Need help growing a back bone.

[Cauliflowerhead]

I’ve gone back to work after a very long time off raising the kids. I’ve started at my husbands office although on a different floor. My entire career pre kids was in training, multi dimensional and physical now I’m sat staring at a pc. I’m not gonna lie I’ve struggled to retain info and learn to navigate round the pc and the computer format we use.

The ‘lad’ who is training me (mid 20s) is apparently very good at his job. He is the only one with his role that’s why I’m shadowing him Incase back up is needed. He is shit at training me though. He huffs and puffs and mopes around the office and acts like the weight of the world is on his shoulders yet won’t actually show me how to do anything proper. He isn’t rushed of his feet but likes to act like he is. Complains about people asking him questions yet doesn’t tell them to ask their line manager first.

I’ve also realised he has quite a dislike for my husband - his boss, through snidey comments that’s popped out in the past couple of days.

This afternoon after I was allowed to do a tiny piece of work he made a big song and dance about it ‘all being fucked up’, wouldn’t let me in to the account to actually see what was up. I had to walk to his pc to see what was up. A reference number has been duplicated. Said he would have to do it all again. Said he was ‘terrified’ it was really awkward and I left early under the guise of picking dd up from nursery

The first time he did this ( yesterday) he wouldn’t let me in the account - actually told me to close it down) couldn’t explain what had happened and rectified it before I could see it also.

If I’m fucking up, I need to be shown what I’ve actually done. So I don’t do it again. I double checked that work so I’m really surprised if I have messed up. I haven’t actually seen any proof Ive have messed up.

It’s really knocking my confidence and I dont want to go wingeing to my Dh as I’m a grown woman and should actually be able to deal with him myself and I want to fit my own sanity! but I think because I’ve been out of the work place for so long I’ve kind of cajoled him and tried to cheer him up because he is a miserable twat and I think he has just got to familiar with me now.

How do I pull this back tomorrow?

Act like you’re his boss. Sit him down in the morning and explain, in firm tones, that in order for this to work, you need him to actually show you, step-by-step, what to do, and if he feels there is an issue he needs to show you before he changes anything, in order for you to learn. Suggest that if he feels he is not able to train someone, he raises that issue with his line manager, so they can help him address the problem. And then smile sweetly. And maybe do a head tilt.

Jonty I know. I hate confrontation but I know I need to bite the bullet. It’s my own fault for being to friendly 😬

When you are back into working are you going to change jobs? Working with DH is not a good idea.

Blue we are on different floors and rarely see each other.

Why are you letting this guy have so much power? He’s apparently very good at his job, that’s great, but that doesn’t give him licence to act like a dick.
Give yourself a pep talk on the way in tomorrow. You’ve done an amazing job raising kids which is bloody hard work. You had a full career before that, and you were competent and confident and dealt with adults every single day. Hold your head high and look him in the eye, pretend to be confident even if you’re not. You’re learning the ropes, that doesn’t equate to being a pushover.
Every time you need something, ask quickly and politely. If he says no, reiterate and move round to his pc to look at what he’s doing. Don't make a fuss about it, just act like you’re both busy and getting on with the job, and asking questions is a standard part. Because it is! No drama, just ask. NEVER apologise for asking.
When he huffs and puffs, ignore him or say something non-committal.
If you’re struggling to retain info, make notes. That’s legit and professional.
You got this, don’t let this guy make you feel less-than!

Mothermia thanks I needed that! I’ve give my head a wobble and going to nip this in the bud tomorrow.

Dh came home and asked me how my day was and said trainer lad had casually mentioned it. He was just covering his arse!

I’ve told Dh not to say a word and let me deal with it. I need to for my own self esteem the kids have battered out of me!

Sounds like you need to be taking a copy of everything you send out to this guy and keep it where he can’t access it - in case he is saying you’ve made a mistake and actually just tweaking stuff... even if you have to find the issues report and go through it to find changes so you can say that as he isn’t supporting you, you need to find this stuff yourself to learn from mistakes.

Plus leave an email trail asking for instruction or clarification or details of changes he has made etc etc so you can sjow you are proactively trying to improve and he is thwarting you from doing that...

wibdib I will be taking a screen shot of work of completed. Email trail is a good idea and I know he will cotton on immediately if I do that. I think he thinks he is indispensable.

He knows he crossed the mark yesterday as he mentioned it to my Dh in passing. He can cut it with the language also.

Also point out to HR or a manager or someone in charge that your 'trainer' may need a refresher course in training. Just because someone is good at something doesn't mean they have the skills to pass their knowledge on. Being asked to train someone in something you do as second nature can be very very hard.

Maybe you could ask him which way he finds it easier to train? To show you, to tell you, to let you do something and then correct it? Because he may not have a clue HOW to teach someone!

Just an update!

This morning I spoke to the guy I’m shadowing and asked him that going forward if there is anything odd or seems not right to just show me first before he rectifies it. He didn’t even look up from his pc and just ‘hmm and nodded’ - massive fail on my part.

Then a director came in who he is directly under so I sat with him while we went through some reviews that hadn’t been done. He asked me to review all the cases since trainee guy came in as none had been done. Any way I inadvertently uncovered several actions he hadn’t completed or has evidence for.

When the directer left the room he ‘jokingly’ called me the ‘office rat’ when I said ‘what? He replied ‘the office snitch’

I was stunned and didn’t know what to reply back. The directer came back in and started discussing something else.

Honestly I’m not this much a wimp in other aspects of my life. No one has ever called me rat either. Pre kids he may have got a smack in the mouth.

He is a misogynistic little shit and I think he just disrespects women in general so I’m actually debating with going in guns blazing tomorrow or just telling Dh to tell him to back the fuck off.

He's walking all over you because of your DH. Tell him if he calls you a rat again he'll be up at HR before his feet touch the ground. He's a bully plain and simple. Smile sweetly and look him straight in the eye and tell him his time is coming......

He's being a twat because he had a cushy number with nobody bothering him before, and he's worried he'll be found out as shitter than he says he is.

I'd be asking him who the fuck he thinks hes talking to!

apparently very good at his job

Says who? I suspect that perhaps he isn't good at his job at all and he's got this far by bullshitting his way through everything and covering up mistakes. As you said, nobody else does the job, so up until now, nobody else has been keeping an eye on him, have they? And now he feels threatened, which is why he is being unpleasant to you.

Morning thanks for your posts. I agree with them all. No one has monitored him, he was embarrassed yesterday. He is an immature little prick and I’m going to have him this morning. I’m properly pissed off with myself I didn’t respond when he said it. My brain just isn’t sharp at the moment!