My daughter suddenly seems to hate me

[Quebeth]

I’m at a loss. She’s usually so good.

She’s four, will be five after Christmas and the second youngest in her year at school (she’s in primary 1 - Scotland).

She seems to really like school. Her reading and writing is coming on really quickly and she’s enthusiastic, especially about her reading. Teacher has nothing but positive things to say about her.

She’s young though. She seems younger than the girls in her class. She has made a couple of good pals and seems happy.

But since the October break she has been so, so angry when she comes home. Hitting out. Shouting. “I hate you! You’re not my mum any more” etc etc. This is previously unheard of. I have no idea what’s going on but she seems to have nothing but utter contempt for me (and DH although he works a lot through the week so doesn’t see much of this until the weekend).

I have no idea where this is coming from or how to handle it. She’s mean to her two year old sister. Bosses her around and goes off her head if she doesn’t play the way she wants her to. She screams and shouts and stomps.

There is a lot of bad behaviour at school and I have heard on the grapevine that the teachers are struggling a bit with the year group this year. She doesn’t tell me anything about the bad behaviour though. If I ask her she will tell me things like “a boy hit me in the face” but in all honesty I don’t believe her (I don’t say this - I say “oh That’s awful I’d better go and see the teacher then” and she changes her story).

I’m not daft. I know something is troubling her. She can’t seem to articulate what it is. I want to help her. In the meantime I am struggling to cope with this. Do I send her to her room? Take away a toy? What do I do?)

I'm no expert, so this is just my own opinion.

I think it might just be boundary testing. I remember my own son going through a phase of saying he didn't like/love me. I think he was testing me to see if my love was consistent.

It's even possible that this is the first time she's been exposed to parent/child relationships that aren't healthy - perhaps a school friend doesn't have a secure home life and this is a bit of a scary eye opener for her?

I used to pretty much ignore it and just say something like 'OK, but I still love you' very calmly, and then just move on with whatever I was doing.

I think the early years of school are the hardest because they are just exhausted at the end of the day and possibly a bit overwhelmed too.

I think you ought to cover the basics first. Make sure she isn't hungry post school as that can lead to grumpyness and be strict about bedtimes so that she is getting the sleep she needs.

Then I think if I were in your shoes I'd be fair but firm when it comes to the bad behaviour towards you and her sister. There is no excuse for rudeness really.

It might just be a phase that you have to power through for the next few weeks.

I would be speaking to the school and other mums because I suspect there might be some bullying going on, or some other bad behaviour that is making your DD feel insecure and the only persons she is able to take it out on is you, because she knows you will always be there. I hope you get to the bottom of it, because it is horrible when they go through this stage.

Normal developmental boundary testing/separation from parent.

BUT just because it's normal doesn't mean you don't enforce YOUR boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

Rude comments and behaviour must be addressed and dealt with at the time they happen with your preferred method that works for you and your child. With my dd time outs were most effective. This has 2 purposes - addresses the poor behaviour but also reinforces them having security in the knowledge that they have boundaries and that you care enough to enforce them.

The lying about "why" is partly because learning to lie is actually part of developing intelligence and imagination but also because she doesn't really understand herself/the world well enough yet to be able to articulate

"I'm feeling overwhelmed and insecure and I don't really know why"

"I'm tired mentally but feeling restless physically and I can't make sense of that"

Sorry to say it doesn't necessarily get easier as they get older, my dd now 18 still has times when she's grumpy/tearful and doesn't know why (though it generally turns out to have been pms as period will turn up day or two later)

Tiredness, hunger and even thirst can all definitely contribute to post school grumps! One of my dns was a NIGHTMARE to collect from school he'd be so aggro, then we accidentally hit on he was thirsty and found if he was given a good drink straight after school he was in a much better mood. Turns out despite encouragement to drink in school he wasn't actually drinking that much and by home time was "foggy headed"

Dd has a disability which means she can't eat "full" meals but instead needs to eat "little and often" she was undx at this stage though, but my mum who's had a lot of experience with kids said maybe she needed a snack after school and that did help a lot.

Thank you all. Tonight has been horrendous. She is incredibly strong willed and refused her bath. She was given the option of bath (with her sister) or a shower or straight to bed and she chose bed. She went upstairs and trashed the place. Then DH came home so he’s trying to deal with her now but she is absolutely refusing to get into her bed. Hitting and biting and shouting. She’s lost her Strictly privileges on Saturday but she doesn’t care about any of it.

I’m going to see if I can have a call with her teacher at lunchtime tomorrow.

Op, would it help for her to have counselling at school? Does the school offer this?

Something is going on, she is acting out as she does not have the ability to verbalise what is troubling her. She could be telling you that she hates you due to you not being physically present to keep her safe (bullying, being hurt by someone?).

She needs help in talking about what is going on for her. If you told her that you know that she is feeling upset about something, her behaviour is telling you. Can she talk to you about it? Is someone being unkind to her? She will not get in any trouble by talking with you, but you may be able to help her?