I’ve two children aged 4 and 2. I always wanted kids and was delighted to get pregnant with my first. I had PND after my first and really struggled to begin with, but then things got easier after about 6 months.
I fell pregnant again when my first was about 9 months old so a small age gap between the two.
Couldn’t afford childcare for both when the second was born so quit work. At about the same time DH’s business expanded and he was working all hours of the day - I looked after the kids pretty much on my own for weeks/months. It was REALLY FUCKING HARD.
Then this spring my youngest (then aged 2) started regressing - seemed to lose his speech, understanding and social skills, up all night and dropped his naps. DH’s business when nuts again so he had no time off all summer.
Struggled to take the 2kids out as anywhere that wasn’t enclosed, dc2would peg it off with me legging it after shouting like a fishwife. Anywhere busy and noisy led to screaming meltdowns. Dc1 suffered.
Whirlwind of appointments for dc 2 with health professionals repeating ‘I can’t give a diagnosis but there are strong indicators of autism’. It’s been months and apparently we’re still months away from the autism pathway’ which could lead to diagnosis and support.
I keep thinking about how much I’ve fucked up my life and fantasising about just having 1, or no kids. I wish I could just bugger off somewhere on my own.