Is this a mid life crisis or some sort of breakdown?

[MudLifeCrisis]

I had crippling anxiety all my life. My dad(my voice of reason) passed away, it hit me hard, my anxiety escalated significantly. I ended up on antidepressants and my anxiety just went. I was suddenly able to function and enjoy life again. I was able to be a proper mum to my children. It felt like a breath of air had been injected into me. I felt great. Felt like I could take in the world.
I was in a ling term relationship, we had kids together. We’d had our problems-he wasn’t squeaky clean and had messed up a few times but I loved him and wanted to keep our family together, so I stayed. I was resentful towards him sometimes but we were doing ok.
We got engaged and had the wedding booked.
Earlier this year, after being a stay at home mum for the best part of a decade, I got a job. I was respected, listened to, talked TO rather than AT. I had an identity. I wasn’t just so and so’s mum anymore.
The people I work with are a great bunch of people. We’d sometimes go out after work and laugh so hard my face hurt. I hadn’t laughed like that in so long.
Because I was anxiety-free, I finally felt able to do the things I’d always wanted to do. Things that had scared me. I went to the dentist for the first time in 20 years! I got a couple of piercings, got a small tattoo, then ended up with more. It was so liberating.
My relationship was suffering. I hated being at home because my partner was so resentful of ‘the new me’ He wanted the old, submissive me back. The woman who hated leaving the house.
I ended up getting talking to a man. We kissed and I immediately told my partner. We were over...
I moved out, we share the children and we still get on really well and spend time together with the kids. We still love each other and miss each other terribly.
I’ve never smoked or drank in my entire life, but I do now. I’m 37.
What happened to me? Am I cracking up? I feel like I’ve lost everything yet gained a lot too.
Someone please explain this to me. There’s no one I feel comfortable talking to about this in RL

Wow that was long. Well done if you made it to the end

Sounds like you are finally seeing things clearly and have the confidence you should have had years ago

Talk it through with someone, preferably a trained counsellor. Sounds like you've been through a very turbulent time and need to think about who you really are and what parts of your past you want to move on from.

I’m worried that the fog is lifting now and I’m going to realise I’ve made a huge mistake and lost everything I ever wanted. If that does happen, I know I’ll fall apart. I’m trying to brush away anything like this as I don’t want to end up back at square one with the anxiety/depression again

It sounds like delated adolescence, maybe that's what midlife crises are!

If you hadn't mentioned smoking and drinking, I'd say crack on but both of those alter one's mood more than people think so I'd say go and talk to a counsellor.

I'm not saying you've 'cracked up' or 'gone mad', just that mental health is not to be taken for granted.

Congratulations on your new found confidence, you should feel very proud of it

Is delayed adolescence a real thing??

Sounds like your DP was never much good but you put up with it.

It’s really good that the relationship is over. Will be easier to move on if you minimise contact with your ex to matters concerning the DC and practicalities. He is unlikely to treat you well long term if you continue a sexual relationship.

Ans great that you have a good job. Focus on your work, earnings and pension! And social life.

Chuck in the smoking and cut back on booze.

IMO the poor decisions were staying with your DP and (if you weren’t married) SAH, in a vulnerable financial situation. Not the tattoos etc! The emotional affair with OM was a crappy idea but at least helped you get out of your relationship.

Sorry, did you say you stopped the job? Are you working now? If not, seek a great new job!

Pack in the smoking. How much are you drinking? How is it affecting your life?

It sounds to me like you've undergone a period of pretty intense personal growth and change, and experimentation. The vast majority of it sounds really positive.

It sounds a bit like your sense of identity has, in the past, been anchored to other people's influence on your life. Now you're acting on your own terms - maybe for the first time? It must be exhilarating/a bit scary.

Even positive change involves letting go of things and it's normal to feel ambivalent about it. (Mild example: people who do a full Marie Kondo declutter and love the new space and tidiness but can't quite help feeling a bit of a twinge about the things they get rid of).

A few sessions with a counsellor might help you get your head straight/reflect on what's been going on.

I can relate to where you are at, in a similar situation myself. Don't know about delayed adolescence? The question I ask myself is what do I miss... the life I actually had or the one I wanted. If you had the life you wanted I don't think you would have wondered from that path. You're probably now morning the potential that wasn't fulfilled. Soul searching is so hard :(

I’m worried that the fog is lifting now and I’m going to realise I’ve made a huge mistake

Is that what your ex told you?

I don't think you will. I can't see anything in your OP about how great things used to be.

You say you had anxiety for a long term. It sounds like you've made incredible progress, but perhaps it's not surprising that you're second-guessing yourself a bit.

I wonder if you're just catching up on all you missed out on due to your anxiety?
Its great you have this new found confidence.
Just be careful . Don't take too many risks , keep yourself safe iykwim. Drink moderately and keep your senses . Try to quit the smoking if you can, it's not good for your health going forward .
Counselling, as another pp mentioned, would be helpful I'd say . It will help you deal with your emotions and channel them in the right direction.
Best of luck.

It strikes me that you're getting better. This might not be the path that you expected would lead you to that, but it will get you there. I know you didn't say this as such, but I know how it feels to be a bit suspicious of waiting for the next 'strike', of anxiety, self doubt, whatever big cannonball might land, when you sense it has been a while since there's been one.
I think, delayed adolescence or no, a point when you realise you are definitely walking in mature/grown up territory is when you dare to break your own heart, and then find the way to survive that, and know you can even if not exactly how you can, day to day.
I don't know why your post made me think of this, but somehow it reminded me of the point at Christmas where all the presents have just been opened and the contents are revealed, but there is still wrapping paper everywhere. Part of you thinks 'Blimey, what a mess, what to do...', but in fact it's still kind of all part of the whole, and not completely unwelcome.
You sound lovely, I wish I was a colleague of yours. Don't give up and do think the best of yourself.

Ooh yeh, whatever it is it sounds liberating! Life is painful and messy OP and you are truly embracing that even though it's bloody scary. If it feels too overwhelming then it might perhaps help to vent to a counsellor, but otherwise, give yourself a break, you have allowed yourself to live and yes your old patterns of anxiety are still there trying to take a hold but you have experienced life on 'the outside' now, and there is no going back. You may well need to look at how you support yourself though so you don't slide, but for now just be exceptionally kind to yourself and go easy on yourself.

Also it seemed to me that the fog had lifted, and now perhaps it's looking to make a re-entrance.

Wow. Thank you so much for all your replies. I didn’t expect them to be so positive.
I don’t know what has happened/is happening to me, but I don’t feel like I have much control of any of it.
I can’t decide if I prefer the new version of myself or if I prefer the ‘happy to stay at home’ me?
I’m struggling to decipher my feelings.
I think a counsellor might be a good idea. But I’m scared to open that particular van of worms, for fear of what I might find.

Presumably you can’t afford to stay at home, so that bit is straightforward.

And your wrangling with the idea of getting back with your ex - posters have advised against that!

If there is stuff in your past you don’t want to open up, counselling may or may not get into that, depending on what you choose and whether you pay for it! Eg if NHS it’s likely to be a fixed number of sessions focusing on current challenges/tools to help you.