life, has nothing to do with her.. I've refrained from dating, did try, but her behaviour scared people off. Tried explaining how she makes me feel her default response "I don't care".

Formerbabe
She's in her 1st year (year 7) of grammar. She struggles with friends because everything is so black and white to her and she can't compromise.

DragonMamma
She started her periods earlier this year and hasn't really been too bad with hormones, the usual dramatics, spots and demanding of Galaxy chocolate.

GuessWhoColeen
Thanks, I'll call the head of Lower school tomorrow, will need to explain why she has none of her homework or school books anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedMumLincs · 21/11/2019 22:29

ThisIsReworked
Thanks, I think she behaves reasonably well at school, not had any warnings at all, it's just me she comes home and is pretty abusive too 😭

OP posts:
Dilkhush · 21/11/2019 22:36

Schools and councils sometimes offer parenting sessions. The information they give in the presentation isn't always that useful, but it's lovely feeling that you're not alone and learning from what other parents do when their kids are difficult. Maybe ask the school if they can recommend something?

sirmione16 · 21/11/2019 22:39

I feel the godparents shouldn't have enabled that reaction. They should be siding with you and discipline. You need to talk to them, as that could strengthen your position of power as such

Lindy2 · 21/11/2019 22:48

She struggles with friends because everything is so black and white to her and she can't compromise

My 11 year old daughter is very like this. She also behaves very like you have described your daughter.

She has a diagnosis of ADHD and also is very likely on the autistic spectrum. All emotions are very very intense which combined with normal hormones is absolutely exhausting.

Your daughter is at a grammar school so must be doing well academically. Do you think it might be worth talking to your school Senco about her behaviour? Does the school have any concerns at all?

OxiBrilloRange · 21/11/2019 22:55

Is she 'clumsy' OP?

absopugginglutely · 21/11/2019 22:57

@StressedMumLincs have you considered that she may have a form of ASD called pathological demand avoidance? What you describe sounds very similar. Look it up on the national autistic society website. Flowers

OxiBrilloRange · 21/11/2019 22:57

I meant to add

And does she seem unable to process simple repeated requests, Like "shoes in the hall"

Does she seem unable to coordinate herself?

Or forget simple things (like homework or pe?)

If so, she might have dyspraxia,

OxiBrilloRange · 21/11/2019 22:58

Also - as a op just said, PDA is a possibility

TwattyX · 21/11/2019 23:07

You’ve just described my DD, she has ASD. Have a quick google of girls on the spectrum and masking. Might be an eye opener. My DD also has PDA traits but not enough to diagnose.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/11/2019 07:44

parenting class (it will either help or be the first step in a diagnosis process)
research asd
and adhd
anything else that posters say it reminds them of on here

if you are concerned that she may have any of the things mentioned, or that parenting calss does not work then see your GP for a referral.

(do you have ds's twin by the way? )

Original poster
StressedMumLincs · 22/11/2019 08:05

Thanks guys for all the suggestions.. I've always know that she's different to other children, my mum used to say "she'll grow out of it" but her behaviours are getting worse.
She folds long socks over under her feet so they look like short socks, so the seems can't hurt her, I have to cut the labels out of her clothes (given up buying nice ones) if there is still a hint of label left, she takes the scissors to the and cuts it out of the seem so there are holes in most of her clothes, she can't follow simple instructions, like take you plate to the kitchen, or time to get your shoes on. We are always late because of her faffing and inability to get ready or be remotely organised. Just as a side note, she is deaf on the right side, despite lots of tests, there is no reason for it, the cochlea just doesn't work.
Even as a small child she didn't seem to understand that she had hurt me or the cats or another child and certainly would not say sorry, to sit her on the bottom step on the stairs was the worst thing ever... I've watched nanny 911 and never seen a child perform the way mine does.
If she had kids in the village round socially, after about half an hour she'd vanish up to her room because she couldn't deal with it, she's better on a one to one basis. She's been in a swimming club for the last 3 years, as 1) it's good exercise and 2) there is a social aspect of it, going to competitions etc.. But still she doesn't interact well, you can see the groups of kids poolside, but she doesn't really seem to "fit in" I can only think that the other kids have got fed up with her less social behaviours.
She's exhausting... If only they popped out with a manual explaining these many "quirks"

OP posts:
CrimsonCattery · 22/11/2019 09:07

With the social difficulties, sensory issues (labels and shoes is classic presentation), defiance, lack of empathy, executive function struggles (faffing) etc, this is strongly indicative of a possible ASD diagnosis.

Even if you don't want to approach a doctor about this, look up parenting strategies for ASD children and Pathalogical Demand Avoidance. They may help.

Lofari · 22/11/2019 09:12

Classic ASD symptoms OP. Girls can mask it so much better than boys and are usually exemplary pupils whilst at school.....then have epic meltdowns at home.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/11/2019 09:18

I think ASD too. Talk to the school asap.
Hope you can get some support soon.

itsgettingweird · 22/11/2019 09:23

Agree it's very descriptive of a child on the autistic spectrum.

My ds has and asd and is also a swimmer. I know what you mean about standing out amongst peers but also having some social aspect. Thing is my ds doesn't mind this. He's happy to be around people without too much depth of relationship.

Notonthestairs · 22/11/2019 09:33

Def talk to the SENCO. She would benefit from an assessment. Tell the SENCO everything you have written here. If she's behaving well in school they might be resistant but tell them you are concerned about her mental health going forward (exams etc.)

Make a note of her behaviour and write down how she behaves on an average day. Note how you've had to adapt your behaviour to accommodate her needs. Record everything.

A diagnosis (of what I don't know) can sound scary. But it will hopefully be the start of understanding her better and you both getting some support.

We have a DD with complex needs (learning disabilities and ASD) and a diagnosis was a relief but also just the start.

Woollycardi · 22/11/2019 10:10

Sorry, but why did you think it's acceptable to wrestle her phone out of her hand? And also, why is it not ok for you to assert a boundary and tell her that your bed is yours and she has her own?

BlackeyedSusan · 22/11/2019 11:22

make a list of all her quirks.
sensory (clothing, noise, light, sensory seeking (eg strong tastes or leaning on you and hugs or avoiding eg noises, lights, smells, balance, knowing where her body is in space)
social (can only manage a few minutes etc) eyecontact, too much, too little, or don't know because you don't do it either
rigidity (has to do everything in the right order? )

think about when she was a baby. did she point stuff out to you? lift her arms up to be picked up, wave goodbye,
was she awful in the supermarket?

think about issues with food, behaviour, how she socialised in primary school... did she wave and speak to her peers in the morning, or did you have to prompt her to do it?
does she have difficulty with changes in routine. (write down examples)
was she late toiletting? (not all are, it can be a problem in asd but also in other things.)
does she concentrate in school? look at her reports, do they say the same thing every year
executive function skills, packing bag, losing things, planning to do things in time,

take your list to the Gp and ask for a referral.
in the mean time do a parenting course as they like to send you on them. If it is not autism, then it may help, if it is, you can say I use xyz technique and it does not work.

also look up parenting autistic kids/adhd kids/pda kids and see if any of that helps.

I am writing from the point of view of autism, as that is what mine have, look up some of the other things other people have mentioned.
children can also have more than one condition,

Original poster
StressedMumLincs · 22/11/2019 18:22

Thanks again guys for all the advice, I've spoken fo senco at school and head of Lower school.. Who says she's doing really well academically.. I've an appointment with them next Friday and I've spoken to our doctor and make an appointment with her for next Friday after the meeting with school to try and move forward, after explaining things to she, she also asked me to note all the behaviors.. I'll keep you posted 🙏

OP posts: