I'm sad, cross, tired and just fed up. Please handhold

[cjt110]

I feel life is a constant battle.

My son is 5. He's headstrong, stubborn and independant. I am really struggling with the constant battle between us asking him to do things and him doing it.And also feeling like the peacekeeper in the house too.

This morning was a nightmare. He was off school poorly yesterday so i could put it down to that but it's not a one off. I insisted he wore a winter coat and he was hysterical. Didn't want to wear it because another child also has it.

He ended up going into school in tears.

Ive been sat stewing all morning over it. Even contemplating buying him another coat just so I don't have to have this battle.

DH says just to insist. But DH isn't there when I;m having to do this in the mornings as he starts work at 8.

It sets my day off on a shit note.

I feel ill myself but can't afford time off work and have had to offer to work friday (my usual day off) rather than taking yesterday as unpaid.

I just really want to cry.

I just want a day with no tears, shouting or arguments.

I feel your pain. Mine is also 5 and very opinionated and difficult for the sake of it. But I have noticed a definite improvement over the past few months.

Clothing is still an issue for us though, particularly coats and wanting to wear the same raggedy pair of jogging bottoms very weekend.

I guess I just pick my battles, but I make sure I don't back down constantly, I d probably say it's 80/20 at the moment.

With the coat situation I would have just said fine, be cold then and left the house carrying the coat which I would then have given to him when he inevitably started whinging about being cold.

I get what you mean about everything being a battle of wits. It's draining. I think how much easier my life would be if I had a naturally compliant child (they do exist!)

I feel like I just want to go home, get him from school (I wouldn't take him out obviously) and just close us off from the world.

Also I try and reserve my loud scary voice for when I really need it as I find its very effective if used sparingly.

As much as it's frustrating, a firm but rational voice/tone works really well. He understands that I'm not losing my shit, I'm in control of the situation, but I also don't take his antics personally any more. It used to really bother me, as if I was part of the problem but I've learned that it's just his personality.

He is learning that there are times that he HAS to comply and times when we can have a discussion.

I have a 9 year old who sounds similar
And an 8 year old who has been referred to cahms and Ed psych for assessment so both quite challenging boys (also 2 older teens)

School sent me to triple p to help support me, it’s hard work and I’m not naturally super positive etc but it did work. You need to pick your battles with him, consistency is key he needs to know you mean what you say
If you implement a consequence you have to stand by it, the punishment needs to reflect the crime though so it takes some thought.

I also did triple p stepping stones which is adapted for my 8 year old so every child is different and TP has worked and helps you see things you perhaps do wrong or could change, how the way you speak and behave in front of your kids affects them and their behaviour and makes you look at your parenting and how you want to bring your kids up. I was really struggling with a strong willed 9 year old and a very challenging 8 year old and I couldn’t discipline effectively as what worked for one didn’t work for the other and I was overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated so this supported me and brought me back to basics almost.
Not saying it will work for for you and your son but it’s worth looking into techniques and support systems for you and him, you’ll still have bad days but it’ll get easier if you persist and don’t beat yourself up if it does go wrong. Not saying I have perfect little angels now but things are much more positive than before.

I realise this sounds nutty but have you tried being concerned and agreeable, even when he is way OTT? I think sometimes it is the power dynamic and sometimes just wanting feelings recogised. So with the coat battle sympathise, say you see what he means, be concerned he may get cold, ask him what he should do and take the coat along just in case. It sounds like he wants to assert himself, get some control and maybe if he gets it he can calm down enough to think. Totally non-confroational but also takes the wind out of his sails. Good luck

Handhold from me. My daughter is in reception and is a very headstrong child.

We had a twenty minute argument this morning because she wanted to wear ankle socks and I told her she needs tights at this time of year.

I feel your pain and fantasise about sending her to boarding school

Perhaps he's worried that he will get the wrong coat or that somebody will think he has the wrong coat? How about getting a sew on badge of one of his favourite characters of things and sewing it to his coat so that it is different to the other coat and easy for him to identify. Sometimes the loud and angry tantrums are down to anxiety.

It's honestly never worth fighting about clothes. If they don't want to wear a coat or tights, just put it in their backpack in case they change their minds later.