Strategies for rigid-thinking 5 year old

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Posting for traffic, thank you.

DS(5) is very rigid in his thinking. He's pretty good with unexpected changes in routine, and I think he manages disappointment unusually well for a child. He verbally 'coaches' himself (even if he's visibly distressed) in order to cope, saying things like 'We can come back another time,' or 'I feel disappointed but I'm ok' etc. I'm often amazed at how well he manages things that I would have struggled with even as a much older child.

However. If someone says something he disagrees with, or uses words in a way to which he's not accustomed, he can react with a screaming tantrum, and will 'go on' about it for a long time afterwards. The tantrum can refresh itself, even hours after a seemingly minor incident.

DH referred to a saucer as a saucer today, rather than DS's preferred 'plate'. This sounds ridiculous, but DS tantrumed to the point of tipping his drink (fortunately a small babycino, mostly froth) into said saucer, screaming and sobbing. He was very angry, not just upset. He just cried about it again to me now I'm home from work, and said he was angry and had wanted to bite DH (he didn't).

DS is having a full paediatric assessment for ASD later this month, but whatever the outcome we need strategies to cope. It's confusing for us because he's not always rigid, and as I said, copes extremely well with some adverse events. But his pedantry can be off the scale, and is very wearing...

Anyone else have one of these?? Any ideas how to address it? My book of social stories isn't cutting it.

Welcome to the life of an ASD parent.

Yes I have one, it has got slightly better with time. All usual triggers make tantrums more likely - environment, tiredness, hunger etc
I'm sorry I have no excellent advice to offer!

Thanks, HRH. He is actually quite chesty today, which is why DH was home with him. DH took him to the cafe for a quick outing, as they'd been stuck inside all day. And poor sleep last night... Lots of triggers there! Even though he's only 5, he has actually improved in the last few months - less reactive. But the tantrums are epic when they occur. He's been doing zones of regulation stuff with his speech therapist, which has been useful to head off a couple of episodes lately, but at times the mist descends so quickly.

I will say that the one thing I wished I had done sooner was a visual time table for the week - we do it together now so DS has some control over the things he doesn't like eg hair wash day or what's for tea on certain days. Good luck, it can be very wearing, to say the least but it sounds like your son has some good insights into his feelings which will be really helpful in future 👍

No experience here personally but I do work in a school and the one thing that jumps out while reading your post is that your ds seems to have lots of strategies to cope. Maybe he is coping too much at other times and by holding everything together so well he needs to let go occasionally. You also mentioned a speech therapist so am guessing he has had speech or communication difficulties in the past, it could be he is struggling to find the right words to articulate the issue and it blows up instead. Doesn’t help you I know but just an observation. Good luck with the assessment and hope you get the answers you need from it.

cassgate, that's very interesting - I do think he 'overcopes' sometimes. It's one of the things that has made me seek a diagnosis (there are many others). He has lots of self awareness, and insight and it's quite painful to watch him hold it together sometimes, when he'd be quite justified in losing it a bit! And then he completely falls apart over apparently minor things. He is very, very bright (not a boast, he also licks door handles). He's been diagnosed with dysfluency - he's got an amazing vocabulary and turn of phrase, but lots of repetition and bumbling about at times.

HRH I really need to do a visual timetable. He's always asking what day it is, and what day do we do 'X'. I'll get DH to pick one up tomorrow from Officeworks. Thank you.

My 5 yr old is autistic and this is all very familiar. It sounds like he's doing a fabulous job at regulating his emotions I haven't found anything that works in terms of the rigid thought processes - that's just part of ASD I think. It's more about finding strategies to cope with unexpected changes which it sounds like he is doing very well at so far.

I do find however that my daughter is a little more flexible when she's not already anxious, so the timetable might be just the ticket. She also likes to know EXACTLY what will happen and when. But it also helps to have a plan for what we can do if things don't go to plan. Does he have sensory issues? My DD is again much more rigid when she is overwhelmed sensory wise so that's another possibility to look into - things like a sensory diet, ear defenders, down time etc

Thanks for your reply Absoluteunit. He seems to have some sensory issues, can't tolerate sudden loud noises (recently bolted out of a shop when someone sneezed next to him), but coped very well at a big agricultural show we went to, very overwhelming, with loads of noise and rides and crowds. It's really hard to predict what will set him off.

What is a sensory diet? Is it for food sensitivities? I'll google it. Weirdly, another early sign to me that something was wrong was that he loves all food - totally and completely unfussy, but to extremes. He'll nibble a hot pepper while watching telly, eat a chunk of raw ginger, freeze leftover supper and demand it frozen for morning tea... He sampled some cheeses in a lovely deli last year (I don't like any cheese, really), and he called to the guy behind the counter as we were leaving, 'Your cheeses are excellent!' The proprietor thought it was cute, but it made my heart sink a bit - it just seemed so odd for a 4 year old. I think it might be sensory - really strong flavours, sensation-seeking type behaviour. Maybe he'll be a chef (if he can learn to hold cutlery!)

Sorry, somehow I missed your reply. Did you manage to find anything on Google about sensory diets? Essentially it's a routine of various sensory activities to help with regulation. Does the ASD assessment in your area include OT? If so they might be able to help with this. We had to pay private for ours but I have to say it was well worth the money. At the time she was really struggling with clothes, hair and tooth brushing and it really helped. But the book The Out of Sync Child is excellent and lots cheaper than an OT assessment

whwt was the outcome of assessment? My 4 year old is rigid too x

Wow, this is an old thread! He ended up being assessed as autistic, with a PDA profile, and then given an additional diagnosis of ADHD when he was 8. He's 11 now! He did not cope at school at all, so he's homeschooled. Or rather, he's a completely self-directed learner, so DH and I just get out of his way, and provide materials and support when necessary. I had to give up work. He is wonderful and fabulous. It was so very hard for me to manage when he was 4, and 5. Hang in there. xo