So I posted the other night because I was terrified of being sectioned. I went to the Gp to get a referral for a private appointment to see a psychiatrist, and because I paid over the phone I got to see him yesterday (5th) which to me is frankly ridiculous as it's a 22 week wait for an nhs appointment which hurts me a lot! But that's by the by..
The psychiatrist thinks I may have PTSD and I think I agree. When my dad died I was 12 and my granny took me aside on the day he passed away and said ‘don’t cry in front of your mum, she needs you to be strong not weak’ and I know she meant well but it totally stopped me grieving for him. I remember going into the toilet to cry alone so I didn't upset my mum which is frankly awful. I known when she found out she went absolutely insane at my granny and they didn't speak for a few years.. but now 16 years later I’m a mess and compounded with not being able to have children it feels like his legacy is over.
But also I’m having flash backs to the day he died. I was in Asda the other day and someone sprayed an air freshener in the candle aisle and I had to leave as I remembered it as being outside my parents bedroom on the day he died.
I’m so weird. This happened 16 years ago. Why is it affecting me now? Is this normal? He's suggested EMDR treatment at £300 a pop.. but if it stops the flash backs to the day he died and suicidal ideation then I'll do anything. But really? 16 years later this is causing me issues?