If you could tell your pre-child self not to take something for granted, what would it be?

[Waysofseeing]

I have been struggling to conceive for three years with an ovary removed and two miscarriages along the way. As my period has arrived yet again, I need something to help me stay positive. Last night my husband and I said let's plan something indulgent (or just nice!) we won't be able to do as easily when children hopefully do come along, and not waste this time away each month waiting for period not to show.

So - those of you with children, give me your best advice on what you would plan if you had time without kids which you can't now do with kids!

If I didn’t have my children I would appreciate:
Being able to tidy the house and the tidiness lasting for more than 10 minutes.
Cooking a faffy meal involving vegetables and salad. And without being interrupted.
On a cold dark morning giving myself 10 extra minutes in bed before rushing to get ready for work, knowing that it’s just me to get ready.
Going into a coffee shop, having a nice sit down and reading the papers.
Reading in general.
Going to stay in a luxury hotel for the night.
Pottering around in the garden, planting something nice that won’t get trodden on.
Having a bath for a long time.
Enjoying a nice cup of tea.
Have a late night/drinking without the fear of being hassled at 6am the next morning.
Wandering round the shops and supermarket.
Generally just the ability to get shit done.

Travel, absolutely. I really wish I'd gone to Jordan and Egypt pre-baby. It's too impractical now. I would love to see Petra and the Pyramids. I guess they'll still be there in 20 years though

Also, if you're a foodie, going to posh food markets is much easier without kids.

Solitude. I relied on long periods of being by myself to recharge my batteries, although I also love a social life, and I didn't realise that the hardest part of the baby stage for me would be always having someone small and demanding with you.

I've found virtually all the other stuff manageable, and I wrote my first novel on maternity leave, but I remember wandering around north London staring at women cycling along by themselves, or sitting reading in cafés.

Enjoy going on holidays out of school holiday. Less busy and cheaper (so you can go somewhere more indulgent) Breakfast in bed when you fancy it. Shag with the bedroom door open 😆 Random dinners after work that are totally unplanned and sit in the beer garden after you’ve eaten in the sun. Even if it’s just a Wetherspoon’s.

Look after your health. It’s the most important thing you have and you’ll never get it back once you lose it. I know so many people - particularly those with DC - who are “too busy” to exercise, “don’t have time” to eat well, “can’t afford” to join a gym. For most of them, they’d have the time and money if they prioritised it over the things they choose to do instead: because when you’re young you don’t realise that being overweight and unfit is going to catch up with you far more quickly than you think.

Your body and your mind are the only ones you’re gonna get. They are worth every financial and time investment you can spare.

Actually I think the interruptions are the worst thing for me. I have loads of things I need to do but I can't face starting them knowing I won't get to the end. So I piss about doing things like this.

not having your happiness tied to the happiness of others

"You're only as happy as you're unhappiest child" is the truest thing ever written.

not having to stress about the world too much as you'll be dead soon.

your unhappiest child- grammar fail- the shame

Travel and adventures like trekking Mach Picchu. Getting in your bed and staying there for as long as you want, when you want. Even when I'm alone, my thoughts are always on my children.

I have 2 toddlers, and I can't tell you how many times I've longed for a nice dinner that I can make at leisure when I feel like it. And pop to the shops for the stuff immediately before.

Honestly meal prep and the head space it takes up is really a low point right now for me. Having to cook toddler friendly meals, at a set-ish time, and having to think in advance what you're having so you know you have the stuff in the house, cooking whilst the kids are whinging, and then the clean up (of the pots and pans AND the kids) is honestly much more soul destroying than I thought it would be.

I really miss the days I could just come home from work and cook whatever I felt like at whatever time I felt like. Or not cook and get a take away. If I get a take away now I still have to cook for the kids so it cancels itself out in a way.

Sorry to hear that OP

In all honestly just being able to leave the house when I want is one thing I miss. So everytime you leave the house have a little smile to yourself!

Also get your DP to randomly set alarms of screaming babies. So you could be enjoying your coffee in the cafe, or just about to have a snooze and be interrupted by that god awful scream never truly knowing when they are about to explode. Lastly always eat your dinner using both hands you never know how much you'll miss it.

Ooooh I would also do a theme park not bastard Peppa Pig Land

So go hang upside down from a rollercoaster for me please OP 😁

Go to a dance class together! I love to dance. But have to go by myself as hubby needs to stay home whilst son sleeps. I'm talking salsa, bachata that kind of thing 😊.

Gym
Swimming
Going for runs
Cooking complicated meals, I used to love cooking up feasts!
Lie ins
Spas, massages etc
Reading, films and TV series

I'm also going to regret what I've lost career wise, I enjoyed my job and like to think I could have been more senior or taken my career to more interesting places than is likely now.

I’m really sorry you’re having a tough time and hope things change for you soon The massive one is travel but I get that isn’t always easy to plan when you’re trying either. One thing that you can appreciate day to day is spontaneity- go out for a midweek meal, if the weather is nice go for a walk or get on a train somewhere you haven’t been before, you could go away for a night at the weekend and decide on the Saturday morning, don’t get bogged down by “I can’t” or “I could but.....” because once the little ones come it will always be much harder.

I'm sorry about your struggles. I hope you get your beautiful baby soon.

Time is precious, the ability to read a book, sleep in, go to the cinema and so on.

"Popping out" spontaneity goes out if the window.

Long haul holidays and the option of laying in the sun or drinking too much.

Spending £££ on an item for yourself! Children ALWAYS need something.

I miss getting in from work on a Friday and watching catch up TV in bed and having a little nap before dinner. I miss going to bed knowing I can lie in til whenever I want on a weekend.

Hope it all works out for you though

This is all SO helpful to having a more constructive headset while on this journey - such a good reminder that as well as holidays and carefree city breaks, there's so much in the everyday I can relish before any much-wanted kids come along. Particularly like the ones re cooking and enjoying leisurely meals, spontaneous days out and booking a massage just because I can :) Thanks everyone!

We took three years to get pregnant with one that stuck.

Things we enjoyed in that time:
Travel (we did Belize, the Maldives, Florence and various other places that would have been much less enjoyable with a small child)

Spontaneous weekends away to visit friends

Go to the cinema to see a grown up film - we've done this once in the five years since and had to both book annual leave!

Go for drinks/dinner after work without having to check with anyone

Go to the gym after work without guilt that you are missing time with your child and saddling your partner with bed time

Enjoy silence

Enjoy lie ins

Children are a joy but they can be very limiting too. There are definitely bits of my pre-parenthood life that I feel wistful about.

The freedom to leave the house alone without a child screaming and running after you, and crying most of the time you are gone. This happened until he was 5.

Yy to the creativity thing mentioned above - not only do you not have the physical time to do anything, in your brief moments of alone-time, you are sapped for energy and any creative spark you once had. Staring at a wall boxset becomes the default use of non-childing time out of sheer exhaustion.

Being able to spend the afternoon drinking in a nice pub garden/by a roaring pub fire (delete as season appropriate) with friends. Even if i magically had the afternoon to myself now i couldn’t do this because i know however rough i felt the next morning i would be woken at 5.30 by a little voice saying something horrifying like “Mummy? I put all my toys on the stairs to make a space-pizza but then a bad thing happened...” and i would have to deal with that hungover which would be 100x worse than normal...

For me the really mundane things like being able to just put the bins out, without two little people running outside in their socks, opening the gate and trying to run into the road. Then moaning that their socks are wet.

Spontaneity. Oh how I miss you. And being able to go 'out out' without clock watching and let your hair down knowing you've got a weekend to recover in bed.

And sleep. I've had 5 years of crap sleep and some days it is hard to stay positive.

Definitely lie-ins with leisurely brunches in bed with the papers.

Just heading out for the day with no plans - go for a walk, find a pub for lunch without having to plan ahead in every detail and pack nappy bags and clothes changes and things to keep them entertained and food they'll actually eat etc.

Thinking your own thoughts. This was the one I missed most - missed massively in the early years. Just having uninterrupted thoughts about what you wnated to think about, and the same applies to conversations. In the first years, my thoughts just vanished and were replaced with a commentary of: time to change nappies. Time to warm bottles. Time to get them dressed. Ways to stop them grizzling. Doctor's appointment. Clinic appointment. Etc.

Going on exotic long haul holidays. I know lots of people do take small DC with them but that never appealed to me and as one of our DC was very fragile in health, we went no further than Wales for several years. So if you want to ride camels in the desert or walk in the rain forest or travel round India or Thailand - do it now!

Your Husband sounds wonderful!

I'd say the biggest thing I miss is being able to take time over things. To go for a meal and then just sit drinking coffees and chatting or taking ages to read the paper or lie in the bath. Everything has to be so efficient with children.

For me it’s just spending time alone. I’m a huge introvert and I need a lot of time by myself to recharge. Which I get hardly ever now I have 2 very small ones. I love them with all my heart but my god it can be hard to be climbed on all day long. I get very touched out and can barely bring myself to even let my husband touch me which has obviously affected our relationship.

Other than that, I miss going on relaxing holidays, having long, leisurely brunches, shopping alone and just generally the headspace of not having to worry about everything