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Original poster

Would you intervene? If so how??

20 replies

HotMessMama · 08/11/2019 12:59

Sorry this is more of a WWYD but I can’t seem to find that topic ...

Yesterday I witnessed a young woman being verbally abused by her partner while out shopping. Several other shoppers witnessed this and glances were exchanged (we were all stood in a long que) but no one intervened. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her, wondering what on earth she has to endure at home if this is how she is treated in public. I am wracked with guilt because I didn’t say anything but I had my 3 year old son with me and I was worried that he might turn on me.
Would you have intervened in this situation? If so how??

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 08/11/2019 13:00

No I wouldn't have because likely she'd have been punished if I had. Sadly

Likethebattle · 08/11/2019 13:46

No as he’d take it out in her. I just hope she gets help.

dorkingchicken · 08/11/2019 14:54

Years ago, when I was a teen, my dad intervened when a man was shouting really loudly at a woman in a shop doorway. The woman told my dad to fuck off. Can only assume she thought my dad saying something would make it worse for her. My dad was really shaken by the incident.

Coolwinter · 08/11/2019 14:59

Yes I’d have intervened any standing by and saying please stop this is not okay or called the police. He was already taking it out on her and not only that, feeling like he could do that in public. The further boundaries are pushed, the worse the abuse will be.

TheFlis12345 · 08/11/2019 15:00

It’s hard to know as it’s so dependent on the circumstances at the time. I overheard a guy being very calmly and quietly horrible to his girlfriend as they waited near me on a tube platform recently. When we boarded he was ignoring her but I managed to catch her eye and mouth ‘are you ok’, she sadly nodded and said thanks. They got off at the same stop as me and he stormed ahead so I managed to tap her on the shoulder and tell her that the way he was talking was not ok, not normal and she deserves better.

peridito · 08/11/2019 15:23

I think intervene to demonstrate it's not acceptable .Tho I agree a lot depends on time ,place ,context .

Be prepared to be yelled at by both parties .I've intervened twice and on both occasions got shouted out .

ThreeLeggedCat · 08/11/2019 16:42

My Dad intervened once years ago when he was moving a canal boat for a company and saw a man being unpleasant to his female partner (this was probably 50 years or so ago). Whilst Dad was comforting the lady, the man shut Dad’s rudder in the lock gates. When the lock then filled up, the boat then sank. Not a good day. Or a nice man. (My Dad however, is lovely!)

peridito · 08/11/2019 20:37

Wow how vindictive! Your poor dad ,I hope he didn't have a shed load of trouble as a result of the boat sinking .

Natsku · 08/11/2019 20:48

After I left my abusive ex I reflected on things and thought that if someone had intervened maybe I would have realised just how bad things were sooner. Now if I get the opportunity to talk to them privately, I ask if they're ok. If not, then I try to give them a look that says 'this isn't ok'

peridito · 08/11/2019 20:51

That's a really helpful post Natsku , I'll try and do that .

I hope things are better for you now .

Natsku · 08/11/2019 22:08

Thank you peridito things are much better now

looondonn · 08/11/2019 22:14

When I was going through serious amounts of DV I prayed downstairs neighbours would intervene
I am so sure they heard many of the incidents

I wish some of the people who walked by had stopped to put the bast---- in his place while he shouted at a heavily pregnant woman

Many were too shocked and scared I think

If it was me walking by I most def would stop and challenge

FabbyChix · 08/11/2019 22:53

I would have yeah and been vocal about it I won’t listen to that or kid being abused and walk past

Ginger1982 · 08/11/2019 22:57

I would have probably said something but if the woman had then shouted at me I probably would have reacted badly and shouted back at her and said something inappropriate for her situation. So best I keep schtum!

There is a great US programme called What Would You Do. It's on YouTube and this sort of situation is one of the scenarios they use t see what people would do.

Ginger1982 · 08/11/2019 23:00
NeedAnExpert · 08/11/2019 23:02

I witnessed a bloke being violent to his girlfriend one night. So did my dashcam. I tried to check she was okay but he attacked my car. So I called the police. GF didn’t want to press charges.

He was arrested, charged on 2 counts and I gave evidence in court against him. He was found guilty and given community service, rehabilitation and a large fine. I barely slept for a week afterwards thinking he would fond out where I live and my house would be burned down, but I’m glad I did it. If he is violent/abusive and his GF ever wants to make a complaint, it should be a whole lot easier for her now.

user1471449295 · 08/11/2019 23:10

When I was with my violent ex, I always hoped someone would intervene. When it happened behind closed doors, neighbours must have heard. When we were in public and he was verbally abusive, no one ever intervened or asked if I was ok. I never felt so alone. It made me feel like even strangers thought I was a piece of shit and I deserved it. I’d never felt so worthless

woogal · 08/11/2019 23:25

I couldn't have kept my mouth shut and let that carry on in front of me.

nellyitsme · 08/11/2019 23:59

I did - I was in a small supermarket near Finsbury Park tube one cold dark evening on my way home from work and I could hear a man shouting at his wife or partner all the ways around the shop and their little girl was crying too. He was behind me at the checkout so I just turned to him and told him to shut up as I was sick listening to him shouting at his wife. He looked a bit shocked, and I walked out the shop to go home - I was realising that he could have attacked me. He followed me out and tried confronting me, I said "is that all you can do, shout at and bully women? " he looked at me like he was going to hit me but he just spat at me in the face. My legs were shaking as I carried on with my journey home and I thought he might follow me but he didn't fortunately. I didn't wipe the spit off til I got home as I was too scared to stop walking or do anything. I'm glad I did it and I hope I might have made him think twice about bullying his wife and child

RainingFrogsAndHats · 09/11/2019 00:28

I've done it twice. Both times I've whispered or mouthed to women "are you ok?"
Both times they've told me they were, and with one of them i said "there are places that could support you... numbers you can call" and she said "I know"
I didn't want either of those women to think no one had clocked what was happening or to pretend it was acceptable
I didn't actually help either of them, but I hope they didn't feel alone

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