I want to be on my own

[Fuzzyhead88]

I’ve been with my partner 15 years, I was 17 when we met and he is 19 years older than me. We have three kids 14,12 and 5. The age difference was never really an issue for me but when he turned 50 it started to bother me more.
He hasn’t really done anything wrong, he’s a good dad very loving with them, doesn’t do anything with them though or take them anywhere.
When I was younger he was quite controlling; telling what I couldn’t wear and not liking me go out, I think I might have a level of resentment about it.
Up until two years ago I paid for everything, aside from the mortgage and even at that he was always missing payments, borrowing from me and then not paying me back. Now I’m at uni things have had to change, he is responsible for all the bills and I pay for the kids and the shopping, he doesn’t borrow money anymore or if he does, he makes sure I get it back. However, bills do go unpaid and then pile up. He will then work his arse off for a week, pay some bills, then not work and the cycle of debt continues - he has always been this way and I’m so fed up, but also think I’m being quite shallow.
I know I am ranting but I just want some input. I’m not sure who I am in fact, I’m not sure I even know what a relationship should or shouldn’t look like.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, least of all the children.

I can't get over the fact he was 36 and you were 17

Disgusting... him not you.

Atleast you've got some sense now get out and live your life. Can't believe no one advised you that you're doing the wrong thing you were only 17!! Where on earth are your parents

I daresay the op was insistent to her parents and they gave in, wanting a quiet life. Then she was pregnant so what could they do except make the best of it. There have been times, looking back, when I've wished my parents had stopped me from doing some things but in reality I know I would have kicked up merry hell! (In any case, their idea of stopping me would have been to have me locked up :-).)

Its very shocking, op, that you were paying for everything. He sounds rather feckless with money. I'd have thought one advantage to having an older man would be that they are financially set up but that doesn't appear to be the case with yours - though it sounds as if things have improved a bit since you've been at uni.

Well done you for going to uni! It's not easy when you have children so you're doing well.

I wonder if you really love him any more. You are still a young woman and you will have opportunities in the future career wise. Don't do anything hasty right now but once you're qualified and working, reassess the situation and work out what you want for yourself and the children.

It's understandable you don't want to hurt the children but marriages do break up and parents co parent. Your eldest two will be bigger and more understanding in a couple of years. However you haven't got to that stage yet - and may not - it's the here and now that needs sorting.

Do you and your partner really talk to each other? Communication is so important. Are you married, you didn't say (you don't have to say).

I totally get what others have posted about the big age difference when you were only a teenager but I presume your partner has been faithful to you and doesn't have a worrying general penchant for teenage girls. It is what it is, too late to go back even if you wanted to.

I hope all works out for you, please keep us up to date with how you're doing. Enjoy life!

I just feel really fed up. Communication isn't good really, but its more about having someone who I can talk to and with and I've realised that we don't have this. We are quiet different I guess. He is quiet happy to just plod on, I want more than that. I'm not sure if most relationships pan out like this after years together? Even though he has improved in terms of pulling his weight , its by no means 50/50. Anything that we do as a family as to be initiated by me, he is just lazy. He never just takes the kids out, or he tells them he will, then doesn't and that leaves me feeling guilty.
In terms of money, I am at my wits end with him, its a constant cycle of debt. He can live day to day, I don't like to.
I wish more had been said at the time in terms of my age, its quiet strange that it wasn't. My mum however, probably had enough of me by that point. I wasn't exactly a nice teenager.
I thought about waiting it out, and that's what I'm trying to do but I'm not sure I've got another year of feeling like this in me! X

Oh bless you Fuzzyhead.

You really do have to talk to him, you know. Quite plainly so he knows exactly how you feel.

If your uni has a counselling service for students it would be a good idea (imo) for you to take advantage of that. At least you would have someone to talk to in a confidential environment with no judgement and a good counsellor will guide the conversation so that, ultimately, you come to a decision. At the very least, it would be releasing for you.

I honestly don't know how this will pan out but things have to change and it seems that you are the only one willing that to happen. I don't have a crystal ball unfortunately but you are worth a lot more than what you have at the moment.

I get myself in a knot with communication.
He has asked me tonight if I love him, and then said 'your not close at all' Feel like I'm backed into a corner. I responded by saying 'no, we aren't close are we' and that I was tired and fed up. His response was, well there's no point taking to you then.
I must admit, I am shit at the communication thing, I just clam up and feel like he tries to turn things around.
Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I don't really know anymore

Honestly, if you're that unhappy, leave. It sounds as if you have a foot out the door anyway.

Think carefully, make a plan, then leave.

I really hope you will look at the Freedom Programme. Www.freedomprogramme.co.UK

It will help you weigh up whether you're being unreasonable or not and how a healthy relationship should look.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you've spent the formative years of adulthood being conditioned to believe you are and to blame yourself for being mistreated.

I don't think you're unreasonable either, Fuzzyhead. I can really sense your unhappiness from your posts. You can't go on like this forever.

Freedom plan looks good, worth giving it a go.