Aggressive 2.8 yo boy. Help

[Boodle17]

Hi. First time poster here. At my wits end and Hoping to find someone who has been through the same/offer some advice. We have an incredible 2.5 yo boy who is high energy, funny, intelligent and thoughtful but very impulsive and aggressive at times. He listens and takes instructions well, has a good attention span and about 70-80% of the time is an absolute pleasure. The other 20-30% he extremely difficult and what he does in that time really concerns us. A family holiday away has revealed how bad it actually is although it’s been an issue for around 6 months. We both work 4 days a week, he goes to daycare 3 full days a week, the other 2 days we spend with him a day each.
He will punch, kick, grab and even spit seemingly out of nowhere or over the smallest things and with true aggression. He isn’t just experimenting or exploring anymore. He has an wide vocabulary and can speak in full sentences so I really don’t think language/expression is an issue.
Daycare say he is fine - no more aggressive than they would expect for his age. My mum was shocked at his outbursts on holiday. We are both concerned and don’t know how to handle it going forward. So far we have tried giving consequences if he does it again, tried time-outs, tried explaining feelings/how it might make others feel, each approach seems to make him angrier.
Eg having a picnic, asked for another snack, said ok and went into lunchbox to get it, maybe wasn’t quick enough or something so he punched my face with clenched fist and angry face. I said ow that really hurt, not very nice then he did it again. Dad picked him up and took him away and tried to explain - not nice, need to calm down say sorry to mum. During this time trying to hit his dad, spat at him, crying and shouting. Eventually calmed down, came back refused to say sorry, then 10 minutes later hits again. Sometimes it can escalate from literally nowhere. Often it’s in response to us saying no to something or having to stop playing to go somewhere. He doesn’t tend to have big crying temper tantrums.
I feel like I can never relax during play dates for fear he will hit other kids which he often does if I take my eye off the ball for even a minute. From a very young age he’s been a dominant character, snatching toys obsessive/possessive over toys.
I feel like we might be to blame. We are not aggressive at home and have never disciplined him physically. But we have allowed him to watch various Disney films from around the age of 22 months - he doesn’t get a lot of screen time generally but he will sit through a full film. The other day he spat at me, then 2 days later told me about a character in a Disney film who spat at another character! He seems to be obsessed with the bad guys. He likes pirates, swords, dragons and knights. His imaginative play can be quite violent. I think he is copying what he has watched in the films.
He is 3 at the end of March and I would really like to see some change/improvement by then.
What should we do?
We are planning to take away all films with any form of violence, taking away all dress up items that can be used as swords etc, take away all figures that can be used for violent play and replace with non violent toys. Try to encourage positive stories about helping and being kind. But other than that I’m not really sure.
Any support would be much appreciated

My son is virtually identical in age and sometimes he hits/kicks/headbutts seemingly from nowhere. I am no expert on dealing with it but just want to reassure you that you're not alone!

My theory is that DS is very strong willed and sometimes gets very frustrated when he can't get his own way. IMO it must be hard to be 2 and have very little control over what happens.
We do talk about emotions a lot and encourage him to say if he is angry, frustrated, sad etc.
We also play rough and tumble games, he loves chasing and pushing each other over (playfully, not aggressively). I actually think that playing at being violent is a safe outlet for pretty natural instincts. So if I were you I absolutely wouldn't stop the violent play, I would let him do it and stick firmly to the boundaries and consequences for actual aggression towards others.

I found the tips on this website helpful
www.ahaparenting.com

First of all I would suggest a consistent approach for a length of time eg a few weeks. He’s too young for things like explaining feelings etc. Just a short sharp no and move away from him.

But have a think about the build up. Can you anticipate snack times, make sure he has a firm routine and give 15 minute then 10/5/3/2/1 minute warnings before play has to stop?

Agree about consistent approach.
It's not to young to discuss and understand feelings, though.

*too

Mine are now teens but no long explanations with toddlers no matter how smart they are, a short, sharp no and remove him from the situation. It is much harder when you are on holiday.

No explaining that hurt, just an ow is enough and remove him immediately. He wasn't removed the first time he hit you which he should have been. If he is fine in nursery/daycare then he is testing boundaries at home.

Parents who don't give their children toy guns find the child either uses their fingers or sticks or any other toy to emulate a gun or a sword. And maybe role play helps him vent it?

I would reinforce the it is fine to have these feelings (frustration, anger) but we do not hit/throw/kick/spit. Label your feelings too when something happens when you are also frustrated or sad. Children need to learn to label their feelings to help identify them.

Time outs/thinking chairs are great, you have to be consistent in your approach and of course it makes him more angry as he isn't getting his own way which is a good thing if that is hitting people. Explain it to him when he is calm so he knows what is coming. Praise the good behaviour and maybe have a sticker chart. Good luck, you sound like a lovely parent.

I don't think the films have anything to do with it, DCs figure out spiting, for example, without needing to see it in any film. I also think it would be counter productive to take away toys that provide an outlet. Instead I would be encouraging him to hit pillows, the mattress etc. as part of the solution. At that age it is still very difficult for him to manage his emotions and firstly he needs an appropriate outlet. Maybe encourage him to scream rather than hit people as well, it's not ideal but it is easier to go from hitting to screaming to nothing, than to go from hitting to nothing.

I also agree you need to be consistent. How long have you tried each technique for? I would have immediate consequences and no attention until he calms down.

Stop blaming yourself. Tv isn't the cause, being 2 is.
Don't be fooled by your child's language skills. 2 is 2. Having words doesn't mean he can handle emotions and feelings or control impulses eg to lash out.
Pick an approach ideally one which gives the minimum attention to bad behaviour and stick to it. He's 2 he will take ages to get it. Hang in there.

I agree with pp- he's need to be removed when he hurts you. A swift sharp "No! Hitting hurts!", pick him up, turn him away from you at a small distance when safe to do so, leave him there. Repeat. At nursery when they are aggressive, the approach will tend to be the same, the child will be removed from the situation, "hitting hurts! Kind hands only!" Etc, and repeat. Mine was exactly the same, extremely strong willed, frustrated, would lash out and bite. It took maybe 2 weeks or so of constant "No! Biting HURTS!" coupled with moving him away from me and turning my back on him for him to understand he got no attention from hurting me.

It's not to young to discuss and understand feelings, though

At that age, I labelled their feelings but I didn’t ask how they felt or ask why they did that etc etc. They very much live in the moment at that age.

So I would say “yes DS I know you’re angry/tired/etc”. But little more than that.

This is the age to put in form boundaries around behaviour. My first was similar with the hitting both of us (but not other children) and we put up with it too long tbh.

Tiredness at this age is a biggie so avoid that and ensure enough regular sleep. Lots of praise for good behaviour, listening to adults, and immediate consequences for hitting etc. I would monitor TV as they do pick up behaviour. Peter rabbit type shoes model good behaviour and language.

It's a phase but one you need to be on top of.

I think making sure he gets no attention (positive or negative) after doing this, like others have said, is key. I've watched others do this consistently and it is hard, but about 2 weeks in, the kiddo gets the message. So, a sharp, 'No. You do not hit' followed by a short time out or whatever, will eventually works.

I think it is great if he's not doing it at daycare....I think that's a real sign of hope, that you don't have a monster of a child. 😉 He's just trying to figure you out and test your boundaries. I think if you apply it consistently, once he gets it, he'll be fine and you won't look back.

Thanks so much for all of your replies. We have been consistent with all the approaches for atleast s month on each but we haven’t really tried just saying - ‘No, hitting hurts’ then turning away. We have probably tried giving too much of an explanation and therefore too much attention for the behaviour. I think I will avoid any tv with aggressive behaviour though as I do think he is mimicking what he sees especially since he really loves all the ‘bad’ characters and the scenes with lots of fighting/action.
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one too. I’m a first time mum with no family support around me so it’s hard to know what to do. I just don’t want it carrying on too much longer as I can see that it’s steadily getting worse rather than better.
How do you all deal with hitting when it comes to another child? In the same way?
I’ve been feeling mega guilty recently that it’s all my fault, especially as I have lost my patience a few times and ended up shouting/dragging him to his room

My son now 10, was aggressive and I used to lock myself in my room. I was consistent and stuck to what consequences I set.
Left places etc. His aggression was mainly at me though not anyone else.
He grew out of it, he’s a lovely kind young boy now.

Do the same as the nursery do. They don’t seem to have any problems. Just copy their lead to the letter. Whether it’s what you say or how long he is removed (and under what circumstances he is returned as too early while angry can cause things to kick off again). What was he eating prior, anything he wasnt used to that may have had some artificial ingredients that could have caused a problem? Was he over excited or overtired? Did he get the chance to run around as much as usual and burn off energy or was it pent up until he exploded.
I’m sure you’ll get it sorted.