Friends child hurting my child

[confuddeledconfuddel]

I am gonna try and keep this brief. Background my friend is a single mum, has shared custody with father. Friend is very vulnerable and I try to be there for her as much as I can and she has had the worst year imaginable. She doesn't really have anyone else to turn to than me.
Her child although seems to like mine (both are 2/3) can be very vicious towards mine. Has now left marks on my child's cheeks and neck on 3 separate occasions. My child is a bit of whinge so a lot of the times when they are together when she cries I do brush it off but this last occasion was extreme behaviour in my opinion (punching, kicking, scratching, pinning to floor and head butting)
I really really want to be there for my friend but feel I also need to keep my child safe. So I am thinking of withdrawing my child from playing with hers for a while to see if things get better with hers. I don't think I can tell her this as it will hurt her so much. She by the way is devastated, was shaking and in tears. I really felt as bad for her as I did for my child.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help my friend. I am doing the right thing in stopping play dates for a while? I feel at a loss and I imagine that she is at an even worse loss.

You are going to have to take charge say thingslike gentle x or no hitting and watch them like a hawk.

Say to your friendsall kids can be rough sometimes and we will just need to keep our eye on them your poor friend is upset as are you get back togetherkeep playdates shorter or go out it wil l work out,

Thanks @Mrsjayy I do try and do this, I really did give shout at her child (I always try to never shout at any child ) when mine was being attacked but the child didn't seem to care. I told my friend she needed to do something, punish the child show it wasn't tolerated behaviour and make them sit out of playing. She took it on board and tried it but then let the child have juice and sweets while sitting out if playing on 3rd occasion of sitting out of playing I took the juice from the child. Then I feel like I'm over stepping

What does she do when her kid does this?

X-post. To me this is all about parental behaviour - if she can discipline her child and step in when they hurt yours, roll on playdates. If not, no.

You set the boundaries. Tell the child 'we don't play like that, it's not kind'. I have told several children off for playing 'rough'. If the parent doesn't like it they don't have to let their kids play with my kids. Anything that involves a child getting hurt is a no in my book.

Thanks @Mrsjayy I do try and do this, I really did give shout at her child (I always try to never shout at any child ) when mine was being attacked but the child didn't seem to care. I told my friend she needed to do something, punish the child show it wasn't tolerated behaviour and make them sit out of playing. She took it on board and tried it but then let the child have juice and sweets while sitting out if playing on 3rd occasion of sitting out of playing I took the juice from the child. Then I feel like I'm over stepping

@Mrsjayy I like the ideas of short play sessions and maybe in a more controlled environment. Somewhere they can run around supervised and let of steam

@EssentialHummus and do you think I should say that to her, do you think I should be saying before next play date can we talk about what's gonna happen if ** hurts mot child? I feel like I'm then taking over her parenting. Kinda belittling her. I would be cross if someone was to say that to me

The kid sounds a handful I would take them out to the park or softplay! Untill she matures a little bit you imo reacted maybe a little bit harshly but what can your friend expect.

I had similar with a friend (turned out she was so sleep deprived she was just very slow to intervene, in our case) and basically just said that I wasn't comfortable with how her DS was snatching from mine so could she either intervene faster or let me know that she's happy for me to step in? She's your DC, you need to protect her.

@Mrsjayy it was soft play we were at. I did probably over react but I was so scared and upset for my child - my child was getting punched at both sides of head while being sat on and was to far away for us to reach quickly so I had to shout as no-one else was doing anything. My child has a bruised and cut face today. It's everytime we play together. My dh is so cross as well looking at my child's face, he wasn't there. At same time I feel horrific for friend as she is mortified and so 'upset that her child can act like that' her words.
My child really enjoys playing with hers and asks to go play with them and when asked if wanted to leave after getting hurt each time said no. So I don't want to be punishing her either by not letting them play. I just don't want her to be continually hurt, to be taking her to play, knowing that she will be physically hurt I wouldn't continue going somewhere I knew I was going to be hurt, so I keep asking myself why am I letting it happen to her. The main answer to this is, that I feel so bad for my friend.

@EssentialHummus thanks, I think I just need to have a chat with her. She is so reasonable, I can't even begin to explain how reasonable and lovely she is. I would be totally lost without her.
I think I just need confirmation it's ok for me to step in, which I think she will be fine with. She steps in when mine gets outta line as well. Although she is so much more lenient than me. We parent very very differently. I'm about routines, would never give child caffeine, watch sweets, I don't like haribo or popcorn as still only 2 etc. She is very go lucky.

Does friend's child play with other children and is s/he aggressive with them too?

I think you need to talk to your friend about this.
If she is not able to stop her child from hurting yours, then you must stop them or they have to stop playing together for a while, at least.

@Happityhap her child doesn't have other kids their age to play with. At toddler groups we have went to yes her child has hurt other kids that age. Her child doesn't tend to hurt older children aged 6+ that they do have to play with.
It's also partly why I don't want to remove play as I think it's important to play with kids own age and think it may only get worse if not socialised. But then think well why is it my daughters job to bear the brunt of their hitting because there is no-one else.
As you can see I keep talking myself around in circles.
By the way my child is no angel she has hit out before at her cousins and other kids have hit out at her including cousins but it's more a lash out hit for taking my toy, sort of thing, not a sitting on top raining punches on them. I do understand kids are kids and I'm in no way precious that my child never does wrong. I am also not a perfect mother by any means and struggle with my child's behaviour at times

Get in their and stop it. you are there to protect your child . Not her or her kid.

@anniemac1 thank you, I think this is just what I need to hear. I'm actually so upset about it, not just for my bike, I'm upset for everyone involved.
She is having such a horrible horrible time though. And her child is being put through a shit time as well (not by her). There is a huge backstory to them and I just want to support them both and not make it worse but my child has to come first, don't they.

It could be the horrible time the child's having that causes them to be aggressive.
You do have to protect your daughter, tho.

@Happityhap I totally agree with you. It is just so unfair on the child what they have had to go through in their short life. I do really feel for them as well. Although cross I hate being cross at a child. My friend keeps crying her child is bad but I truly believe and say to her there is no such thing as a bad child, just behaviour that needs corrected.

I have a very good relationship with my child's nursery, when I next see them would it be unreasonable of me to ask them if they have ever experienced this with any child and what methods they found helped in class and relay this back to friend?
I don't think she wants to try, 'time out' as she has been told it doesn't work before 4.

Look up Hand in Hand Parenting, it’s a really radical approach that works for all kids, but is particularly good with problem behaviour. I’ve seen it totally turn round a family that was totally dominated by one child’s behaviour. Both parents good, consistent, loving, but still no change till they did some HiH classes.
It’s cheap and accessible and I really remember my friends saying one of the brilliant side effects was that she stopped feeling like a failure as a parent, and that she stopped feeling locked in a battle trying to get her child to do the right thing.

Thank you @Ohyesiam I'll look it up.

@Ohyesiam I'm 10min into podcast and I'm getting loads out of it! I'll def pass it on

That's good to hear, confuddeledconfuddel.

Gosh your poor dd, I'd be fuming and my dh would stop me from putting dd in that situation again- as I would him if it was the other way round.

Firstly this other little girl has got some issues bless her and she needs some kind of help. Where has a 2/3 year old seen something like this to act it out herself. Obviously her mum has a lot going on so cannot (understandably) keep on top of things.
It sounds awful for them both.

However... imo by taking your dd to meet with this girl, time and time again YOU are putting your child at risk and also demonstrating to your dd it's ok to keep going back to this situation.
I would seriously focus on your child first by either;

1. telling her no more play dates with 'Isla' as she shouldn't hit so we are going to play with 'Polly' and have a little break from 'Isla' but see her soon. Then your not saying other girl is 'naughty' or making a massive thing but you're demonstrating to dd that you aren't going to put her in that position. My worry would be that your dd would start to think that behaviour is normal/ acceptable and either have other kids hurt her or hurt other kids.
2. if you feel you MUST take dd I would prep her by saying 'when Isla does something you don't like you must tell her no/ tell mummy' etc- whatever your choice is. This will again teach dd this behaviour is wrong and she can speak out. In this case there needs to be a plan with the mum that she sticks to that's a consequence- not eating sweets 🙄

Op you sound so lovely and caring but please don't let helping your friend be your main focus.

Maybe see it this way..
A STRANGERS LITTLE BOY BEAT UP YOUR DD AND SHE IS AS BRUISED AS SHE IS NOW - I expect you'd react differently.

My answer is, meet the mum at her house while dd is at nursery/ with dh. Then dd isn't missing out on play places and you still support your friend.