Suicide notes found in DD's room

[Motherofajuggernaut]

I have just found two suicide notes in DD (12) room. Two very similar worded notes.

It's kind of a "Dear world," type letter. Not hidden, one was screwed up in the bin and the other was folded up small on her bedside cabinet.
I'm not certain what I should do.

I don't actually think she is going to. I think these are just the playing out of dark fantasies...but...I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do. She's had a tough couple of weeks. Lots of turmoil in her friendship group. Split up with her first boyfriend who immediately went out with her best friend. She has been withdrawn for the last couple of weeks. She talks about not being sure how she would do it.."You'll probably find my body in the river" She goes on to write I'm sorry and I love you to me her dad and her brother, her friends. She says shes tired with how repetitive life is, how bored it is and how she can't get the energy to do anything. Yesterday we had the afternoon out, fed the swans, went to macdonalds for hot choc, had a walk through the park, she was laughing and playing with her brother.

She's at school, I checked, I haven't said anything about it yet to them, even though they were asking me why I was worried she wasn't at school.

DH and I are going to sit down and listen to her this evening, tell her we found them and how worried we are. Beyond that, I'm not even sure what to do next. My Best friend had given me some good advice about protective behaviours, she has a lot of experience working with families.

Could you contact the organisation 'Young Minds'? They will give better advise. I don't mean that to shut you down from talking it's just I'd be scared that you may get conflicting responses on here and this is scary.
I know what I would do immediately but that might not be the right thing to do, in fact it could make things much worse
Only you know your daughter, I know mine and something like that would have been so completely and utterly out of character that I would react straight away ( which may not be the right thing to do in your daughter's case)

She needs to see a therapist. But don't just drag her to see one. Talk to her about it first. Therapy is the healthiest thing for all people.

She's at a stage in her life where you think everything is dragging and moving so slowly, and your teen years aren't any easier.

You need to reassure her that at age 12-18 life is tough and you think it's the worst but it passes and gets so much better. I think maybe if she has an aunt or someone either a friend or family member who she is close to to talk to her about it may be easier than a parent talking to her about it.

She's also growing up in the age of social media which I think is poisonous. But unfortunately that's the reality these days.

You are doing the right thing talking but yes listen very carefully.

I would also ask what she thinks might help .

My own Ds (12 ) was really low yesterday .. no reason .. I talked to him, we watched Tv in my bed and I cuddled him. I know he wasn’t right still talking in his sleep .

I have suggested in the past he can text me , write it down , talk to somebody else but he needs to not keep but to himself.

This is shocking. I would spend today researching and booking an initial session with a child psychologist as you might have to wait a couple of days for an appointment, and prepare how you’re both going to speak to her tonight. I’d also speak to her teacher

I can’t imagine how you must feel

I might ask if she would like to move schools. Being in the same school as her supposed best friend / ex must be difficult.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wonder if she meant for you to find them as they weren't hidden - maybe a cry for help?.
Has she just started secondary school?.
My DD is 15. Whenever her Dad and I have to discuss something unpleasant one of us does it as otherwise she feels intimidated with both of us there. Obviously you know your daughter best though and the best way to handle it.

Thank you-just spoken to young kinds and they have been helpful.

Moving schools on the basis of the boyfriend/ ex situation is not a good idea at all. Some 12,13,14 year old peer groups do this every other week - the "relationships" are very innocent and barely more than friendship - sometimes they don't even spend time together outside the big group, it's all talk and status and no actual 1:1 at all.

Obviously it means the world to the children, I don't mean to belittle it and the child's worries and hurt and sense of betrayal is real, but you can't change schools over it or you will get through all the local schools in a few months!

I'm glad you've talked to Young Minds Motherofajuggernaut and feel you should talk to DD and with her consent her head of year too.

I have some experience of suicidal ideation in young people in a work context but not directly identical and solutions need to be trailered to the real, specific individual.

Generally though it's good for the child/ young person to feel heard and taken seriously but not indulged or over protected (there's a danger of the suicidal ideation being their "thing" with some young people, and also of overprotection leading to social isolation which makes things worse). It's also usually important that they know that trusted authority figures are all aware what's going on - they need to consent to this but to know that an adult they trust in all the places they spend time knows and they are not alone and nothing is secret.

Contracts can also be helpful, weirdly. I was sceptical at first but I have seen this work. I'm sure you will be getting more individual advice from young minds though.

Sorry to hear this.
My own ds took an overdose earlier this year. He couldn’t and still can’t tell us what pinpointed his feelings tipping him over the edge.
Hormones have a huge amount to play.
Please do speak to the school and make them aware. Please speak to your dd today and let her know you’re concerned and make yourself as available as possible for her.
Young minds are fantastic, glad you’ve spoken to them already.
Also, we have had a lot of appointments with doctors and 2 with CAMHS.
They haven’t been the most beneficial but it’s good to have their reassurance that this is often seen as a one off and they never hear from the parents/children again.
I spend a lot more time with my ds now.
We got a call from school a couple of weeks ago saying he had a bit of a breakdown in class and to be mindful of him when he came home.
We had a good chat and again, couldn’t pin it down to anything in particular.
One thing that we did notice about the 2 incidences were that he had a late night previously and possibly was feeling more tired and easily aggravated than usual.
We follow the sensible precautions of removing all devices a couple of hours before bedtime but had forgotten on just those 2 occasions.
Good luck.
I’m still reeling from his first incident, don’t think I’ll ever feel the same again but he is in a much better Place than he was.
I’ll be thinking of you

Dearest OP, I am sorry that you find yourself in this position.
You sound like you plan to sit down with DD and listen and this is simply brilliant.
She may find it easier to talk about certain things to you or your husband separately, so do make this possible without making it too obvious.

If she wants to talk to an organisation, help her to do that and allow her the privacy to speak to them.
Tell her you love her and are there for her. It may take weeks for things to come out or they will never come out - either is fine.
Much love xxx

Thank you. I picked her up from.school..i haven't said anything yet, I want to wait til dh has finished work and DS has gone to bed. She seems cheerful, had a snack, I told her I'd been in and tidied her room and emptied the bin and she didn't seem panicked or worried. She thanked me and seemed just her normal self. She's gone up to her room for now, and she has her phone..devices are only allowed til 6-7 pm.

My ds (16) has self harmed and had suicidal thoughts. He didn't want to speak to me about it but has had regular sessions with a school counsellor who has been really good fo him.
It would be worth seeing if your school offers that facility.

He did speak to the doctor but said the doctor didn't 'get' him but the school counsellor was obvious very used to dealing with teenagers.
After speaking to a few other parents it's scary how common this is.

Notnowmaybelater, your advice is great. Her boyfriend was quite a serious one, he's even been to meet me. She was with him 9 months, but she's told me they never even kissed. So even though they were together a long time. They had held hands. I'm sure the truth lies between, but I know when they split up she showed me her text to him to say "you met my mum, you'll never get that trust back'' so it obviously meant a lot to her. He's now going out with another girl, but her best friend and her are not currently friends. I'm quite sad for her, she seemed to have a lovely relationship with her friend.
I'm relieved to see her in a good mood this afternoon

Thank you-just spoken to young kinds and they have been helpful.
Really pleased to hear this. I've sued them in the past and they always give sensible and unbiased advise ime.
Out of my own interest what have they advised?

BillandBen, they helped talk through our plan of how to approach it with her and gave me some links to useful websites. I have a referral number to call if we feel we need it. Advised me to speak to her first, then to school and possibly GP. But mainly to.judge by her reaction to us speaking to her later tonight to gauge the situation

Sounds level headed advise.
Wishing you all the best

How are you this morning?

Hi. Thanks so much for checking up. Much better today, conversation went well, she was rather embarrassed rather than upset or angry. She reassured me that it wasn't anything other than a venting process to deal with some shitty feelings. We have discussed healthier ways of doing that. Young Minds had given us a website called The mix and we have booked some telephone counselling through them for 8 weeks. She didn't want to go to GP and her previous experience of the school counsellor wasn't positive, although I'm still thinking it may be worth getting them onboard at some point. We're sitting down together this evening to, do some mind set activities, eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's and catching up on some episodes of Atypical. If only she could see how awesome she is

My daughter would get very low and I would buy her diaries (just blank books) to write in. I told her that under normal circumstances I wouldn't read them (too scared of seeing my own name in them!) but that if I was ever worried about her safety then I would. She accepted that and used to write pages and pages every night. She'd always be in a better mood afterwards. I would always speak to her after she'd written in them; I told her not to do it last thing at night as she could get herself whipped up into a bad mood.

Regular exercise really helped my daughter, too. She was a bit overweight and I knew that affected her mood. I bought her a treadmill and she went on it every night. She lost weight without cutting down on food (I'd been worried she'd become anorexic.) I was a single mum and couldn't go out with her in the evenings, but given your situation could you and your husband alternate evenings and go for a long walk with her every day? It really does help their moods.

good luck xxx

I would echo @HollowTalks advice to go for a long walk with her if you can.
I often go out late in the evening with my ds once I’ve taken his devices away.
Sometimes we talk about the deep and meaningful stuff (well, emotions, good and bad things about the day etc) and more often we just talk crap and walk down roads we’ve never been down before just for the sake of it.
Although it’s sometimes the last thing I fancy doing, I’m always glad I made the effort.
Getting them to talk can be tough but when you’re not directly facing each other and they aren’t expected to make eye contact I find they say more. I don’t have to say much, just listening is enough.
The car is also good for this.