People trying to 'help'

[QuestionableMouse]

Just come home from uni to find my mam has been in and stripped my bed (so all of my bedding is in the wash, it was fresh on on Friday)

She's also washed my clean Pj's that I'd left in the bathroom. They're hanging up over the radiator to dry.

She has a key because she sometimes nips in to let my dog out if my dog walker can't make it.

I'm tired and not feeling well and not very happy but if I say anything I'll only get 'well I was trying to help,'

Not helping really is it? Just making more work for me! Anyone else have helpers who aren't really helpful?!

‘Mum, I love you but I now have to remake the bed and wait for my pyjamas to dry. Both were already clean. I know you were trying to help but it actually wasn’t helpful and has made more work for me.’

‘Mum, I love you but I now have to remake the bed and wait for my pyjamas to dry. Both were already clean. I know you were trying to help but it actually wasn’t helpful and has made more work for me.’

This. Please do say something.

You're not a little girl anymore and this is YOUR home. You need to speak up and lay down boundaries. Tell your mother very clearly that any housework that needs to be done will be done only by you.

Ring her up and say "Mum, I am not feeling so good today so all I wanted to do was get home, have a bath, put on my clean pjs and crawl into bed. I can't do that because my bed isn't made and my pjs are wet.. I know you thought you were being helpful but now I am really upset and have loads of extra stuff to do"

Say something. Why on earth would she presume to do something like that without asking first. It could be seen as a bit of an intrusion, to be honest.

I will say something but I know exactly how it'll go. She's got form for this sort of thing. I'll get the huffy well I was only trying to help act. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I will say something but I know exactly how it'll go. She's got form for this sort of thing. I'll get the huffy well I was only trying to help act.

Who cares if she gets huffy? That's her problem, not yours. I am a LOT older than you, op, and I promise if you do not assert yourself and set form boundaries with her now, it will only get worse as the years go by. You might think that she will eventually recognise that you're an adult and will back off. Nope, not even close. Meddling and overbearing mothers only get worse with age of you let them.

How old do you think I am? 😀

Well, I'm assuming of course, but given you just came back from uni I'm thinking early/mid 20's-ish. Of course, I could be wrong! My advice still stands, though.

will say something but I know exactly how it'll go. She's got form for this sort of thing. I'll get the huffy well I was only trying to help act

To be honest, I wouldn’t give my mother a key to my house if she was like that.

Well she may have been trying to help but she hasn't helped has she?
You need to tell her this or she will just carry on doing it.

If she gets cross then go round to her house and strip the beds/wash clean clothes and leave them drying. Tell her you were just trying to help.

Thanks.

I'm mid 30s.

I've spoken to her and she did get upset. She really does think she's helping but it's not helpful in reality.

I can’t see how she can’t understand that taking your clean pyjamas and bedding and washing them making them wet and giving you an necessary job to do, is not helping!?

Does

I don’t know why but I feel like you actually didn’t speak to her. Maybe because I can’t comprehend why she would still be upset if you explained that you appreciate her intent but in reality making clothes/bedding wet isn’t helpful.

@QuestionableMouse

You don't read like somebody in there mid 30s, this seems like the relationship between a mother and a much younger daughter, because the boundaries are so inappropriate

We have a difficult relationship at times because she thinks she's right all of the time. It's a work in progress but sometimes I need to vent 🤷🏻‍♀️

While what she did could be considered helpful, I think what you need to get across to her is that she has crossed a boundary and taken away your right to privacy. Unless she is needed in your house then she shouldnt be in your house unless asked to do so.

My mum is exactly the same. She’s also bad at cleaning and clumsy so it invariably makes things worse rather than helps. I moved 3 hours away. That’s the only thing that helped.

You have my sympathies!

Maybe take her key back? I had to do this as my mum kept letting herself in to help when we were decorating a new house.

She thought she would help by constantly moving decorating supplies around. Our decorators couldn't find their stuff as it would be tidied away somewhere random. She then spilt a can of gloss paint onto the new wooden floor.

She then played the victim when I lost my shit and went sobbing to my siblings. I just sent them a photo of the destruction.