Do people really leave marriages without a third person on the horizon?

[Beelips]

That really...
I’ve read a few threads here in the past where people are considering affairs as they are in a dying (usually long term) marriage and the consensus (rightly so) seems to be to leave the relationship before even considering on embarking on something inappropriate outside of the marriage.
I’ve thought about it recently and thought if in the real world it really happens that way? Let’s say, a long marriage, children, fairly settled with no major dramas, no abuse, fairly good friendship but no intimacy, that part of the relationship gone for a long time and not salvageable. I get that the answer at this point is leave before anyone gets hurt if you think you may want to vent your desires elsewhere at some point. But my question is - does this really happen??! In the real world? I.e. Do you know anyone PERSONALLY who genuinely left such long “secure” (in many ways) relationship without that catalyst of a third person? Who rocks theirs and above all their children’s world without having feelings elsewhere so that they can have a clean honest break? I’d love to read real life stories? I personally don’t know anyone 😕 (not counting people in abusive relationships or where partner is an unsupportive arse etc).

My sister did.

Of all the divorces I’ve seen, hardly any related to a third wheel. Most were they just ran out of road and realised they were just utterly indifferent to each other.

I know a few people. They were in relationships that hadn't been working for years and they were worn out from trying to make it work. They left because they couldn't stand being in the marriage any more. Some of them are now longterm, happily single because they have been put off for life.

Um me!

Not saying it doesn't happen, but far more likely to have someone else acting as catalyst.

I don't know anyone where there wasn't a catalyst - but it was usually some kind of realisation of mortality; life is short and precious and I am unfulfilled here, and my spouse isn't open to trying to meet my needs) trigger for it...such as a bereavement, redundancy, untreated mental illness or a spark with a random that got the person thinking, so whilst there has always been a clear catalyst, in my experience it's not necessarily been meeting someone specific and the potential for a new relationship or an affair.

Yep. Friends of ours separated and planning divorce and neither seeing anyone new yet.

I can only think of one where there was someone else involved (or involved very soon after, so likely to have been around at the time).

Eh? All the time Personally:

My parents (twice, separately).
Several friends’ parents.
Two neighbours.
DH on his first marriage.
Three in DH’s family.
Two friends.

Sorry that reads a bit garbled - I mean people struggling with untreated mental illness or substance abuse in spouses and eventually thinking of leaving to save themselves

Never seen it happen. There's always been someone else involved. Every single time.

Yes, me and my exh and I know another couple who divorced before seeing anyone new too. I know a few who did have an exit affair though

Yes, often. They split up because it no longer works being Among others
-my brother
-my good friend (girl)
-my friend’s mum and dad

Oh and crucially my post applies more to women IMHO!

I've never seen a man leave without a potential new partner in the wings (apart from once with an abusive partner).

A year after my friend was suddenly left after 23 years because he wanted more from life and needed a fresh start but no one was involved etc, it has finally come out that he met his 'new' girlfriend three years ago at a conference.

I don’t think men ever leave a relationship unless they’re going to a new one. Someone told me this when I was in my early 20s and I didn’t believe them. However, 30 years of life experience and observations later, I realise they were apparently right. Some men may try to make it appear as though there’s no one else involved, but a new woman always seems to pop up a suspiciously short time after the split.....
But perhaps I’m wrong after all, going on what people are saying here!

Erm, yes my parents he was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and she'd stayed too long in order to keep the family together

No third parties with either

Loads of examples of marriages like that on here.

Male friend of mine has split up from his wife - no one on the scene. She really pushed him hard and was pathologically jealous of his children by a previous relationship so unless you count his DCs no one else was involved.

Both the above examples point to abuse though, which is an entirely different kettle of fish!

My observations as a 40 something person who sadly has witnessed various divorces amongst my friends and work colleagues the vast majority of them did not involve a third party. Mumsnet would have you believe that men are incapable of leaving a marriage without having someone else lined up first.

does this really happen??! In the real world?

Yes of course. I left my first marriage and no one else was involved. I was happily single for three years afterwards.

Me! Separated 2 years and neither of us is seeing anyone else. I think we’ve killed any notion of romance either of us might ever have 😂😂

My Dad did (the second time round though). My aunt did. There are a few other people that I know who look at least like they did.

Hardly any of my friends and family have separated or divorced. Weirdly. But of those who have, only one involved a third party.

Thank you for all your replies, it’s great to see other people’s experiences. I guess I was thinking very long term (e.g.10+ years) “stable” marriages with children. It seems I’ve got somewhat cynical over the years... What I generally tend to see (among friends and family is either) in this type of long term relationship is either;

a) break ups because of serious issues (abuse, unsupportive partner, addiction etc) or
b) Muddling through for years in a dying relationship for the sake of the kids and/or “stability”, not wanting to hurt the other party, then due to years of deprivation of intimacy, one of the partner’s gets turned.
c) Muddling through the above and never finding the strength to leave.

It’s good to see people have different experiences.

Pp, definitely agree that men very unlikely to leave a long term relationship without going to someone new!

I used to think it was mostly men that left for a new partner - but 2 friends AND 1 family member have left their husbands for other men. In every case, it was a man that they worked closely with.