Ex disputing child maintenance payments

[LilMissRe]

Morning everyone

I'm hoping to get some insight or advice as to whether I am in the wrong here. My ex and I divorced a couple of years ago (clean break) and as I couldn't afford any solicitor fees at the time my ex paid for my fees provided I give up more of the assets. I subsequently took much less than 50% of any assets ( I don't care much about that tbh, I'm glad I'm out of it). As with many mothers I assume, I am now (financially)worse off. He has since bought a new house and remarried. I have moved back home with my son.

My son lives with me and stays with his dad every other weekend. When I first brought up the maintenance payments during the divorce proceedings he hated the idea that the state would tell him how much he should contribute. He also reminded me that he was paying my solicitor fees. So I dropped the subject and told him so long as he is able to contribute to uniform and exam tutoring for English and maths then that would be ok.
We agreed on £350 a month, to cover everything.

I am staying with my dad and contribute towards my dad's house bills when I can and my dad thinks I'm being played, which made me rethink this figure. My ex now has decided to pay the tutoring company directly and not through me, which has now dropped his contribution to £100.

He does contribute towards the uniform to be fair and does buy him clothes when they go into town together, but a part of me is feeling like £100 is not enough even though something like looking after a teen is not quantifiable. My ex doesn't do anything else in terms of the help with homework, revision, cooking, cleaning, emotional support, logistics, parents evening and all the things that come with raising a 14 year old boy. I do it without question and gladly because he's my little boy but I have to remind myself his dad has some responsibility too?

I went onto the maintenance calculator and based on the salary my ex was on last, before we split the figure per month was £477.

For mothers and fathers that have gone through this, how do you come up with a suitable monthly figure? I don't want to ruffle feathers but I don't want to be played as a fool either. He gets very defensive when it comes to money, it's always been a touchy subject when we were married, even though, as a dentist, he is very well off- I learned throughout the marriage to keep to my own and never approach the subject of family finances.

He does use the gaslighting technique quite well and used it well throughout the marriage which scares me as I know if I bring the subject up, I'll be made the fool and begin to question whether I am indeed at fault. So I am asking for advice on how to approach this subject, if I have any warrant to do so?

Thank you so much.

Calculate how much he should have paid through cms in the last two years. Add up what he has paid (uniform, solicitor, maintenance, tutors etc) then see what the difference is. Once he is "paid back" for the amounts he paid for solicitors go through cms. I suspect taking that step will mean he no longer pays any of the extras though. He sounds like the type who will make sure you vet not a penny more than he is forced to give.

Don’t let your ex bully you. I would print out a copy of the CMS calculation write down the costs of your child’s expenses and also note this is on top of food, gas/electric etc and pass it over to him in an envelope when you next receive your son back from him. Basically ask for a higher amount to be paid.

I would say you appreciate that he paid fees for divorce but that time has passed and now it’s about ensuring that your son is paid for properly. If he refuses to pay or discuss properly then say you will pass it over to CMS for them to assess.

Forget the solicitor fees, they’re entirely separate to your joint son. Ring the CMS on Monday and don’t miss out on any more money you’re entitled to.

Don't discuss this with him anymore. Its getting you nowhere. Call CMS first thing monday and put in a claim. When your ex rings you to comp,ain and moan about it just say cms are handling it and put the phone down. This is money for his son and he is stealing from his child by witholding it.

But really he didn't pay your solicitor fees, because you had to agree to take less in the settlement than you'd have been entitled to? So surely that shouldn't come into it?

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate it. I think I'll try and calculate the amount as suggested and see what he says.