Lovely neighbour but this behavior is intrusive, isn’t it?

[Honeybee85]

Not brave enough for AIBU

Me, DH and DS who is nearly 6 months old live in a detached house outside the UK.
House is pretty small and we live next to an elderly couple who are actually very lovely people. The garden on right side of our house borders ours, both gardens are very small so whenever the lady next door is working in her garden/ tinkering around her house, which she seems to be doing all day, she is very close to our house.
DS doesnt cry that much fortunately and during the day, he is with me in the living room, either in the cot we put there for daytime sleeping or in his playpen. The living room has a window on the side that opens to our garden, which is bordering on neighbours garden.

I usually leave the window open to air the room but close it asap when DS starts to cry as I don’t want to be a nuisance to the neighbours. Today I was on the toilet as I hear DS starts to cry in the living room, not crying very loud but a typical ‘I am bored, where are you mummy’ cry. It took me about 3 minutes to finish my toilet business and when I came in the living room, I hear my neighbour calling my son’s name trough the open window. This hasnt been the first time that she did this. I do not let my DS cry for a long time, but sometimes I am on the toilet/in the shower etc so I am not immediately there when he starts to cry. This is the third time I heard her doing this. The first time I was sure I didn’t hear it correctly as I couldn’t believe she would do that. I think it’s quite intrusive to start speaking to my child trough my house’s window. I have dealt with PND in the past months and though now it only annoys me as I find it very cheeky, it would have made me feel very anxious as it would have contributed to my feelings at that time that I was a failure as a mum.
Plus it gives me the creeps as it kind of feels like she is watching our home all the time as he never cries more then a few minutes. Surely if my DS was old enough to walk to the window and talk back and the male neighbour did this, many people would find that creepy and possibly a sign of grooming?

I have to add though that I am sure she has no malicious intentions, she is otherwise a very lovely lady but I feel uncomfortable about her doing this.

Oh God bless you OP. I was a bit like you. Then I accidentally moved to Australia and had it all knocked out of me.

She means well...she's being friendly towards both you and the baby.

Why don't you talk to her a bit?

I agree that you should shut the window/door anyway when you leave for the toilet. What if a fox came in? That would worry me more than a friendly neighbour!

I think you are over reacting. If I could hear my neighbour's baby crying, and there was obviously no adult in the room, I would get concerned after a while. What if you were passed out on the floor and your baby was unattended? I thought you were going to say she was letting herself into your house, not just calling your baby's name!

I'm sorry, but I think you're being really silly.

I think for a lot of women who have had children, they are physically incapable of ignoring a child’s screaming. Even when I know a parent or another adult is settling said child my reactions are heightened until the child is soothed.

It’s annoying for you, but the neighbour probably doesn’t know whether to try to help or not.

I’m really sorry to be blunt OP but lack of sleep and PND still appear to be affecting you. I’m sure you’re doing a really good job of being a mum and should be able to relax and not worry so much.
Can you get any more support from the gp or anything?

You were offended because the old woman told your husband to NOT worry about the baby crying and he can cry more it’s good for him.
Wow. You had a really unusual reaction to that. She’s telling you she hears it and accepts it’s normal and you’re doing fine. You take it as offensive.

You value privacy yet you are staying rent free in someone else’s house. If you value privacy that much there IS a price you can put on it. The price of your own home.

I honestly think you arent yourself. So sorry, I don’t know how to say that nicely. PND is horrific. You can’t trust your thoughts when you have it as they are all over the place. Trust your husbands judgement. He’s not got PND.

I would possibly do this, if I knew the baby, and my Mum would definitely have done this, in an affectionate way, just trying to help and comfort the baby until you got there.
Both my Mum and I would do this to a whining/barking dog too..
it is just an older woman, who likes babies, trying to be friendly. Maybe it makes you feel stressed and rushed, so you take it as criticism?
I think it is rather lovely, having nice elderly neighbours who care about your baby, it will be nice when he is a bit older as they will make a huge fuss of him I imagine. I also think neighbours watching out for you is good from a safety angle too.

I agree that she seems to be a normal grandmotherly type of person who is trying to soothe the baby through her voice. much the same as a baby monitor.
Since she is lurking in the garden waiting to listen for the baby you could either take the baby with you if hes awake or close the window.

If the neighbour is a friendly person speak to her when you are popping in and out - just a very quick word 'hello - how are you' and move on. Maybe she just wants some human contact and as a PP said she feels close to your little family. By speaking to her yourself you can judge how she reacts . Maybe she likes to hear the baby even if he cries. Maybe she is hoping for a reply from you or for the baby to stop crying / respond to her even with a gurgle

As baby grows you this situation will resolve itself and be replaced with another. You may well be glad of a friendly face if one of you are ill and she is able to pop over to help for example.

I think considering the OP has suffered and could still be suffering from PND, some of the comments here are a bit harsh.

@elieza

I understand what you mean, however re the comment she made about baby crying: she said she was worried about NOT hearing DS cry so much and therefor wondering if he was OK.
I do find that judgemental. So if my baby is rather quiet it means it’s a sign that he is not doing well?
Plus I really do not understand why she feels she needs to interfere when my son cries a couple of minutes if she is such a fan of letting babies cry. Its quite contradictive imo....
Plus, what if I was trying the cry it out method (I am not btw)? Not her place to trying to comfort my baby in such case.
I do appreciate that PND didn’t make this an easier situation.

@tiddlerontheroof

I think you need to read my OP again instead of assuming I am leaving my baby to cry

Its a natural human instinct on hearing a baby crying to offer comfort.
The grooming comment is sad and ridiculous. We do not want to live is a society where offering help would leave us open to such destructive claims from frankly what i can only assume is hateful minds.

I think considering the OP has suffered and could still be suffering from PND, some of the comments here are a bit harsh.

Actually you're right @FraggleRocking. OP, I was quite dismissive and I'm sorry.

I simply do not understand these comments!

It's bloody WEIRD to call through a neighbour's window. She is massively overstepping. You are absolutely right to be unsettled by this.

She means well, clearly, but it's inappropriate, big time - especially as where you live it is not culturally appropriate. What a pain.

I think you have to be cool with her. She's a lonely old dear (so am I before anyone cries ageism) who has lost track of boundaries.

I'm so surprised at the replies. If a neighbour of mine stuck their head through my window to talk to my kid I would be

OP is under no obligation to invite a bored neighbour in or to involve said neighbour in her child rearing. You can be polite, friendly and neighbourly while still maintaining proper privacy and boundaries inside your own home.

shagging she never stuck her head through! She called from her own garden. She said "I hear her calling my son's name through the open window"

She HEARD the voice THROUGH the window.

Not "the neighbour stuck her head through"

I'm so surprised at the replies. If a neighbour of mine stuck their head through my window to talk to my kid I would be

I missed that bit, I thought she was just calling through the window, not actually stocking her head into the property. That's very different.

OP, did the neighbour actually stick her head through your window or just call from the garden. They're both very different things!

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

No she didn’t do that, just peering trough the window from her garden and calling DS’s name.

DH just came home and we had a talk about it.
I asked him too if he thinks I am overreacting.
He said: yes it’s rude and annoying behavior and an invasion of privacy. She does it because she thinks she is helping.

He told me too to close the window when I am not in the room.

When I am out and he is in the living room, he always closes the curtains too because otherwise they are peeking in from their garden.
I never do that because I don’t want to live like I’m a vampire but I will close the window more often from now on.

This would annoy me too. Your neighbours may be sort of well meaning but have no boundaries and end up behaving inappropriately.. I would worry that if you were quite friendly you’d get a lot of parenting advice pushed on you and disguised as trying to help.

Given the set up I think your only option is to keep that window closed and the curtains shut...but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t come to the front door to check on you!

Older people really were taught that babies needed to cry for their lungs, it would spoil them to pick them up etc. All sorts of weird ideas that we know now aren't true.
It's not her fault, she thinks she's giving good advice to let him cry but if she says it again, laugh and say "That's what they used to say, wasnt it?!" Or something similar and carry on as you are.
The shouting through the window is a bit barmy but is meant well. I'd just loudly say something to him about knowing you were upstairs for her to hear so she knows. She might do it again but I'd just ignore it.

Plant a tree/trees to obscure the view into your home.

@Honeybee85 She is just looking out for your baby don't take it so seriously I would love to have a neighbour like yours instead I have shaven headed tattooed body builder who likes to walk around naked.

@JoObrien7

Sorry I know it’s awful for you, but I literally spit out my tea because of laughing when I read your post.
Hopefully he moves his muscular tattooed arse soon to somewhere else and you’ll get a lovely neighbour.