My estranged DM has died, and I'm actually really sad and don't know what to do.

[OfMe]

So it wasn't like I chose to be NC because she was a cunt, although she certainly became manipulative. She was an alcoholic. She left my dad and I when I was six, and I saw her on and off until I was 12, as the courts unusually gave my dad full custody.
She had a baby with another father around that time, who was born with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, two holes in his heart, and a cleft palate. When the baby was 1, she'd discovered the father was cheating on her, and he'd half-strangled her, leaving her unconscious. She then took an overdose and drank enough that she lost her memory (which was probably already damaged. When I went to visit her in hospital, she couldn't remember me, so I decided to go NC.
She had another partner, who adored her, and stood by her through all of this.
When I started music college, my Uncle (who was her legal guardian by then) asked if I wanted to get back in contact. Thinking I would be strong enough, I said yes, but of course, it was disastrous. She was even worse, and would get lost on her way to see me, but didn't want me to see where she lived. After a few visits and meetups, it was clear to me that if I continued to try and help her, it would destroy my life, and my relationship with my Dad, stepmum and my DP at the time.
Twenty years on, I've always thought that she at least would have my Uncle looking out for her. In 2010, the Police appeared out of the blue to question me and my dad about her. The caravan she had moved into with her DP had caught fire, and sadly, her DP had suffered lots of burns and had died, so they were investigating the cause of the fire. They thought that it might have been developers trying to get their hands on the land his caravan was on, as he owned the land. Obviously we didn't know anything, but shortly afterwards, my Aunt (Uncle's wife) told us that she'd seen where my mum was living and she had a supported living flat near some shops.
That was the last I heard until Saturday, when an heir hunting company visited out of the blue to tell me that she'd died in 2012, of lung cancer. I'm so sad that I never got the chance to tell her that she had four wonderful grandchildren, that I had found a wonderful DH, and was going to start a degree that year.
I'm also so angry that my Uncle left her to die alone - he must have done to have not told me in the last seven years that she'd died - he must not have known himself, which means he hasn't contacted her or her council since just after the fire.
There is, of course, not a huge amount left from her DP's estate to pass on to me (or possible me and my half-brother, depending on whether he was formally adopted or not) but I'm not bothered about the amount if it means I get to perhaps meet my half-brother again, who I loved very much.
But the fact that she's died is not really a shock, as I've been expecting the call for twenty years, it's just that she ended up dying in hospital alone, and I'm much more affected by it that I thought I was going to be. I thought I had dealt with all of this years ago, but it's still so upsetting. I've tried to carry on as normal, but it's been very tough, especially when DH is at work and the DCs are at school. I can't think about anything else, can't concentrate on work stuff, and all I've been able to do is clean and declutter - my kitchen has never been this organised! Aside from going out every day, how can I get back on track? DD kindly said I shoudl take the time to mourn, but even that feels wrong. I'm stuck in an 'I shouldn't care but I do' phase. Any advice? (Sorry for the ramble.)

Aw bless you, what a sad place to be and rightly so. She doesn't sound the best mum but still she was your mum and you only get one. I've also lost my mum and I would say ride the wave of grief, there's no right or wrong way to do it and do what feels right for you. Also, it's always very sad to hear someone has died alone. I hope she's at peace now and I always think people know. She'll know about her lovely grandchildren and how you've turned out nice.

Find a counsellor to talk all this through with. It sounds awful and I'm not surprised you're affected by it even now. You've got to mourn all the things your mum did as well as your mum herself.

Op I don't know what to say. Your dm must have had issues to drink and it was a disease she couldn't fight.
Of course as a child you had to be protected from extreme behaviour like this.
I don't know if it's any comfort but even when we know and love a parent, and they die suddenly we can't tell them what we wants too, or mums who die young and never know their gc.

It's of course never ever easy.
With one dp I was there holding hand until the end but there are still niggling things I feel... What I could have said, another thing I could have done.

Be kind to yourself, everyone will feel what you feel but be pragmatic. You dealt well with the hand you were dished out at birth.
Your mum was very ill...
Be kind to yourself op and if you can get bereavement councilor. Xxxxx

What a difficult story.

You'll probably need some help processing this, more so than if you'd had a close relationship. You'll grieve the loss of the mum she should have been and therefore the loss of the daughter you could have been.

Try not to be too angry with your uncle- he probably had the same problems you did, and after a while simply couldn't sustain the relationship- and didn't want to remind you about something you presumably weren't asking about.

I think he assumed that once I was an adult, and he'd made that reintroduction, that she became my responsibility, but it was only ever implied and not stated. Mind you, had he said he didn't want to be her legal guardian any more, I doubt that would have prompted me to get in contact, as in 2012 I was bed-bound with a chronic illness and DH and I were struggling with life and 4 dcs as it was. I just think if someone had rung me back then to say she was dying, then I would have gone up to see her. I think I just have to concentrate on the fact that I might get to see my half-brother again, or at least find out what might have happened to him. I hope that he had a good and happy life with an adoptive family, but I'm quite anxious that he might have passed as well, though.

My estranged father died just over a year ago. I saw him once in 20 years. He knew nothing about my life. When I got the call that he'd died, I felt nothing but numbness and sadness for the relationship we never had. That I felt I was owed. A year on, it's a relief; I'm pleased I can finally say that he's dead. I don't feel guilt or sadness at the mention of him if people ask about him such as why did your brother walk you don't the aisle. It will get easier, I promise.

Im sorry to hear you are in a bad place right now. Maybe be a bit gentle with yourself .She is still your Mum ,and you will grieve for her ,and the relationship you could have had with her had things been different .Cruse do free counselling for bereaved people, and you can talk to them when ever you feel ready.Also Samaritans are avaliable 24/7 for a chat too .Maybe seek your Uncle out, but dont be cross with him, he probably did his best in some very difficult circumstances .Perhaps if you have a little money from the estate to buy something to remind you of her ,maybe some jewellery or you could plant a tree in rememberance to her .Also try to get plenty of sleep as you will feel tired and drained ,eat well and dont rush thinking you "should be getting over it" it will take time and everyone is different .

Oh crikey, that's quite a shock.

There is a podcast called Griefcast by Cariad Lloyd where comedians talk about death and grief. I have found it very helpful. Episode 84 is an interview with Sali Hughes who was estranged from her mother. It might be worth a listen.

OfMe, I'm sorry that you're upset, it's nomal to be upset and I understand how you feel. My gambler father - abusive and estranged for 20 years - died in September. None of my siblings were in touch with him and not he with them either.

I had that pang of guilt, misplaced as it was, it was there.

I think that whilst it's understandable that you're looking at your uncle's place in this but, in fairness to him, he did broker your relationship with your mother, put you in touch with her - and sadly it didn't work out - but he tried. It's easy to want to look for places to dump the blame but it's not helpful and it's not fair either.

I hope your half-brother wants a relationship with you as you want one with him. Fingers crossed

Not at all the same but my estranged step grand father (he was the only GF I knew) died alone after years of refusing to engage with us etc. One day I went to look for him only to find he had died 3 weeks earlier and been already buried. Furthermore he died from a painful cancer in hospital.

For ages I felt absolutely awful, guilty that I was not there towards the end, that he suffered in pain, that he didn't see my grown up children. I would switch between feeling angry at family on his side who did not reach out to us and neglected him, then sad and guilty I wasn't there etc. I felt that way for over a year.

But then I spoke to someone who calmly and pragmatically went through the reality of the situation which was: 1. The estrangement was not initiated by me or my fault 2. I attempted to reach out and it did not work out I was constantly rejected 3. You are only ever responsible for one part of a relationship it takes two to make things work 4. At the time I made choices based on where things were/situation was at the time 5. He made choices that made reaching out difficult 6. He knew I/we had no hatred towards him 7. I would have been there had I known and had he made it possible 8. The constant rejection had made things painful for me and grief meant I was not factoring in the pain he caused me which resulted in him being alone. I was overlooking this because I was wishing things were different.

I think you have to concentrate on the reality of how things were, a lot of which was not really in your control. This takes time though. I'm sure your mum understood in her heart that you were doing well and cared about her and also (sorry to be horrible here) that she had made errors that meant you couldn't be there for her. I certainly would if I fell into a situation like that and wouldn't expect things of my DCs. I'm sure she loved you at the end. Allow yourself to grieve.

I hope I have not offended you apologies if I have.

I'm not offended at all, PrayerBook and thank you everyone for being so kind. I know I will get through all this eventually, (and thanks for the tip on the podcast, redexpat, I have it lined up ready to listen to tonight), but I guess I've just been blindsided by the feelings - I thought I had come to terms with the rejection, the guilt, and just the sadness of it all. I had in the back of my mind that she would die relatively early from the drinking and smoking, and hoped that it wouldn't end up with her dying alone on the streets somewhere, which thankfully didn't happen, so I'm glad of that. I guess I just wasn't expecting to feel bereft. I weirdly had this idea of her being alive, pottering away in her flat, but simultaneously thought she would pass without me knowing about it, but I guess I didn't expect it to have happened seven years ago. A couple of months maybe, but not that much. But yes, maybe something to remember her by might be nice. I did think of holding a memorial somewhere for the family, but I'm not sure they'd really want to. I'll wait and see what I can find out from the solicitor, and if I can find where they've put her ashes, I'll put a few feelers out in a while. I'd like it if we could remember the person she used to be.

No advice but my estranged father died at the beginning of the year and it affected me in ways I could never have imagined.

Looking back I think it's the fact that we never actually got to "make up", he never apologised for everything he had done and there was never that tear stained moment where he clutched my hand on his death bed. Logically I know it would never have happened but I suppose there was always the chance that he actually realised what he had done and was sorry - turned out he wasn't

I had a bereavement similar to this. My abusive exH died suddenly in an accident. It was as if a bomb went off in my life.

Women in abuse survivor support groups expressed joy and heartfelt envy that the bastard was dead. I just felt utterly wretched: the reality was so different to the wish (and I'd certainly, actively, fantasised many times about just such an eventuality. He was no use to man or beast and I longed for him to vacate his mortal coil).

Sorry, getting carried away there. In truth I kind of fell in love with him again after he died. Weird. I even went through a survivor guilt, wracked with sorrow his end had been so horrible and I was alive (I suppose we had been locked in a bitter war - his instigation I have to say - and I had won, hands down). I think death is so final and brutal it leaves you reeling. I had loved him once - enough to marry him and have children with him. I kind of grieved the life we should have had? Something like that. I had been through years and years of tremendous pain at his hands (not literally, he wasn't physically violent): how great it would have been if he had been a decent man and we'd grown old together.

Etc! It was endless. I eventually learned it's called a complex bereavement. That helped, that it had a name. I wildly swung about emotionally but the main emotion was love and sorrow and tenderness. Goodness knows why. It's not much help to say I can't remember exactly how I dealt with it - who called it a complex bereavement, for instance - but I do remember going to bereavement support groups, which helped (though I felt a fraud because I wanted him dead, kind of, whereas everyone there were pure grievers - or it seemed so to me...). I eventually said goodbye to him and slowly the madness passed. It took a while though. I'm still sad about it now, a residual sadness. It just was very sad.

Do get some support with this. The story is very fraught with an agonizing twist at the end: that you didn't know for seven years. That's very hard. Also that your uncle is implicated in the whole wretched story ☹️

Do have a look at Al-anon. Too many of them will know exactly what you're going through 🌺🌼🏵️

It's difficult OP when a parent dies with whom you had a troubled relationship. Grief counselling is worth considering
Sorry for your loss

Thank you so much everyone - that's one thing that mn has always been so good at; at holding hands with someone going through a tough time.
I spoke to the heir hunters yesterday, and as we thought there's not much money to pass on, which is completely to be expected really. I can't seem to find out how much the developers bought the land for as it's not on H M Land registry (which looks dodgy in itself) but I can see from google maps that the property was still as land in 2012 but by 2015 a huge block of flats had gone up, so I'm thinking the council must have sold it to pay for her debts and care costs, leaving a small amount left. To be honest I would rather they found my brother alive and well and gave him a share, as it would give me the opportunity to send him a letter to see if he wanted to reinitiate contact with me. That would be a nice end to it all at least. I have looked for him on ancestry but only found his birth record, so it would be amazing if they found out where he is. If he was formally adopted though I won't get that opportunity, but I would rather have a chance to see him again over a few grand.
I started listening to the podcast last night but then dh came to bed, but he's gone off to Londonium today for work so I'll crack on with that, and just try to focus on the possibility I might see my little brother again, which would be amazing, even if he is in his 30s now!

Of course you care. She was your mum. You are mournng her death. You are also mourning her sad, wasted life and you are mourning the loss of the healthy loving relationship all children yearn for with their mother. So you are mourning three things in one. You have a massive right to mourn. It's probably a lot more traumatic for you than for a family where the bonds were strong and healthy throughout life.

You will need time. You will need to be very gentle and kind to yourself and you might need some bereavement counselling too. Take everything you need.

And please don't be angry with your uncle. It's understandable that he too had to minimise contact to avoid being dragged down into the vortex of a life lived that way.

Great post spray 👍

I think the anger at my uncle perhaps is misguided disappointment in myself for not doing the job myself that I thought he was doing. All he really had to do was to make sure that the council who was supporting her had his contact number so that he could be updated on her whereabouts. Interestingly, I spoke to my mum's younger brother (not the one who was supposed to be her legal guardian) to let him know the news, not long after I knew, and he was very kind, and said he would let the older brother know. I've had facebook messages of condolences from my cousins, but nothing from the older uncle and aunt. But then, he's very rich and very busy, so has never had much time for us poorer relatives. I might be being overly harsh, but DH has said he can't believe how her brothers could have been so cold as to not just check up on her occasionally. But then I pointed out that once I was 18, I could have done the same and didn't. Perhaps my uncle isn't a cold, calculating, capitalist bastard after all? :/ Guess I won't know until he chooses to talk to me, or I try to contact him. Not sure I really want to open that can of worms right now, though, and don't want to cause a shit-storm within his own family.

Just heard back from the heir hunters - my half-brother was adopted, so at least I know he was loved by a good family somewhere. But very sad that I won't get the opportunity to send him a letter.

I really don't like those 'fortune hunters', they contacted me and my brothers too but, if they've given you information that comforts you, OfMe then that's something positive.

Perhaps your half-brother will contact you directly some day? But if he never does, as you say, he has a family who love him and that counts for a lot. I hope you find some peace of heart very soon.

Thanks, Witch. The heir hunters in this case are pretty legit ones, and it was the solicitor on behalf of my mother who asked them to take on the case - I'm guessing a council solicitor maybe. I'm very suspicious that the land sale was dodgy though, so depending on how much the solicitor knows/tells me, I may or may not contact the police and the coroner and see where they're at with all of that as I know they haven't released my DM's DP's death certificate yet.

I don't know what you'll think of this, OfMe but my father died in September, he was in an old folks home and enjoyed holding court there (apparently). I hadn't seen him for almost 20 years. He was a very bad father and he did a lot of damage, not just to me but to my brothers and my mum too. I sort of feel free yet trapped at the same time now that he's dead. We (the siblings and my Mum) don't have the death certificate, never wanted it, had nothing to do with the funeral, it was arranged by the council and they recovered the money from his account. I don't know when or where the ashes were scattered and just don't care.

I do understand how you feel, it's a terribly conflicting feeling and for me, the smack of guilt was a surprise and an unwelcome on at that.

As PP said, you have every right to feel the grief that you feel and nobody can tell you otherwise. I hope you have somebody you can unload to and also deal with the feelings of not being able to contact your brother, that must be extremely difficult for you.