I need a grip, or a handhold, or something..

[ConvenienttNameChange]

Have had a terrible few months. Sibling diagnosed with cancer early summer, died last month. Other siblings falling out (not badly, but enough to be uncomfortable) over funeral arrangements, admin etc. Elderly mother in hospital after a fall, increasingly confused. Lots of other low level stuff going on too.

That's background but I'm putting it because I think it's effecting how I'm processing everything else.

Have two kids with SEND, younger is 12.

Am absolutely petrified of getting pregnant again. Had sex with DH on Wednesday. Condom didn't split but all felt a bit more messy and wet afterwards, possibly leaked a bit? After spending yesterday convincing myself I was getting anxious and worried about nothing, gave in and went to get emergency contraception this morning mostly to put my kind at rest. Am kicking myself because, although within the time limit for getting the MAP in terms of time since sex, according to my dates I'm probably ovulating today, which makes it possibly too late. Pharmacist advised looking into getting emergency coil fitted.

Phone sexual health clinic. Nurse was very kind but when I described the situation, said she thought getting an emergency coil was probably a bit drastic. Nearest clinic that does it is 90mins away.

I think she's probably right. There have been situations like this before when I've been able to see that I'm just getting over anxious, talk myself down, and it's always been fine. I'm struggling with that this time.

Talk sense to me.

(As a side note I KNOW that for my own peace of mind I need to get long-term contraception sorted and I will. This is the shove I need to do it.)

Just a little bump as I know there's not much to say really.

Am feeling better and calmer. A bit crampy but probably over-aware of twinges I wouldn't even notice otherwise.

Here for a handhold. Sounds like you’ve been having a crappy time of it.

Thank you. That's the first time I've written it all down in one place (and as I said there is more), and reading it as if it's someone else make me think 'well of course everything's difficult and stressy'.

DH stressed with work and gets anxious too so we're not that good at supporting each other at the moment.

Gosh, what a huge amount of stuff to be going through. Your whole body is probably on high alert.

I don't know if it's any comfort or reassurance but I do find when things are tough I do end up getting really anxious and distressed about tiny, innocuous health things (for example) that otherwise I'd be able to rationalise and dismiss appropriately.

I think it's that in those times my nervous system is already on high alert and watching out for anything else it needs to protect me from so "overreacts" to any new worry that comes along because that high alert state isn't interested in the nuance between the big stuff it's already dealing with and the new little worry. It's just got the DANGER klaxons going.

Have you got anything nice / gentle you can do this evening?

You have too much on your mind right now and everything that adds stress seems like a huge issue.

Imagine how relieved you will feel when your period comes up (and probably it will!) and then stop thinking about it. Go for a walk if you have time, fresh air can help you clear your mind.

Just before you ovulate you tend to produce more discharge, so there's a good chance that was why it felt that way.

But you've had an awful year and it's no wonder your anxiety is acting up.

Thank you, you're all very kind.

I want to clarify that I don't have any diagnosed anxiety issues but and just anxious right now about this. I possibly wasn't clear and there's nothing more irritating than someone going on about 'anxiety' in a MH sense when they're just a bit worried.

I feel like I've probably been on high alert since the birth of my eldest 15 years ago. But people who know me will tell you I'm strong, positive and not phased by anything. When our second child came along with more severe difficulties than the first, people commented on how well we were doing and so on, but what choice have we ever had?

I used to joke with friends that one day something would happen which would cause me to finally come to the end of my tether, but we have kept going, through various family crises, multiple surgeries for the children, difficulties with schooling and all that comes with having kids with complex needs.

I think I am generally positive and resilient, but people are so convinced that's the case that it's very hard to climb down off the pedestal and have a good cry.

Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

Hello again,

Just to thank you again. I haven't posted again but have come back and read responses when I've had a wobble and it's helped.

Anyway my period arrived this morning, three days early but a massive relief. We're away from home having travelled to sibling's funeral so I have nothing with me and am currently waiting for the supermarket to open so I can go and get pads and painkillers.

But evidently not pregnant so hooray for that!

I just want to send you a massive hug. So sorry for all you are going through. Glad your period came.
So sorry for your loss.

and a handhold too @ConvenienttNameChange

That’s a lot for anyone to have going on.