Introverts with children - how do you cope?

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

If you’re an introvert how do you manage the lack of quiet time that comes with having children?

I find it rather hard at times and would love some better coping strategies!

Just to add too - for my child’s first year, I thought there was something wrong with me that I felt so relieved when my mum would take him for an hour and I got a break. I was delighted to Go back to work when he was 10 Months. My friend who was returning off mat leave at the same time was so devastated and missed her LO so much during the work day, that I mustn’t be as good a mum. But then after talking to another introvert friend who is an amazing mum, she just completely understood my need for alone time and how sometimes you just get touched out. So I came to terms with it, and just try to structure my life as best I can to allow for some me time

Being an introvert is hard in a world where you are expected to be extrovert as the norm. Responding to people is like acting a part you don't want in a play you didn't chose. Crowds and parties = exhausting. I used to go and hide under the mound of coats in the bedroom and fall asleep - exit stage left!

Have you seen the book Quiet The power of introverts?

nicevase - ask her what she would like, does she want to be more confident or are you assuming things for her? All for life skills, but try not to make her into a person she isn't cut out to be. Try to meet her on middle ground - how old is she?

Having a baby who cried a lot (colic for 4 or 5 months) and never slept, then a clingy toddler made me wild with rage at times - I used to go for a good stomp so i could come back smiling..baths, books.
Used to think it was because I had a child quite late and had become very selfish. Now I think it was more like self preservation! We do need to remain sane.

I joined a writing group for grown up conversation and monthly pub trip. Other writers often had introvert sides to their character, so felt at ease.

Introverts don't hate other people, maybe we just have a low tolerance for what we perceive sometimes as noisy and slightly grating company.

I feel most myself interacting 1:1, never enjoyed group interaction as much even as child. Too many aspects of the social game to keep track of.

Now I have CFS and the energy social interaction requires is very very obvious to me when poorly. Even watching people doing social banter (a lot of which is kind of a social show, not true feelings) makes me feel like hiding under a desk with tiredness. Social stuff takes a lot of brain energy - you are watching, anticipating, fending off, putting in your idea/opinion, responding to non verbal signals, faces.

Flip side is that we tend to very much enjoy our own company which is quite nice really. Some extroverts cant bear it and seem to prefer someone, anyone, being there with them - even if unhealthy relationship/group - rather than being happy by themselves. We are all different.

I make myself socialise as am aware could get rather isolated if not, and do always feel enriched by friends of various natures

@oohnicevase - I agree, my eldest is Autistic and when we were going through assessment and diagnosis I recognised a lot of his attributed traits in myself. It's hard to distinguish what is personality and what is a side effect.

For me, I find it hard to integrate within large groups - I get anxious and overwhelmed at times and I struggle to get involved in discussions when I'm having an off day. Being hugged by anyone other than my immediate family freaks me out. I much prefer my own company and space.

I seem to be hyper sensitive to noise and find the most simple things stressful because of it - although I do like socialising too. It's hard to describe but i just need to do things of my own accord.

My DS struggles in other things too though especially expressing and processing these thoughts and emotions which is why he has a diagnosis. I've often wondered if I'm closer to the "line" than I think despite functioning "normally" 90% of the time.

I'm not sure I do - I get no time at all. It's constant. But I have no choice but to get on with it. I do tend to eat chocolate and surf the web at 2 or 3 am when everyone is asleep...

@oohnicevase I can only give you my own perspective. I don't like to be the centre of attention so I would rather listen than speak. I find my closest friendships are with people who love to talk which I enjoy. Reading is my favourite thing to do but I don't get much chance at the moment. I am very sociable and love seeing my friends but I'm not good in social situations where I'm with people I don't know as well, I will tend to try to duck out. I am rubbish at imaginative play with my daughter and she's noticed!

I only have one and work part time (about 20 hours a week)

I still do 90% of school runs and bed times and 100% of holiday childcare but I honestly don't think I could cope with more than one, or with working full time (unless it was a reasonably solitary job which mine is most definitely not)

Otherwise strict and quite early bedtime, and getting up an hour before everyone else for a cup of coffee in silence keeps me sane.

I take my lunch break in work alone as much as possible too

oohnicevase go and look up Susan Cain ‘Quiet’ book - hugely insightful on introverts and why the world is set up for extroverts and DP introversion is seem as a problem not just a personality type.

She’s on quite a few podcasts too and I’m sure there’s one by her on parenting an introverted child. A phrase that stuck with me was that an introvert child just needs a longer runway before they can jump into social situations- be patient and give them that longer runway.

Basically though, introverts need alone time to recharge (enjoy parties when there but find them draining of energy) whereas extroverts need people time to recharge (and find being alone too long challenging).

I'm in an introverted extrovert. That's a thing right? I am very sociable in the day to day. People think I'm really out there. My true friends know I need LOTS of alone time though. I am a full time nanny to 6 children I go to groups I socialise with other mums and nannies and LOTS of children! I enjoy a chat but I don't want to do endless play dates and be around lots of people during the youngest ones nap. That saves my sanity! Some people seem to want to fill every day with conversation or be around others and don't understand how I don't.

I don't think I could have children of my own I honestly don't, because I like to come home and have that quiet and only worry about myself! I have a partner but we don't live together and I don't think I could even live with someone else. I get so mentally stressed when I've had no down time just by myself. If I had to come home and speak to someone every single night I honestly think I'd go mad!!

I wonder how introverted people live with other people more than I wonder how they cope with kids!

www.quietrev.com/ted-talk/

I work compressed ft hours with a 3yo and 6yo. DH and I are both introverted (although I think I present as quite extroverted I really really need alone time and find people quite draining).

Strategies: exercise for us both (running and a class for me, 2x football a week for DH). We arranged our day so we both get one commute on our own, and I also do walking from station to work.
I also travel for work every couple of months and this means that I get 4 or 5 blissful child free days (although it can be quite full on with work stuff) and a 5 or 6 hour flight each way.
I probably stay up too late!
DCs get a bit more cbeebies than ideal as well.
Sometimes we take a day off while they are at school or childcare for peace and quiet.

It's tough. I often want to hide in the bathroom.

Interesting question! Although I'm quite a soft parent I've always been very strict about bedtimes. Once they're in bed I insist on having a couple of hours quiet time to myself. Obviously this comes at the expense of time with my husband and it's a bit of an issue. We make sure we have quality time at other times. If I didn't have this time alone each day I don't know how I'd cope! We've just had half term and my in laws were here to stay for 9 days. The fact that I had the kids, the in laws and my DH around me 24/7 was extremely challenging. I felt mentally exhausted and shakey by the end of it.

Thank you @KisstheTeapot14 she is 16 , very bright but awkward and gets overwhelmed in any social situations .. I jsit want to try and understand her and help her as much as I can . I worry she won't cope with college or uni as she find it hard to make new friends .

Bedtimes here too (DD is just two). I am also trying to encourage independent play and I do sometimes say "Mum needs to do a bit of cooking in the kitchen, and I need some quiet, you go play" and I point her to her toys and books. She seems to be taking it in because when I'm on the phone she'll say "Shh, bunny wants quiet" .

Split with DH which means I get major time off from DC. Sound terrible when said aloud but I don't mind I know I'm a better parent post split with time to recharge. That, and a solitary job! You need to carve time out for yourself though. Prioritise it above other stuff...otherwise you'll burn out.

Luckily my DC play well on their own too. Means I can hide in my bedroom or kitchen and mini recharge. I totally recommend training them not to need constant input. I notice all their best and most imaginative games are spawned from benign neglect too 😆 so I don't feel like I'm doing them a disservice not being totally present and involved at all times. I also loved soft play when they were little...headphones in, podcast on and gave me some headspace while they thought they were having an amazing treat 😆

Give them £20 and send them round the shops

@cantstandmLMs - we’re very similar. I work in a busy open office, I’m confident and happy to present to groups/large audiences and I’m the office idiot in terms of being the joker.

But my need for silence and some time alone is as necessary as oxygen. People always portray introverts as quiet and shy. It’s not that at all. It’s finding our strength and recharge of batteries. I look forward to an afternoon off, on my own as much as extroverts look forward to using that afternoon to meet friends in a busy shopping centre.

As the OP has raised, its quite difficult being a parent as you obviously can’t decline your child’s need to be near you, interact with you and generally extend your time being involved in the noisy world. I’m a crap friend because if I get a free few hours I don’t tell anyone, just hug the anticipation of me and my dog snuggled up reading or playing a game online.

@Bunnyfuller Oooh we are very similar I am the "class clown" so to speak in all my social circles and all my work environments. I do love the banter and genuinely enjoy the people I get on with!!

Same with time off though I try and keep it to myself when I can so I can be alone and enjoy that time. Love a bubble bath and a read! I know a lot of people don't like being alone, will fill up free time with coffee and get togethers. I will spend SOME time doing that and enjoy it but if it's one day off...I'm likely gonna have a me day!

I have gone on a few holidays with friends and I've had a great time but one evening I will say I'm staying in on a night they decide to go for dinner or out drinking...my best friend accepts this without any problem as she knows I need that re-charge and I'm absolutely fine!

Like you say, it's essential as oxygen.