How do you get through the early years?

[fireandvenus]

Just as the title says really. How did you and your DH/partner get through the early years of your children's lives with your relationship intact (if you did?)

I'm a SAHM, DH works full time and is out of the house 7-7 Monday to Friday. Initially I was a SAHM completely by choice but recently I've missed working just due to our circumstances I think . However I can't return to work regardless because my eldest child has (diagnosed) ASD and cannot cope with even the free 15 hours she gets in childcare at the moment let alone anything more. Plus, I feel like I owe my youngest the same 'mum time' that my eldest had once she starts school and I'm actually looking forward to us having that together from next September. I also need to retrain before I even think about working again as I'm out of date with my previous career anyway. Which I have no time to do.

We have two young children. Eldest is 3.5 and youngest is 14m. Youngest is pretty much a breeze generally, except her sleep is currently pretty terrible (wakes frequently at night and starts the day at 5am!). However I'm confident it's teething related - thanks early molars!- and will pass, eventually. It's not bad habits or lack of routine etc. Been going on for about 8 weeks now though so we are very tired.

Eldest is challenging and has been since the moment I started labouring with her, the pest. Adorable, lovely but darn hard work. She's had various non life threatening but still worrying and challenging medical conditions on and off all her life. I've always needed to keep a very strict routine with her, one because of medication/feeding issues and evidently it helped with her ASD before we even knew that she had it.

The effects of her ASD mean that she finds mixing with her peers extremely difficult, she's very sensitive to noise, has sensory issues. She's massively advanced in lots of ways, she converses like an adult, reads simple words, writes simple words, can add up, memorises absolutely everything perfectly. 1-1 at home she's a joy to be with, except if things go 'wrong' and something sets her off on one. But her social side is just, well, as you'd expect. I cannot even meet or have a friend over for coffee if the eldest is around because she will literally not leave me to have a conversation without being directly involved or requiring 1-1 attention from an adult. If there's other children there, where maybe you'd expect she'd play, she cannot cope currently.

DH and I are floundering. Not deliberately. But life is tough at the moment and we just are struggling to be on the same page a lot of the time. We're comfortable on his wage financially though I appreciate supporting a family is a large responsibility to bear.

He's out all week at work - fine. He also does sports training one evening a week (when the children are in bed, luckily they both go to bed easily and at a reasonable time) and plays once a week on a weekend afternoon. I've never wanted him to stop this, it's good for his health and MH too but I would like him to drop one weekend a month to give me more of a hand. He'd previously agreed to this but now has changed his mind. He doesn't want to. He also goes out maybe once every three months for a whole weekend with another hobby. It's irregular so I don't have an issue with that, although he thinks I do.

When we spend time together all of us I'm finding we struggle. He always wants to get things done because he gets frustrated at things not getting done at home but these are things that I literally do not have time to keep on top of. The children want to play with him, I want us to have some family time, try to go places, have a bit of life. We have a fairly large home and generally I manage to keep on top of all the housework, shopping, cooking, life admin, hospital appts for DD etc but things like doing a thorough deep clean upstairs every week I just don't have time to do. He's had a massive moan at me before leaving for work today because he'd asked me to call our broadband supplier to negotiate a new deal because our contract is up and I haven't got to it yet.

I suggested perhaps getting a cleaner to come in once a fortnight for a couple of hours to do the bits I don't get to, which we could afford, thereby freeing us up at the weekends. No. We 'should' be able to manage ourselves with me at home apparently, cleaners are for homes where both parents work.

He keeps saying I need to have a hobby myself. All well and good, but there is no time! Join a gym he says, or do something else. Yes I could, but when would I go? I have the children all week, I'm exhausted in the evenings having started my day at 5am and am usually in bed by 8:30pm once we've eaten. Saturdays are out because of his sport, and I have my one little lie in (until 8am) of the week that day and that only leaves Sundays. So I'd maybe get to go once a week and if it was something organised it would have to run on that day. Not much runs in a Sunday.

I do have a night out with friends maybe every three months but all of my friends have young families too so we don't get to it very often. I can't socialise in the week, because of how DD is and the few hours she's at playgroup a week currently I'm at home with baby catching up on everything else I need to do while she naps. I usually have time to grab some breakfast and a coffee and fart around looking at MN for half an hour three days a week before I need to crack on.

He is starting to 'get it' with DD I think. A family member of his visited us last week when he was off work for half term and he saw for himself what it is like when someone comes and said to me 'is that always what she's like for you?' Yes! So the penny is starting to drop I think.

We have been making sure we have a 'date night' (cringe at the phrase) once every six weeks or so where we go out for dinner etc as luckily we have grandparents willing to babysit once the children are in bed. But he wants to go away for a weekend like all his friends do. We just can't. He doesn't get that it's not fair on the grandparents to expect them to have both children for a whole weekend when 1) the baby doesn't sleep and 2) DD is so challenging.

I few like we're just in a tough stage of life where things will get easier as they grow and we just need to ride it out but in order to do so we need to make some changes to make life as easy as possible in the interim. All hands on deck in the short term, if you will. If we need a cleaner for a bit, so be it. If I take a shortcut with meals (buying fresh mash for example rather than making my own) because it gives me more time, who cares? (Clue, not me). If he needs to drop just one weekend a month of his hobby, then he should. I have literally sacrificed my career (through my own choice), my social life, any 'me' time that I have in order to keep this family on a semi-even keel. I have nothing more to give. He seems to just wants life to carry on as normal.

How do we navigate this and survive?

It's sooo hard, I do feel for you.

I'm having conversations with my DH about going back to work more so we can both go part time and share the childcare. Could this work for you? At least then you both have appreciation for the work you're doing, and opportunity to both have a career.

Do you do enjoyable things as a family? Days out to enjoy each other.

It's good that you have GPs to watch the kids at night but do go out during the day too! I find dinner/drinks out don't allow for the same experience as daytime activity always. It's good just to feel normal together rather than putting pressure on an evening out (if that makes sense?!)

I think if you can't get away for hobbies, it's not unreasonable for your DH to stop his weekend hobby.

You need to get a cleaner! Definitely do this weekly if you can afford it. It's completely unreasonable for you to manage both children and to keep on top of the house IMO.

Re your social life- are there any support groups for children with additional needs locally? You could call your HV team and ask. You need to connect with peers who are going through a similar thing for your sanity.

Basically all the suggestions you have in mind sound great for making life easier. Your husband needs to get on board though before you have a breakdown

Ooh, been there, though my DH never complained about housework. He did go away for weeks on end though, when the DCs were small. I made all the decisions and dealt with everything for years and it was tough never having time off from the responsibility. He missed birthdays, almost every parents evening, school shows, concerts, the lot. We did survive it but it was very difficult at times. Not being able to have a friend round for coffee would have made things intolerable for me.

In my experience people don't realise how hard being a SAHP is unless they try it. Can you go away for a weekend with friends and leave DH in charge? It might be a way of getting him to understand why you need a cleaner. (You do).

You're doing a classic 'mum' thing of putting everyone else's needs first. DH is suggesting you get a regular hobby - I think I'd bite his hand off. Find a regular class in something you like (art, yoga, scuba diving, adult ballet, whatever) on the afternoon of the weekend day he doesn't use for his hobby. Go for a coffee afterwards. Do that for a few months. I know you'd lose your weekend day for family activities but it would probably be worth it in the long run because DH would get more of a taste of your life. (I couldn't do that because of my DH work patterns but I found other ways of managing. Until they were 10 my kids thought going to bed early was a special treat because I'd said it was. Also joined a local zoo and took them whenever I felt ill/exhausted because knowing the layout so well meant the visit was relaxing for me).

Honestly, I have no idea how you do it. We have coped/are currently coping (DSs are 3 and 7) because I went back to work FT (earning more than DH but not by a lot) and by having gold plated childcare. Yes, it’s chaos but there’s less chance of resentment, for us anyway.

Us both working part time isn't an option. I was in a decently paying career pre children but as I said I'm out of date (and I would need to be brought back up to speed meaning training courses etc in order to work in that field) so that's not an option so if I worked it'd be something that wasn't very well paid. It'd be me taking an admin job etc. DH earns really good money, so I'd never make up what we lost with him dropping hours. I bet even if I could he'd never consider it anyway.

To his credit, prior to having children he always said he'd love to be a SAHP but he always earned considerably more than me so it was never on the table. Plus I wanted to be home when the children were small. Post children he fully admits there's not a chance in hell he'd cope with it, or actually want to do it. So he does appreciate it's no walk in the park.

It sounds like it's very tough for you. I really think it could be worth you prioritising yourself and doing a class in something which interests you, or joining a gym, going for a swim then a coffee solo, whatever it is that appeals to you. Being a SAHP is relentless as there's no break.

If you can afford a cleaner then I would, it doesn't have to be forever but it might give you more breathing space.

As a longer term solution, can you downsize or move to a lower maintenance property? We've just done this and whilst the move was stressful, it's paid off already as we don't lose so much time to housework and fixing an old house. Even silly things like we are in a flat so it's quicker to hoover as no stairs. We also did a huge declutter which helped.

Would you like to work, taking out money and guilt around dc2 not getting you as much?

I'm at sahm, have 3 children aged 9,7&4. Dh works 7.30am - 6pm and is trying to make director at work so late nights (getting in at midnight)/early starts a few times a month. My eldest and youngest both have autism, eldest not to bad, but 4yr old is very hard work. Dont really have advice, but what works for us is dh would never dream of commenting on the state of the house/what I have or haven't done or anything to do with house/kids. I generally keep on top of housework etc (check out the organised mum method). However, anything to do with utilities dh deals with it, if he wants to go to the gym he does it on his lunch break. If he wants to go out with friends in the evening he does it once the kids are in bed. He will also take all 3 children out at the weekend to give me a break. I've made it very clear that I can not, nor should I have to, do everything. If he doesnt like it he knows where the door is!!

The early years are tough, but things do get better. From reading your post it sounds like you are doing everything under the heading of Children/Home and your DH isn't really engaging in family life.

While it's great that parents have hobbies, time away from the home etc it sounds like he's just away too much. Essentially he's only in a 'family' at weekends and even then he can be away or playing sport.
I think he has a cheek to comment on the state of the house or whether a cleaner is a good idea when he's so rarely there.

I'd go ahead (if money allows) with a cleaner/sending out ironing or anything that makes your life easier. I wouldn't even get into a debate - just do it.

I'd also look at support from other parents in your area with SEN children - see if there are any groups that you could socialise with.

He doesn't exactly moan constantly about the housework. If he came in daily commenting that things weren't done I'd tell him to fuck off quite frankly. And day to day stuff is done.

It's more when we get to a weekend and I suggest a trip to a park or somewhere else he'll start on about how he needs to go and sort out the spare bedroom because it's a tip, or deep clean the bathroom because the shower is starting to get black bits on the silicone and the glass is watermarked and getting a bit of limescale on it (this happens really quickly we're in a very hard water area).

I'm making him sound like he's not hands on with the children and that's not fair, he is. When he's here he does everything with them that I do and they love spending time with him. I've been sending him over to his parents with them on a Sunday at the weekend every few weeks 1) to get a couple of hours of peace and bloody quiet for once and 2) so I can get a load of jobs done. He says he's happy to stay home and clean/do jobs or take the girls, it's up to me, but tbh I always end up staying home because I utterly crave being alone sometimes and this way, I get that a bit.