Desperatly wanting baby number 2 to the point I feel suicidal

[Charis1503]

I consider myself a normal working professional and mum to a simply incredible 28 month old little boy.

Im sure im not the only one that feels this way but its so extream my mental health is deteriorating rapidly. I want another baby.

I do EVERYTHING for my ds. In the past 2.5 years my partner has probably looked after him 3 times (and just takes him to his grandmas!) I cook,I clean, I run the house. I do every dentist visit every doctors visit ( all the usual mum stuff) and dont begrudge it ONE bit. He has NEVER once offered to take him off my hands to allow me some 'me time' or even to do the house work without juggling a toddler. Partner has a very short fuse and i sheild ds from all his shitty attitude. My partner can be challenging and is a naturally negative/pessimistic person.

Despite his challenges im content with our relationship and we balance each other out well. We own a lovely big house together, have a second rental property and are comfortable with money and each other.

I am DESPERATE for baby 2.. to the point im crying every day and have been for over a year. Im at breaking point. Another friend told me she is expecting baby 2 today and i honestly contemplated walking in front of a bus. He feels we have enough on our plates for now ( new house is a fairly low key dooer-upper) and doesnt see what the rush it. He is very black and white and if he didnt want another one he would come out and say it. So its not a case of 'if' but 'when'. This is my only glimmer of hope.

Whilst i hear him.... i cant ignore the voice in my head screaming 'ITS NOT HIM GETTING PREGNANT!!!'

Im the one who would be pregnant.
Im the one that does 100% of all the childcare and would continue to do so with a 2nd child.
I still work part time and the 2nd property is mine alone and brings in a good income so i can support myself and 2 kids ie it wont mean him working all hours or us struggling for money.

I dont love my job but it is flexible and works round kids... at some stage i would love to return to my profession (medical based) but cant do this untill i can increase my hours and reinstait my medical registration. Thus MY career is on hold for longer and longer whilst he does a job he loves?!?!

I understand that it needs to be something we both agree on but i feel so depressed and cant even face another conversation about it.

Help !!

OP, with all due respect you cant shield your child from a shitry parent. People think kids dont pick up on this stuff. They do. They can feel the atmosphere, know when the angry parent is angry even if they dont see the actual rage.

Your child will grow up thinking gathers dont do anything and can treat their female partners like shit.

I would also say if you are contemplating suicide or even having suicidal thoughts, having another baby in this relationship would be disastrous for you and the child you already have.

It sounds like you are over looking your partners behaviour, the impacts on it because it's the quickest route to another baby.

I think you need to seek some help for your low mood and to to realise this relationship isnt ok for you or your child or future children.

I absolutely emphasise with a lot of what you’re saying. My DD is a very similar age to your DS and I desperately want another child. It’s looking very unlikely for me for various reasons and I feel very upset and frustrated by it.

However, this statement jumped out at me as concerning:

i honestly contemplated walking in front of a bus.

You must speak to your GP. You really will benefit from help if you are feeling like this. I imagine you partly used it as a figure of speech but if there’s anything more than that then you need to see if you need treatment for depression.

To be honest this sounds far from an ideal situation to bring another baby into. Contemplating walking into traffic is not a usual response to being told that your friend is expecting a baby and if you are being serious about suicidal thoughts then you need to seek help for your mental health urgently. You have a toddler who needs a healthy mum. The sort of parent that you’ve described your partner as is not someone I would be rushing to have more children with. He effectively isn’t a parent. You do everything. You also say that you have to “shield” your child from him? MAJOR red flag. Major.

I understand the desire for a second child, but your OP is concerning in a number of ways.

I think you need to work on yourself, and your relationship before having another child

If you're desperate to the point of suicidal and considered walking in front of a bus then you do not need another child right now, you need to book an appointment with your GP.

And as dh has done the square root of fuck all with ds, what sort of life would you be leaving behind for ds if you did walk in front of that bus?

Step one should be leaving your shit husband.

Step two should be focussing on your own mental health.

Then think about any future dc.

Please see your GP.
Bringing another child into this situation is not the answer to your unhappiness.
Please get help for your mental health.

If you’re suicidal right now the last thing you need is another baby - you might think you’re satisfied with your relationship as it is but it’s not normal to feel like you want to walk in front of a bus and leave your current DC motherless because you can’t have a second child right now. You don’t sound happy in your life right now and a second child won’t be the fix you’re looking for. It sounds like your partner is selfish, unsupportive and a bad father, don’t add a second child into that mess.

Speak to your GP, try and seek out some counselling and start putting plans in place to leave your ‘D’P and get some control and happiness back in your life.

Your partner is abusive. The only other women living like you are also being abused. It's not normal or healthy or acceptable.

Despite what you think, babies are affected and damaged by living in a home with an abusive parent. You cannot shield him from the effects.

If you want to shield your child then kick the abusive man out. That is the only way to genuinely protect him.

Deliberately bringing another child into an abusive home would be a horrific thing to do. Please don't.

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Im sorry to agree with pp. What you describes here is far from a healthy situation.

I really hope you reach out to get help for those feelings, and a better balanced with the home life you describe

With respect, your situation sounds less than ideal to bring another baby into. You sound extremely stressed, maybe depressed and unhappy in your relationship. Your dh sounds like a knob, although he is talking sense with regards to his position on this matter. Perhaps he recognises that the relationship isn't great and this is one of the reasons why he isn't willing to have another dc.

You also have lots of good things going on. I would focus on you and your child, get your career to where you want it to be and see where it goes from there.

How can you possibly think of committing suicide when you've got a toddler who totally relies on you for everything? You have to think of the child you've already got.

Why would you want to bring another child into this relationship? Knowing they won't have a dad who is willing to step up and be a parent?

You might think it's all okay but it really isn't. That's not how relationships and good parenting is supposed to work.

You're already shielding one child from their abusive dad, please don't put another child through that. You need to see your GP and seriously consider leaving your husband. Your son will grow up thinking that it's normal for the man of the house to do fuck all around the house and to treat children like shit.

Something about this is absolutely not right OP.

I’m infertile as fuck, tried for 18months before finding out there is 0 chance naturally and am facing IVF.
I feel everything but suicidal. If I was dead then my dream would never come true. 🤷‍♀️

To be thinking stuff like that when you already have a beautiful child who is completely dependent on you for protection and love? Shocking and quite frightening really.
To be minimising what sounds like a shitshow of a relationship and homelife? Suggesting you want to stay in it AND subject another child to abusive parenting from it’s father? How on earth can you be thinking any of this???

If this thread is real I hope to god you leave him and sort your life out for the sake of your existing child. They deserve so much better.

. I too agree you need to speak to your GP. Yes jealousy is only a natural reaction when someone has the one the thing you want. However wanting to end your life because of it is most certainly not.
At the moment another baby could add to your problems. Answer yourself honestly. Is it a baby you want or do you just want to be pregnant. There is a difference. If someone was to knock at your door right this second and hand you a baby. Would that solve all your problems.
I’m going to be hated for saying this, but You do have a beautiful son. Some poor women don’t even get the chance to have one. Somewhere a long the line counting your lucky stars does come into it. That’s not my cruel opinion. That’s a fact

Agree with pps. Another baby will magnify your issues, not solve them. You need to sort out your relationship first and possibly go to the GP for some support for you. A baby will not improve things , much as you hope it would.

You need to go and see a doctor about your mental health, urgently, OP. As a person who is burdened with abusive parents (in different ways to each other) I can tell you that having an abuser for a father causes lifelong damage. Foetuses inherit their mother and grandmothers trauma which is remembered in their genes and passed on, a mothers cortisol and adrenaline floods in in the womb and sets the brain to be primed for fight or flight, toddlers will absorb the tension, suppressed rage, not feeling safe, feeling like they have to protect their mother and walk on eggshells, which then turns into anger at the mother for making them live in such an environment. Cue anger, anxiety, pounding heart, nausea, digestive issues, depression, etc. I’m not telling you this to upset you more, it’s just what kids like I was have to endure, you cannot shield your kid from his trash ‘father’, and focussing on having another kid could be a sign of trying to deflect from the issues you’re going through currently. 💐