Pre-babies - can I learn to be chilled??

[ellielu91]

This might be completely anecdotal so shout me down if there’s nothing to back this up... but there seems to be a bit of a correlation where girls who are mega chill about everything have mega chill babies, but girls (sorry - I do of course mean parents, I’m just thinking of particular girl friends of mine) who are generally worriers / anxious / etc have babies who are harder.

So... I’m thinking I’m probably in the second camp and will not find motherhood a breeze and I’m wondering: are there habits I can learn now so that I’ll be better equipped to let things go more and be mote chilled out as a mum if / as / when the time comes?

Hope this reads right, it’s not at all a criticism just hoping for help!

Thanks 😊

It's genetics/hereditary. You can do stuff like mindfulness and meditation to help, but DC usually have similar traits to their parents. My DC was a very easy going but sensitive baby. As she grew, she is showing more anxiety and worries about stuff. They might inherit your OH's personality traits or a mix of both parents.

Anecdotally - the children I know who have minor anxiety and are able to manage it constructively tend to do better at school / work than the chilled ones.

You can try playing the “so what?” game to get to the root of your worries. Think of the worst thing that can reasonably happen in a situation then keep asking yourself “so what?” until you run out of answers.

Say you’re worried about going to baby groups. What are you worried is going to happen? It might be that you’re worried no-one will talk to you. “So what?” So if nobody talks to you, you’ll feel uncomfortable. “So what?” Feeling uncomfortable for a few mins won’t actually do you any harm. You can concentrate on your baby or ask the person next to you how old theirs is.

From my own, totally unscientific experience I think you are overthinking things here. All my children are quite different to each other in temperament, health,interests, abilities. They have the same parents, so obviously must share quite a bit of DNA and they have been brought up in broadly the same way in the same environment. As babies they have ranged from super chilled to rather high needs. I really don't think it is predictable.
My then best friend and I had our first babies a few months apart. My first was quite high needs and didn't sleep very well but hers was sleeping through the night from an early stage and was generally very relaxed. She put this down to her superior parenting skills and wasn't shy about telling me, and anyone else who would listen, that this was the case. Fast forward a couple of years and she had a second baby - the complete opposite to her first and much, much harder work than mine. She realised then that things were not quite as black and white as she had believed.
If you have problems with anxiety then it makes sense to address them. As the previous poster suggestrd things like Mindfulness and various relaxation techniques can be very helpful. Learning those kind of skills could be really useful in helping you manage any anxieties after you become a mum, but I am afraid there is no way you can guarantee a chilled out baby. I think the best advice I ever got is not to put pressure on yourself. If you read any books by parenting gurus, take the bits that you find useful and ditch the rest - don't try to make your baby conform to someone else's rules. And hard though it us, don't compare yourself, or your baby, to anyone else. There is no one right way to parent. We all do things a bit differently and babies have their own personalities from day 1. Be true to yourself and follow your baby's cues and I don't think you will go too far wrong.

I agree with what you’ve found. The chilled ones have easier babies, the worried ones have harder ones. I think it’s because those that are naturally more anxious look for problems more than those that are more laid back.

DH & I are incredibly laid back and our 5 week old DD is unbelievably chilled out and so easy (happy to accept she's only tiny & there's time for this to change). I agree with the poster above with playing the "so what" game, I think that sums up the mindset quite well. I think with pregnancy/giving birth/looking after your baby theres so much out of your control that you just need to go along with it and if it's not what you planned/expected then not to stress and just take it as it is (ie don't put too much pressure on how you'll give birth, don't expect to leave the house the first 2 weeks post baby, don't expect to do anything but eat/sleep/keep the baby alive in the early days). You can't control some things so just enjoy them as they are!

I disagree - it's all about the baby.

I was very relaxed with DD2 because she was a cinch and always happy.

DD1 was a refluxy screamer who left me a frazzled mess. Another mum at the mum group I took her to said, "I don't think I'm lucky that my baby is easy - think I have a relaxed baby because I'm so relaxed too!" I snorted just that little bit too loudly and did not go back

I'm a worrier with anxiety issues. My DH is so laid back he's practically horizontal. It'll be interesting to see what DS is like. I hope for his sake he's more like his dad

The 'so what' game doesn't really work when your anxiety catastrophies everything 😆 I can basically end any scenario with 'and then I'll die'.

Anyway. I think some babies are more difficult than others, and sometimes the easy ones get chilled parents and everyone thinks it's because of the parenting. Also, people who are more chilled give off an aura of coping, even when they're actually finding things tricky.

Grandmasterstitch I'm like you, and my DH is laid back like yours. We have one very serious, quite anxious child and one who has always been The Most Chilled-out Baby/Child ever. Both straightforward pregnancies/births and both patented the same way! It is fascinating how they turn out!

I dont think so. People who seem chilled are good at not taking life events to heart or at least seeming so so even if they are having a shit time they will just see the best and minimise the bad.

If you have a mental health issue though thats so different because yes your MH will likely get worse after children.

My health visitor always said I seemed very relaxed at antenatal visits, and according to my mum I was a super-chilled baby. My baby has very little in the way of chill. She has had tummy issues which doesn't help, but when she's getting tired she goes almost manic and needs calming down. I feel she may end up more like her daddy, who used to fall asleep mid-crawl as a baby because he wouldn't stop moving

Interesting thread op. I think it has to be a mixture of nature, nurture and circumstances for each particular baby.

I'm very chilled about parenting but have anxieties in other areas. Dd has been an incredibly chilled from day one, as has her older sibling. Both have been in very different adoptive families from a very young age following highly stressful, harmful and traumatic pregnancies and births so I don't even know where to figure how they turned out chilled or how they'll be as the grow older.

Wow thank for all the replies! Will definitely try to keep up with exercise as that helps me reset 😊

I am a giant fretty introverted over thinker. DS is a laid back extrovert. Barely cried as a baby, could plonk him anywhere (play gym, bouncer etc)

Mum says I was a very laid back baby, and DH is a chatty extrovert - DS got lucky with the personality genes.

You may find motherhood/hormones changes your personality for a bit. I was really relaxed when I had DS, I think it was the breastfeeding hormones! So I breastfed him for over 3 years (Obviously this isn't universal)