Child to Parent Violence

[feelingverytorn]

I know this is a difficult subject, but I was wondering if anyone else was experiencing this.

My 11 year old son has autism - so far it has pretty much been our parenting that has been blamed, but it really isn't. DH has a family meeting tomorrow, so I was writing some nights and it suddenly dawned on me that this is nothing short of abuse that we are experiencing. If dh was doing half the things to me that ds does, he would be arrested (and I would be being told to LTB)

I am on the receiving end of a lot, but it is mainly the youngest dc that is targeted. DH is going armed to the meeting tomorrow, but I was wondering if there was anyone else going through it. Thanks

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP

Have a look at Al Coates' work about CCVAB (childhood challenging and violent behaviour) as he's doing a lot of research and support for families living with this.

Thank you. I will look into that.

DH has a meeting at school today so will see what they say as well.

I think you need to think about what you want.

Is it for extra support on how to parent him yourself?
Is it for him to move to some residential setting so as to protect your younger DC and yourselves?

I think I want extra support.

The meeting was mixed, he has been doing some sessions with the police - it is a kind of early intervention course to give YP an idea of the consequences of their behaviour. Unfortunately it has not been successful and has been terminated. It is felt that he lacks emotional empathy. In a strange way I feel that this is not a totally bad outcome, it explains why everything is so hard and why the sterling advice from CAMHS to 'let them (the younger dc) take turns to choose a TV programme' was doomed to fail.

Exploring a few more options for help, the school are being very good though.

Is he in year 6 or just started secondary? Is he going through puberty as hormones on top of autism is horrendous.

6 months ago I was so worn down by my then 10yo autistic sons violent meltdowns. He'd throw things, smash things, hit or kick out at me, threaten me, I had to get my other children safely in the bathroom so he couldn't hurt them, he'd run away from home or school, he was throwing things at school, having to be restrained or excluded frequently, escaped school and climbed onto a railway line. I was scared of him and also scared for him that he'd get arrested and permanently excluded. He's such a bright boy (just got 97% in his 11+) so I didn't want him missing out on his future! I wouldn't give up on him as I knew this was extremely out of character and I'm thankful school didn't give up on him either as despite the scary shocking behaviour they knew he was a good kind boy underneath.

We had early help involved but to be honest not much help. We didn't need parenting help as I work with children with additional needs so had done all the courses they offer anyway and I didn't want him taken into a residential type place. I wanted Camhs to help him but of course he "didn't meet the criteria" despite us, dr, early help and school all on at them. He ran off one day and I had to grab the other two kids shove them in the car and drive after him - he nearly ran infront of a lorry on a busy a road. Two members of public stopped and helped me and got him in my car and I went to a&e which I had been advised to do and asked for an emergency mental health assessment.... we didn't get one that night but the next day Camhs got in touch and we were finally in the system.

He got an adhd diagnosis on top of asd and also anxiety. He was prescribed straterra and honestly within 2 weeks he was like a different child! I have my little boy back! Yes he still occasionally shouts and swears and gives attitude but he doesn't run off from home or school, he doesn't hit anyone or threaten to and he doesn't smash stuff up! Our house is back to a normal family home with only the odd sibling squabble not everyone being scared and tip toeing around him.

I'm just so disappointed it took so long and for him to literally nearly kill himself for someone to take us seriously!

I just want to give you a positive outcome to a similar situation. It's not you and it's nothing you have or haven't done. He is still your little boy and don't give up fighting for the help and support you all need. Consider medication if they offer it as it has been a total transformation for us even though it was a last resort. Consider counselling for you and the other children if you can access this. My other son (8) really still needs the play therapy sessions school give him as he really took a self esteem knock and obviously lack of attention as everyone was so busy trying to stop his brother running off or smashing stuff. I still feel tremendous guilt that I couldn't do more to stop his brother being so nasty at the time but all I could do was my best to keep them all safe and bless him he does understand his brother didn't mean it and that he was ill and all is good between them now but at the time it felt horrendous being stuck between wanting to protect the younger ones but also knowing my oldest was ill and needed my help too and that he wasn't deliberately being like this.

I agree if it was a partner you'd have them arrested and you'd leave but it's much harder when it's your child. You will get through this x

Also have you read about PDA? My son fits a lot of this but they don't diagnose it where we live. I adopted a lot of the strategies though and it did seem to help. But the main game changer was the tablets x

Icecream Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I am pleased that you are finally getting help, though shocking that things had to go so far before you got that help. It is good that your younger child is getting help too, my youngest is a similar age and she bears the brunt of it, so I know she needs support too.

He is in yr 7, its been a mixed transition but he is getting there.

Our latest experience with CAMHS was not good, the diagnosis of autism seemed to be their get out clause of offering anything even though the help we need is above and beyond what the local autism charities can offer and is additional difficulties to the autism.

All the best to your family.

Yep Camhs werent much help here to be honest the only help was the adhd diagnosis which enabled us to try medication! There is no funding for family help or respite or even young carers for the siblings. All they want to do is tick the box that you've been on the relevant course! Then they can say well we've done our bit, we gave you a parenting course now put it into action.... if only it were that simple lol.

6 months ago I was dreading the transition to secondary school with his behaviour the way it was, I was considering home Ed as I didn't think a mainstream would take him and he doesn't have any learning difficulties which meant a special school wouldn't suit either. I still worry how he's going to cope with a bigger school, all the diff teachers and loads of homework but I feel we are in a much better place now to cope with any challenges. X

I realise the original message was a week ago now and I see you have already had some supportive ideas. Al Coates' work is a good suggestion for understanding the issues. He works particularly in adoption, but many children with ASD diagnosis will be included there as well. I would suggest approaching charities supporting families with neurodiversity as another option. Many children find the transition from primary to secondary school difficult. Small to large, one teacher to many, more noise, confusion and expectations, all on top of hormones, loss of friends, loss of supportive teacher, maybe a move ..... Also you will notice that things you used to cope with are now harder because your child is bigger. There is a growing understanding about this problem and more help available than there used to be, but it is still sadly hit and miss. You might find the website Holes in the wall dot co dot uk helpful. There is also a book written for professionals which explains a lot about this sort of violence and abuse, and makes suggestions on how to address it and support the families. You can find it on the same website. I do hope you find some support soon as this is a terrible thing to be going through.

I'm experiencing this with my 6yo DD, I've often described it as feeling like I'm in an abusive relationship, but I have no choice about staying. She's on the pathway for ASD diagnosis but we get very little help yet. Social services (team around the family) have been a godsend. CAMHS were useless. I'm broken most of the time, I don't know how to survive, I'm so frightened about the future if she can hurt me this much when she's only 6.