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Original poster

Anyone ever stayed with DH for the kids?

23 replies

Readysetcake · 17/11/2019 23:02

I’m sat at a wedding with a miserable DH (because I dared to challenge his dancing on the dance floor) and I’ve come to realise we are actually very incompatible in a lot of of ways.

We have two young preschool age children and the thought of having to share them at the special times (Christmas, birthdays etc) breaks my heart. But then is it fair for me and DH to carry on in an incompatible relationship?

If I try and talk to DH about it he just gaslights me and says I make
Things out of nothing and life’s too short to make an issue of things. So on the one hand I guess he doesn’t want to separate, but then on the other he is blatantly not happy.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Justtryingtobehelpful · 17/11/2019 23:12

Is our a control issue or the fact you're both stressed from having young children?

The Lundy book Why Does He Do That? might help....

docdro.id/py03

TiceCream · 17/11/2019 23:16

This is literally why I’m still married. I don’t want to share my DC at special times and I especially don’t want a stepmother on the scene. It’s not like I have a line of other suitors so I’m not missing out.

Original poster

Readysetcake · 17/11/2019 23:55

TiceCream that’s kind of how I feel a lot of the time. We can bumble along well enough in the day to day. But situations like tonight where I just try to be myself ans have fun cause upset.
Do I just shut down and become a non enitity and please him and keep my family together!. I don’t want anyone else but I don’t want to be made to feel like I can’t be myself at happy family occasions.

OP posts:

inforapennyinforapug · 18/11/2019 00:35

Don’t shut down and lose yourself over what is essentially 2 days a year of sharing your children on special days. You deserve better than that.

inforapennyinforapug · 18/11/2019 00:37

For what it’s worth I had the same epiphany at a wedding last year except I was pregnant. We did split up and I’m so much happier.

MinnieMountain · 18/11/2019 06:55

A friend has. They tried separating when her DC 3 and her DH hated being away from them.

She says it works for them as they're friends. It's just the romantic bit (which she presumes he gets elsewhere).

It doesn't sound like you and your DH are friends.

MinnieMountain · 18/11/2019 06:55

*was 3

AwesomeTrucker · 18/11/2019 07:04

My mum stayed for the DC, please don't do that to your children. They finally split when we were young adults and it didn't save us any heartbreak and I felt responsible for them being miserable for so long. Staying so you don't have to share your children on precious days is incredibly selfish, and they won't thank you for it. Believe me I know how hard it is to leave I'm at the point of trying to leave my relationship now with one DC, it's hard but I know we will be happier in the long run.

OhioOhioOhio · 18/11/2019 07:04

So instead you are going to share them with a badcmood?

It's wonderful without my x. Wonderful.

Iggly · 18/11/2019 07:06

Challenging his dancing doesn’t sound nice 😬
You don’t like each other so how can you even stay together?

lowlandLucky · 18/11/2019 08:00

I stayed because of the children, now as adults they have told me it was the worst thing i ever done, they have said they struggled with me being so miserable and their father ignoring me and them. Leave whilst your child still has a chance of a happy childhood

AntennaReborn · 18/11/2019 08:08

I am staying for DD. I am far from miserable though, DH and I get on well and we like each other's company and care about each other. We still have sex every other week or so, have nice family holidays etc. But the spark has gone, and I know we can't get it back because he did things he shouldn't have done and I don't really trust him anymore.

I know deep down that I'll end up leaving, but I am not ready, and DD is so happy. It's not like I would be walking away from misery, as I said we have a nice life and care about each other, but I wouldn't marry him again iyswim

Original poster

Readysetcake · 18/11/2019 08:25

Yeah it wasn’t nice to challenge his dancing, I was out of order. I was trying to do it in a jokey way as he looked so awkward. I was trying to get him to be silly with me and let go but he was obviously not feeling it. He just went off in a massive huff and told me to just leave him and go and dance but I felt I couldn’t do that. It was unkind of me in my drunk state and I apologised, but wish he would call me out on it at the time and not storm off and sulk for the remaining 1.5 hours before the taxi arrived (shared with others)

We’re happy enough at home and are not at each other’s throats and still laugh and joke. it tends to break down in social situations because we are so different. I’m chatty and love to dance and admits he feels awkward and struggles to chat to people. So maybe we should just not socialise together? I feel like I can’t be myself because doing that ends up leaving him always in the corner which isn’t nice. But not nice for me to sit with him and miss out on what I like to do.

Just a bit confused. I love him and don’t want to split but just not sure if this incompatibility will end up seeping into all areas of our life.

OP posts:

FizzyIce · 18/11/2019 08:37

So he feels uncomfortable socially which you are aware of but you still took the piss out of his dancing?
Not really surprised he went off in a huff.
Maybe he doesn’t like confrontation so would rather stay silent ?
I know many men like this .
I personally don’t think I could stay with someone for the children and tbh if you carry on making him feel bad and self conscious then he might take the decision out of your hands

MysweetAudrina · 18/11/2019 08:46

Sounds like he was making an effort to do something you know he is not comfortable doing and then you criticised him. How someone else dances is not a reflection on you and is really not up for your comment. Not surprised he walked off in a huff. Most people would probably do the same.

smeerf · 18/11/2019 08:56

I'd have probably been hurt too, if my DP had done that to me. Probably "sulked" (gone quiet while I tried not to cry and thought about whether I wanted to stay in a relationship like this). I feel sorry for your DP.

hannah1992 · 18/11/2019 08:57

From that description it doesnt sound like you're incompatible as a couple just that you find enjoyment in different things. That doesnt make you incompatible together though.

I'm one of those people that will talk to anybody. At the bus stop. In shops etc. I'm very outgoing. Dh isnt. He will talk to someone he diesnt know if they speak to him but he wouldnt just have a random conversation like I do.

When we've been to weddings or the likes hes usually sat at a table with some other bloke talking about some kind if sport. I'm dancing and having a good time. I dont feel like I have to sit with him because he would rather do that. Just because we have attended together doesnt mean we are glued at the hip.

Also it sounds as if your dh tried to join in and then you criticised his efforts which made him feel like shit.

I think you should apologise for your comments and accept that you have differences. That is normal. If every person was the same life would be bloody boring

Finals1234 · 18/11/2019 09:01

Could you not look at getting some counselling first? It sounds like these are smaller things that could be fixed by talking it through.

FWIW, I left my ex 5 years ago, with young 3DC. They are now age 12, 10 and 7. They still see their dad but all agree that it’s the best thing we ever did to leave him. Our lives are so much happier and they are having a much happier childhood compared to the one they were having with us being together.

Having said that mine was an abusive marriage, whereas yours sounds like it’s perhaps a mit more salvageable?

Allycumpooster · 18/11/2019 09:12

I once mentioned to a friend in school that my parents were divorced, she looked at me in shock as this was Ireland in the 80’s and no one got divorced, it wasn’t allowed. It took her a few minutes to recover then she said “God I wish my parents could do that!” Her parents thought they were doing a good job of staying together for the kids but all the kids knew that they hated each other, her home was miserable.
I have never forgot it and firmly believe that kids are happy with happy parents.

Illberidingshotgun · 18/11/2019 09:16

It sounds like he finds social situations very difficult, whereas for you, that's when you can really be "you". This makes him unhappy, and it also sounds like he was unhappy.

I think, as you acknowledge, it was quite unkind to criticise his dancing, and his attempt to be more social. It could well be that some couples counselling/therapy would be beneficial to accept each other for who you are, and to allow each other to be comfortable in social situations together.

I don't necessarily think he is gaslighting you - it sounds like he is downplaying his discomfort and the incompatibility in order to keep the peace - an example of gaslighting in this instance would be if he criticised you for being too social and dancing too much, and then afterwards said that he hadn't, you were exaggerating, you were making it up etc. Of course there may well be far more to this relationship than you have shared in one post. If he is gaslighting you, then that is abusive behaviour and no-one should stay in an abusive relationship, certainly not for the sake of the children.

NerrSnerr · 18/11/2019 09:17

My parents stayed together for the children. They thought we didn't notice as they thought they were putting on a good enough front. We were not that stupid and knew and it was awful. They'll see the 'happily enough' and they'll dread social situations as they get older.

Don't be selfish and stay together because you want it your own way. Put your children first and let them have the opportunity to live in a happy household.

VenusClapTrap · 18/11/2019 09:23

I agree it could be worth trying counselling. A close friend of mine left her husband when her dc were little because she said they had nothing in common anymore and he was emotionally distant.

She couldn’t cope on her own with two very young dc, so at his suggestion she moved back in and they signed up with Relate to give things another chance. It was hard work for quite a long time and she told me she didn’t know why she was putting herself through it, except that she felt she owed it to the kids.

But, they came out the other side. They are now closer than ever, have a deeper understanding of each other, and are genuinely very happy together. She says she can’t believe how close they came to losing each other.

So I think sometimes marriages can be saved, but only if you both want to, and are prepared to put in some hard work. For other people the right thing to do is cut your losses and walk away. Different for every couple.

LastNightThisNight · 18/11/2019 09:35

You definitely seem like candidates for counselling as you seem to think that fundamentally you have something good, you are just struggling with some aspects of the relationship. We used Relate as a couple and I also had some individual counselling. Our relationship was massively dysfunctional and I didn’t think it was salvageable, but complete honesty and a willingness on both our parts to listen and not judge why we feel the way we do, but instead to work with those feelings, really made us able to address the distructive dynamics. We were really struggling to let go of one another and didn’t go into counselling thinking we would stay together. That was 12 years ago and our relation has only got better since.

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