12 YO DD constantly eating sweets in hiding

[GlitteredAcorns]

I am constantly finding empty sweet packets stuffed in her drawers. Even if I tell her off and ground her for a weekend, she'll do it again as soon as she has the opportunity. Nothing seems to work. I would appreciate some advice on how to go about it.

Context?

Why is she hiding them?
Why are you grounding her for eating sweets?
Where is she getting them?
Is she not allowed sweets?

Grounding for eating sweets? IMO that sounds pretty controlling and no wonder she’s hiding stuff if that’s the reaction she gets.

I’d make sure she has big portions of proper food for her meals and snacks. At that age, kids need tons of calories. She’ll have fewer treats if she’s filled with eg a cooked meal + yoghurt + fruit.

Sorry I should have offered more info. Right. So we're pretty relaxed when it comes to sweets, DH and I absolutely love sweets and buy them on weekends for the whole family. We'll often do family movie and there will be haribo, popcorn, etc. DD goes to town with friends and they get McDonals, then treats, all fine. What I am finding is empty packets of sweets that she has been eating in addition to all of the other sweets, and in hiding. There will be food that she's eaten and then hidden the empty wrappers under her pillow, in her wardrobe... Everything in the kitchen is up for grabs, there are no restrictions. If DC want a snack they can have it. Food is healthy and cooked from scratched most days, once or twice a week there will be pizza or whatever goes type dinner. I don't restrict portions.

The being grounded is because she has been asked to keep sweet consumption under control which mostly means to not buy them during the week, but also not to take food into her room, as she has left leftover muffins, cake etc stuffed inside her drawers where they have caked against the furniture.

Despite multiple conversations, making snacks available (did a big shop of the fruit she asked for, yogurts, crackers, nuts, seeds, pretzels... she continues overeating sweet stuff, eating in hiding and then hiding the evidence, stuffing leftovers in places where they damage property.

Personally (so long as she doesn't have any health issues arising from her diet), I would just let it go.

I remember sneaking food out of the cupboards when I was about that age and eating them up in my room. I'd have been allowed to just take them anyway, but I think it was probably the sense of doing something on my own terms if you see what I mean.

Really, if you think about it, it's terrifying how little control children have over their own lives - what they eat, when they eat, when they work, when they play, when they sleep, what they wear...obviously all for good reasons, but she's getting to age when she's want to exert some control over her own life, so maybe just let her have this one?

And maybe give her a bin for her room that is her responsibilty to empty (good to get them taking respomnsiobilty around the house anyway), so she doesn't end up hiding leftovers and causing damage?

If she’s buying her own sweets then can you not just stop buying ‘family sweets’? Buy them privately for the other family members to keep in their rooms.

Honestly I’d be a more concerned about the hiding it. Sounds like the potential for an eating disorder here. How is she generally? Is she happy? Does she comfort eat? Maybe try being open and asking her if there is a reason she is hiding this. I could be being over sensitive but I suffered from anorexia for years and if there is potential issue here the less time it has to fester the better. Hopefully it’s nothing but wanted to offer another perspective

This kind of behaviour is generally driven by a feeling of scarcity around food/sweets.

So I would deeply
Examine your attitudes to food in your house.

It’s not a good habit for her to get into.

I’m speaking from personal experience.

Put a bin in her room so all rubbish goes in one place.
Maybe lessen the rules slightly about it - there’s a reason why she feels she needs to eat them in secret.

Is is anxious or upset about something else and comfort eating to self-soothe?

I'd be more concerned that the habit of buying haribos etc has set her up to have strog sugar cravings she can't control. Ask her about it. Ask if she finds it easy or difficult to have sweet stuff in her room without eating it. Ask her if she gets a craving for it and explain what cravings feel like. If she does, tell her that you understand it's hard not to eat sugar once the craving sets in, so you'll help by buying less sugar, creating healthy snacks (home made sugar free popcorn, carrot and cucumber sticks etc) to eat on family film nights.
I'm not saying you're wrong to buy sweets - most families do. But if she is frequently hoarding and secretly eating them, it suggests an out of control behaviour that needs support not punishment.

I think there's an issue with massive sugar cravings. I have always felt that not buying sweets would make her more obsessed with them.
I also feel there's an element of anxiety and low self-esteem at play.
Not sure how to help her.

@GlitteredAcorns the best advice I could offer is try to talk to her non judgementally about managing anxiety and just let her know you are there anytime for support. Sometimes kids need this spelt out. If she feels like she can safely confide in you it will be half the battle won.

Ways you can help:
Explain what sugar cravings are (and point out that loads of people get them - it's not her weakness.) Get her to sample several other types of snacks - all healthy - and explain how they do her good. Get her choose which ones she;d like and allow her to keep some in her room so she has control over when she eats them.
Explain sugar cravings give you a feelgood hit of chemicals to the brain so they are especially strong if you are feeling a bit low. Show her other ways to get that hit in a more positive way: she can listen to a favourite song, watch videos of cute kittens or funny videos or ones of a favourite celebrity. She can do a 5 minute high intensity workout, do some pampering of hair, nails, skin or write in a (lockable) journal about what her dreams for her life are. All these can give a similar hit.

With self esteem issues, CBT techniques can help. Teach her how to spot unhealthy states of mind such as Black and White Thinking or Catastrophising and how to react to them.

I did this all the way through teen hood and it was because I was told what I could and country each by my mum. Honestly as hard as it is to hear you are setting her up for a lifetime of food issues by creating the environment in which she needs to hide her activities in order to fit in with your version of what's ok.

DontLettuce is right. You run the risk of making her paranoid about what she eats.

The hiding it is the concerning bit. Is there like binge type quantities of packets or just the odd mars bar wrapper in a packet or a empty sweet wrapper in a drawer?

Is she gaining weight?

*in a pocket

I used to do this! Maybe when I was a bit older though. I would hide the wrappers in my drawers, bags, etc.

I'm now in my mid 20s, I've never had an eating disorder and as far as I know it has had no lasting damage on me!

I was definitely comfort eating at the time and I was ashamed about it, hence hiding the evidence!

This kind of behaviour is generally driven by a feeling of scarcity around food/sweets.

I don't actually know if I agree with this. Of my childhood friends I was definitely the worst for this, despite the fact that I was well fed good meals by my mum and we had a cupboard of snacks (including chocolate biscuits) available to us at all times and pocket money to buy sweets.

I put my insatiable sweet tooth down to my milk allergy. I was brought up on WySoy soya milk which (in those days at least) was extremely sweet and gave me a big appetite for all foods, but particularly sweet stuff.

I'd be more likely to put a child's sweet tooth down to having a lot of sugar in their diet rather than the opposite.

I didn't get any sort of control over my sweet tooth until my 20s when someone else pointed out to me that savoury food can be considered a treat just as much as sweet stuff, so I changed my mindset from thinking that only sweets/chocolate were treats to other foods being a treat. My focus switched to my favourite meals and realising how enjoyable they are.

I'm trying to follow this through by talking to DD about how much of a treat it is to have various foods that we don't eat every day, or even every week, for example: steak; any fruit or veg that we only buy in season (so clementines are currently a treat, as are sprouts) or foods we rarely buy due to carbon footprint (mango).

With sugar its such a hard balance between restricting it and therefore creating a craving for it and being too free and easy with it and the DC developing a sweet tooth