Parents of teenagers - for those who've come out the other side

[MyMessyHouse]

I'm a very stressed parent of a 17 year old boy.
He's currently in 6th form and it pretty horrible to be around. It's been like this for over 2 years. Never wants to spend time with family, rude, disrespectful and generally unpleasant to everyone.lots more but too much to type out.
Yes, we've read all the books, given consequences and tried to do all the right things. We're a stable family, kind and caring but he hates my husband and I.

I've been on the teenage section, but it seems we're all in the same boat asking questions but not many answers, obviously parents who've gone through the teen years aren't likely to be on there anymore.

So basically what I'm asking for is stories of hope. I'm so drained by it all, and feel I'm forgetting my other child as all my time is taken up with worrying about the 17 year old.

Yeah they’re horrible.

Then they’re not. But remember the brain isn’t fully developed till 25 😂

Three to adulthood. Now dealing with a teenage girl. Chuckle at it, keeps you sane when you want to deck the little cherubs.

Thanks for replying.
Maybe no one's got any positive stories!

I thought the same re the teenagers thread. All of us pulling out hair out but no answers.😂

My teenage boy was awful from 15-17. He was also going through a tough time personally.

He's great now at 19. He even cleans his room and keeps it pristine !

I feel a fraud because we’re relatively unscathed so far! I feel for you.

When can I officially take a deep breath and relax. 18?

Find something you can connect with.
My teen ds's can be persuaded to stay rooted to a seat via the Chinese takeaway route to enjoy a film with me and dh!
Be genuinely interested in their mates /gf /hobby.
I hate football but they have no idea!!
Luckily I like boxing and gym regimes - (discussing not doing!)
They are capable of washing /making beds but assisting in the tidy up /change over is a chance for a bit 1-1 time.
Offering lifts and listening to shared music interest can be a canny song along ime!!
Obviously not if a friend is also sharing the lift!!
I have 6 over 18 dc ans have survived!!
Only a few to go!!

I had three horrible ones (probably not helped by me being a bit controlling and struggling to let them grow up). All are absolutely fine and happy and very close and loving with us now in their twenties.

DS1 was totally idle and rude and sometimes aggressive. Never did a scrap of work in college. Scraped into uni on a foundation course. Came back after a month and was a different boy. So grown up and sensible and acknowledging of how we had always tried to support him.

DD1 was quite hardworking but a terrible reckless, self destructive, party girl who lurched from one crises to another, fought with me constantly and just drained us emotionally. Even her uni years were tough; lots of drugs and hopeless case boyfriends. She has grown up and calmed down massively now. We still clash, particularly because she is home at the moment, but it’s all much more manageable.

DD2 was teenage trouble of the emo sitting in her room self harming type. CAHMS were worse than useless. What worked was carving out the emotional space and time to really love bomb her within a family of demanding divas. I think she suffered from our lack of proper attention. Fortunately she bounced back amazingly quickly and we have learned that she needs gentler and more careful handling than the others. She is doing excellently now at uni.

We still have one teenager but he seems reasonably easy so far. We joke we are experts now.

Yes I too would love an inspirational tale or two. My DS is 15, with ADHD, ODD, just like Kevin the teenager, very difficult, no laughing any more. Really hoping the funny personality will come back on top.

Thank you @TinklyLittleLaugh and @AnyFucker; it’s great to hear of the challenging ones who have improved 😀

I’m just tentatively taking each day as it throws itself at me...

If my 16 year old is alive, fed, a tooth in his head cleaned and one smile in a 24 hour period then I’ve scored a god damned fucking blinder!

I have very low standards and my expectations were parked up in my biscuit tin when he was 2 years old and the world of normality ended.

I’m too old and tired to muster any enthusiasm for battling.

This too... my dear fellow sufferers.. too will pass..

Other than the rudeness and disrespectful behaviour is he doing ok academically? Does he want to go to University? Have you had any problems with behaviour at school or 6th form? Does he have a good social life? What are his mates like?

Just asking as some teens are 'house devils but street angels' as in they save up all their vileness for home but generally they are ok outside of this. If not then perhaps there are some other issues that need untangling.

Thanks everyone, it really does help to hear some positive stories.

He's relatively bright in school, not many friends, I think this is part of the issue. Again, we've done so much to try and encourage him to make new friends, and do new activities, he just refuses, says he can't be bothered.
He said last week that he feels he's not normal, and he's not like other teens. We tried to get him to open up, he said there's no way he's telling us anything he hates us. I asked him if he would see a school counseller - nope, the doctor - nope. Family member - nope.
We've told him we're always there for him, but he just won't speak to us. I'm at a loss with what to do.
He has never had any behaviour issues at school and is always very polite to people outside the house. It's just me and his dad he can't stand!
He wants to go to uni but does the bare minimum at school. He also has just started a part time job which I'm really hoping will help.

Maybe time to step back with the parenting advice..
Ds nearly 18 was a bit like this. Take the pressure off from expecting him to discuss problems.
Await him asking for advice. It will come I assure you.
But you asking him is a reminder he actually doesn't know it all. He doesn't want to hear that!!
Keep it relaxed.
Or he won't want to be in much.

Yes you're probably right.
I do need to step back, but I'm also concerned about keeping the communication lines open (small though they are)
I constantly worry, am I too strict? Too soft? Do u leave him be?

Anyone got a handbook I can borrow? Mine didn't come with one!

I feel fairly lucky so far as I've not really had any problems with my two eldest boys ( aged 20 and 18 ). My almost 17 year old boy shuts himself away a lot and doesn't really speak to anyone but is not unpleasant when he does !

I was horrific between 14 and 18.I returned to normal when I started full time work and felt more independent.I get on brilliant with my parents now but how they didn't kick me out when I was a teen i do not know

by the time they are 17 I think you have to accept that you cannot manage their lives for them and you cannot decide how they spend their leisure time

you can insist on chores and the general helpfulness that comes with sharing a living space with someone but you can't insist that they should sit in the same room or talk to you about their private concerns

best way to keep communications open is not to insist

I have one 19yo (left school and working, living at home) and one 23yo (left home for good)

23yo is open to the point of over-sharing; 19yo is pleasant and polite but extremely reserved, does not talk about his private concerns and if you try to pry the barriers go straight up

giving him the space seems to work better than anything else

I have a story of hope. My teen was utterly vile, I mean you couldn't ask her to put a plate away without her storming off upstairs, screaming abuse. She was appalling on holidays, just everywhere and just generally draining. She was fine in school and to strangers but did not study at all but got away with it slightly as she was smart.
Anyway when she was about 16 after another massive row I told her we would feed and cloth her until she was 18 but after that our legal obligations ended and if she spoke to me like the way she had been one day after that date she would be out the door and I didn't care where she went. Life was too short and I worked too hard to be treated like shit in my own home.
I meant every single word, my DH was shocked but I said it will be her or me, no more.
it must of sunk in as over times the outbursts became less and less and even when there was one it wasn't the usual WW3
Now she is a delight, she studies, helps out, not with cleaning but thats the least of my concerns and its all relative
She is like a totally different person. 17 now