Don’t know how to talk to children about separation

[Feathers1981]

I told me husband that I wanted to separate about a month ago. Things are amicable as they can be and he has remained in the house for now. But next weekend he is moving out and we are telling our 2 boys who are 4 and 7.

We will tell them together and agree that we should tell them that this has been a joint decision (despite the fact that it has intact been my sole decision). But I’m struggling to come up with answers to the questions I know they will ask.

All the information I read refers to the fact that ‘mummy and daddy’ have been arguing and this will make that stop. But we haven’t argued in front of the children. To them this will come as a massive shock and they won’t understand why.

The reasons aren’t really things you can explain to children. Any help appreciated!

Keep it simple - you and Daddy don't want to be married anymore so Daddy's going to live in a different house but he is still Daddy and you're still Mummy. We love you, we always will.

Be able to answer & offer reassurance - where will Daddy live, when will they see him, where will they sleep when they visit, what about Nanny and Grandad?

Hi OP

I had to tell my DC about separation 2 years ago ( although it was my exh who had had an affair).

What I found was that although I didn’t think we had argued much in front of them they had been picking up on the tension. But tbh even if we had been shouting at each other I don’t think it would have made it any easier for them to understand. Not many children thinks their parents will separate at such a young age.

I just kept it simple and followed the general guidance and said mummy and daddy hadn’t been getting on and we didn’t want to be living together anymore. But we still both loved them and that would never change. I also had the facts ready for them - so daddy will be living x, you will still see daddy lots on x and y.

My eldest who was 5 at the time did keep asking why and also asked if it was his fault.

I won’t lie it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and it broke my heart. However I did feel much much better once I had told them - I found the waiting to tell the worst bit.

Thanks. That is helpful. I’m dreading Saturday more than anything. It’s going to break my heart 💔

I found that the anticipation was worse than the reality, tbh, although it had been a long time building up for me - I told my exH I wanted to separate, and he stayed in the house for 18 months.

I didn’t feel it was fair to tell the children until something concrete was happening, so had to wait all that time to tell them.

Once he got his act together and was ready to move out, we told the dc together. We kept it simple - mummy and daddy won’t be moving together anymore; daddy will have a house nearby where you can see him; mummy and daddy both love you lots.

The dc obviously weren’t happy about it, but we’re ok. We were able to answer the questions they had at that point (where their dad would be living - we took them to see it the next day, when they would see him - we had a schedule worked out, and what would happen about toys etc - they could take any toys to any house whenever they wanted to.

ExH and I had agreed not to go into details of the whys and wherefores of the split. he hasn’t stuck to that, sadly, but I have (apart from talking through issues that have arisen from him not sticking to it!).

Obviously the dc’s lives have changed quite a bit, but overall it is going well enough (it’s been just over a year now).

OP - might be worth getting this moved to relationships as there are people there who have been through this.