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Life is too fucking hard!

19 replies

KnowBetterDoBetter · 10/11/2019 22:11

My clutch broke today (on the motorway, with no hard shoulder, with my 4yo, which was bloody terrifying) - it will cost £400 I don't have to fix it. Can't get to work without a car.

I work in the automotive industry and will get a 20% discount on the repair; my dad has just come home drunk shouting that I need to insist my work fixes my clutch for free or I need to quit on the spot.

My dad moved in with me a year ago (all above board); he pays me a bit more than housing benefit did without him so I have to let him. He saves a load more money than I do, yet he thinks he's doing me a big favour.

But he comes home drunk 3 times a week and I have nowhere to hide from his drunken lectures as I have to share a room with DD whilst he's here and she won't sleep when I'm in there.

And he pisses all over the bathroom floor and drops food everywhere and just generally makes a shit ton of mess that I can't cope with. I am one step away from pitching a tent in the park across the road!

I can't afford to survive without him and he does help me out with childcare every now and then and adores my DD and I do love him loads and feel guilty that I'm slagging him off now, albeit anonymously, but I'm so angry at him all the time and I fear this situation is going to ruin our relationship.

I make my (tiny) company at least 10 times my salary in profit - first by selling, now indirectly in a research role. But I'm still on a really shitty wage. And my boss said even if I had a PHD (which in my role is a professional doctorate, not academic - it'd make him £££ and lots of kudos to have an employee with one), I'd have to make a bloody good case to get a pay rise above a tenner an hour. I can't seem to land a better paid job. I've tried. I don't know why.

I have ADHD, which I got diagnosed privately for a year ago because the NHS referral takes 2 years plus, and the GP have just stopped my medication because I didn't have the money for an annual review (£300+). I was hoping to scrape this together in the next month or two, but now my clutch has gone. I don't actually know how I will stay in uni without my meds.

I'm doing a masters, full time and distance learning. Which I love, and bar DD, is the only good thing in my life. But I have nowhere quiet to study in my house, and I'm finding it nearly impossible to study without my tablets. I'll probably have to drop out. For the sake of £300.

My little DD is the best kid and I worship the ground that she walks on. But she is full on. She's probably got ADHD too, I think, but little girls with ADHD often do manage to follow rules and their hyperactivity manifests as non-stop talking and increased emotional sensitivity instead of being boisterous. I don't ever get a break. The 5 hours I'm not at work and she's at school, I have to study. When she finally goes to sleep, I have to study. Or try to study, whilst my dad blares fucking Eastenders.

Life is just too hard. I was pregnant, had no qualifications and was in an very bad abusive relationship 5 years ago. I wanted to make a better life for my daughter; I left him (he's in prison now), was homeless, managed to find a landlord to rent a house from, went to uni with a newborn, worked and studied my arse off to get my first degree, and got a job which is vaguely professional (though woefully underpaid) instead of the childcare/ HCA roles I was in before to try and progress my career.

I am working even harder to get this degree which will hopefully mean I'll finally progress up the ladder. But it seems like I'm working and working and its all for nothing. I can't seem to catch a break or a bit of respite for 5 minutes without another catastrophe. How can life be this hard with so little reward?

Sorry to be all woe is me, and I know nobody can really help. I don't know why I'm posting. Just feel so disheartened.

OP posts:
SurpriseSparDay · 11/11/2019 10:43

Nothing immediate to suggest, but you have all my empathy.

(My MA was almost the only good thing in my life while I was doing it, too.)

Loveagoodpaxo · 11/11/2019 10:52

Does you work offer an emergency loan scheme? I know I have colleagues who have used this in circumstances where their cars need repairs.

SurpriseSparDay · 11/11/2019 11:35

The one thing I would say is - try not to catastrophize. Resist the temptation to threaten yourself with loss of the best thing.

Is your father amenable to reason, when not drunk? If he is saving money, is there any reason why he could not help out with money? Either as a gift or loan.

KnowBetterDoBetter · 12/11/2019 15:06

Sorry everyone, I'd given up on anybody replying. He asked about my car the next day and I said I took it he didn't remember how he spoke to me the night before. He got all sheepish and offered to lend me the money a couple of hours later. So that's some immediate pressure off, thank goodness. Money problems are just the worst. And when I'm stressed, I just want to hide away and I can't focus on studying or anything. Feeling a little better now. Onwards and upwards, I guess. Hopefully all the hard work will pay off one day Smile

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 12/11/2019 15:24

Goodness me you have got your hands full, but be proud of yourself ! You have took on so much and sound like you are doing really well, glad you can get the money together for the car, cars can be such a pain !

georgia19ox · 12/11/2019 15:28

you sound lik ena amazing woman i take my hat off to you

Pukeworthy · 12/11/2019 15:29

Ah, someone with a life as fucking cursed as mine! I'm glad you found a little relief Grin

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/11/2019 15:37

Is the amount of money that your Dad saves you worth all the stress he brings to your life? You can be close and he can help you out without him living with you.

Can you not take your private diagnosis to your NHS GP to get your medication?

Diy2019 · 12/11/2019 15:38

OP I've been in the position where you are now, in a low paid job but studying and trying to make a career to have a better future. Struggling to make ends meet and wondering if it's worth it, not taking my ds to the doctor when he was sick because I couldn't afford it. The clutch has gone on my car and I have cried over it and wondered why I was even bothering.

But I kept going and things did get better. I got my qualification, a better job, more money, a more reliable car. I just want you to know that things will get better for you aswell. You're doing the right thing and all your hard work will eventually pay off, just keep going.

HairyToity · 12/11/2019 15:47

You sound amazing. Well done. You are very resilient. Hope your luck improves soon.

Sorry no advice, but keep plodding. I eventually caught a break, and hope you do too.

Gazelda · 12/11/2019 15:55

Hats off to you - you've achieved so much. Be proud of yourself. I'm so glad your DF is loaning you the money for the car. That's one immediate problem solved.
Have you spoken face to face with your GP? Tell them how much the medication has benefitted you. Explain your financial situation.
I really admire how you've done so far. And your determination to complete your studies. You deserve huge success.

coffeecow · 12/11/2019 16:12

You sound like you're doing an amazing job. Things will get easier one day and you'll have earned it completely yourself. What an incredible example you are to your daughter. Good luck.

Elieza · 12/11/2019 17:13

Sorry you’re having such a tough time OP. Perhaps you could talk to your dad about you needing quiet to study and his messyness etc - talk when he is sober. And remind him that the fact he couldnt remember what he said to you on a weeknight due to excess alcohol which really isn’t good for his health. However having lived with an alcoholic I know there isn’t anything anyone can do to change them until they decide to change.

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin · 12/11/2019 17:18

Ah op, I just wanted to say please keep going. You're doing an amazing job.

I often feel like this. I'm a lp, full time student and I'm so ridiculously stretched all the time. 8 weeks into the new academic year and I've considered dropping out at least 8 times...
Parental guilt, being poor as dirt and the pressures of studying will most likely finish me off.

Good luck KnowBetter. It WILL all be worth it (according to everyone I speak to).

KnowBetterDoBetter · 13/11/2019 14:56

Thanks everyone for the lovely comments, has given me a much needed boost!

*Is the amount of money that your Dad saves you worth all the stress he brings to your life? You can be close and he can help you out without him living with you.
*
It wasn't supposed to be for this long, but I had no idea housing benefit took so much of your student loan into account as income (even the thousands spent on tuition fees). I'm only left with a few hundred after tuition fees, but housing benefit would reduce by thousands due to this lovely piece of legislation. Sad so it'll have to be until September, at least. Counting down the days!

Can you not take your private diagnosis to your NHS GP to get your medication?

Because it's a controlled drug, they have really tight laws around it. Luckily the NHS will prescribe it under shared care, but I need one of these appointments every year for the private psychiatrist to carry on agreeing to it, I guess. I have asked the doctor to refer me through the NHS now, even if it does take a couple of years.

OP posts:
KnowBetterDoBetter · 13/11/2019 14:59

Perhaps you could talk to your dad about you needing quiet to study and his messyness etc - talk when he is sober. And remind him that the fact he couldnt remember what he said to you on a weeknight due to excess alcohol which really isn’t good for his health. However having lived with an alcoholic I know there isn’t anything anyone can do to change them until they decide to change.

It is hard. He won't change the messiness; that's why my mum left him. He doesn't take criticism well. He has started going up to his bedroom at 8.30 most nights to let me study which is a big help. I feel bad because it's his home too. It's just a bit shit. The alcohol effect on his health is a big worry, but yeah. He's never going to change or give it up. Scares me to think about it Sad

OP posts:
KnowBetterDoBetter · 13/11/2019 15:00

*Ah op, I just wanted to say please keep going. You're doing an amazing job.

I often feel like this. I'm a lp, full time student and I'm so ridiculously stretched all the time. 8 weeks into the new academic year and I've considered dropping out at least 8 times...
Parental guilt, being poor as dirt and the pressures of studying will most likely finish me off.

Good luck KnowBetter. It WILL all be worth it (according to everyone I speak to).*

Good luck to you! And thank you for your lovely message. You're doing amazing too. We'll get there, I'm sure. Thanks

OP posts:
KnowBetterDoBetter · 13/11/2019 15:01

Ah, someone with a life as fucking cursed as mine!

GrinGrin I said today I think I need to start playing the lottery or something because my fair share of good luck must all be getting stored up for a million pound win in a few years!

OP posts:
KnowBetterDoBetter · 13/11/2019 15:02

*OP I've been in the position where you are now, in a low paid job but studying and trying to make a career to have a better future. Struggling to make ends meet and wondering if it's worth it, not taking my ds to the doctor when he was sick because I couldn't afford it. The clutch has gone on my car and I have cried over it and wondered why I was even bothering.

But I kept going and things did get better. I got my qualification, a better job, more money, a more reliable car. I just want you to know that things will get better for you aswell. You're doing the right thing and all your hard work will eventually pay off, just keep going.*

Ah, this really does spur me on. Thank you, and I'm so happy things worked out for you.

OP posts:
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