Feeling left out by other Mums

[Cel77]

Hi, I guess this is not exactly original but I keep getting hurt by feeling left out by Mums from my son's reception class. My son is lovely but quiet and struggling socially ( has struggled with playdates, birthdays and even the playground and soft plays). We're awaiting a diagnosis of ASD. I've been going to this little club with my boy in the local library for at least 3 years,and I've been chatting to these mums there. It's not like we're strangers at all: I've held their babies, shared stories/ struggles and so on. I noticed at the time that some mums seemed to go out together,and that their children would have lunch at one or another's house. We were never invited. My son was completely quiet and stuck to me at the library but I carried on going because I believed it was good for him, and I enjoyed the chats although I sometimes had to force myself a bit as I find situations like this sometimes a challenge.
Well, the children have all known each other for at least 2 years ( same nursery and then same preschool class and now same reception class), but apart from a few playdates ( always initiated by me) and the usual birthday parties where everyone is invited, nothing. I didn't really see the mums apart from the club as my work meant my husband would drop my son off at breakfast club in the morning and I'd pick him up at after school club in the afternoo. I don't understand why I'm so upset but I guess I was almost expecting them to understand how difficult it is for me to see my son struggling so much, and for me to want him to make friends with their children. I've also got a baby now ( 3 months old) and although I'm much more free as I'm on maternity leave, we're still not invited although we've got the time now. I really wanted my son to have a little Halloween party,and I even posted on our Mums WhatsApp asking what everyone was doing on the evening. They all replied in a very vague way, and my hope's of being invited fell through. I organised for my only real Mum friend and her son ( 4 as well) to come to us, and they did and my son had the most brilliant time: I was so surprised and elated he enjoyed it so much as he's usually withdrawn in that sort of situation. The reason for feeling so upset this morning is that one of the mums posted a picture on Facebook today and they were all there: the Mums I've known for years with my son's little friends. They had their Halloween party and it made me so sad I could cry now...

I also think that your expectations are too high. Most people are so caught up in own lives that they wouldn't think twice about your difficulties. Real friends do. That's the difference. Find better friends and don't put up with people who make you feel bad.

I also think your expectations are way too high. These people are casual acquaintances, and don’t have a responsibility to include you — there was a WhatsApp group for the other mothers in DS’s class for a year and a half before I even found out it existed, and I only found out when I sat next to another mother at a school play in year two as she was posting on it. But it wasn’t conscious exclusion. I just wasn’t really on their radar because I seldom did drop-off and pick-ups. I would only be vaguely aware of whether someone else on the School Mums WhatsApp was on maternity leave and might suddenly have more time to socialise — I’m at work, so don’t see anyone in the week.

I also think you need to disentangle your understandable desire for your DS to have friends from your own desire to have them. It’s not doing him any favours if you’re this emotional about it. If he enjoys play dates, continue to organise them. Don’t wait for someone else to initiate. You don’t need to be friends with other children’s parents for a friendship to work for your DS.

They don’t sound very nice.

Could you just move away from them all?

It’s great you have a close friend/her son

Is your other mum friend also at the same school? Or are you the only one from school out of clique.
My only advice is not to go at trying to make friends with all at same time. Find a mum who you think you have more in common with or the queen bee (there's always one!), and say oh DS has been playing with your DD/DS and he's been asking if they can come over for playdate, we are free Saturday this week if you are free? From that you get talking about other things.
I'd hate to think of any child excluded and I think most parents would too, with regards to the hallowean party they could have just been embarassed you weren't invited in first place, or that you didn't message the host and everyone else embarrassed to say anything.
It's a minefield when DD is invited to a birthday party and you are invited to playdate from another mum at same time.
Or even more embarrassing you turn up to a play centre as its a rainy day and there's a school party with half her friends (me last week)

I feel like it's too late to meet other mums now...

I'm on keeping it all in for my son's sake and am not a blubbering mess! I guess I'm just feeling lonely, but also I've got to sometimes socialise with these women at groups I go to,or other school events,and I'd like it to be a fairly pleasant thing, not an awkward one.

I also think I'm not over the top with this. My husband met two of the mums this morning as we were in the library,and they never even asked how we were or made small talk , just answered briefly our own questions. I'm not being precious but they never really took an interest in my little girl,and they had plenty of opportunities to do so over the last 2 months. We left early as my son was just not interested, and I asked my husband what he thought. He was quite shocked at how they blanked us and made no effort, he told me to stop wasting my time on them. I suppose they're just socially awkward, and I'll now stop chasing their friendship and try to look for other mums to hang out with. ..

But you have a new baby, OP -- why not meet some new people at baby groups while your other child is at school? I never found friends through them, but other people found them a total godsend.

This is just one group of people, not the entire of society. I'm a socially-confident person who's never had any difficulty making friends, but I gelled with no one at all among DS's class parents.

I think it is a bit of the luck of the draw. With my eldest ds, I made a couple of really good friends in that year group. Fast forward dc2 and I have not gelled with anyone at all. My dc2 has had a few behavioural issues in the past and right from the very start, I have felt a bit out on a limb because dc was not the easiest little person to take out and about. I get the Halloween thing also. DC1 = organised party we were invited to for several years yet nothing for DC2 whilst half the class were invited to a party (but not everyone, that would have been worse and plenty of children were out trick or treating with their parents etc). I've learnt that I've got to organise things if I want things to happen (usually people are more than happy to come to us).

This was my son. he has as d and, although he got on well with others in his class, never had many invites. I did the same as you and arranged smaller gatherings.
I did used to get upset when I heard of class parties/ get to togethers, but my son never did. He was quite happy on his own or with the friends i had arranged to come. It was me who was upset, not him .
It sounds like your ds had a fab Halloween and was very happy. Try to remember that. Be led by him, you made him happy.

Small gatherings definitely suit dc2 better and also, I think I was more upset than them, I try to make the best of things. Thinking that I might arrange a small Halloween party next year.

Thanks. I'm mostly dreading the day he might notice...

I also think it's about quality, not quantity but it baffles me that people would shun a little kid because they might be worried he's going to have a meltdown/ or they don't like the mum, my only 2 theories as to why invites are not coming out way...

I've been through this with my two DC's (both ASD). Many people don't understand autism and they distance themselves. They don't want their kids to be friends with the SEN kid unfortunately (learnt from bitter experience sadly).

Honestly, it's upsetting now but you will get over this and, in a few years, you won't care.

I really wanted to be accepted by one particular group of Mums and I never was. A year or so later, they all had a massive falling out and stabbed each other in the back. I was so glad that I wasn't part of it all. Plus, why would I want my child being friends with the children of people like that? What kind of values are they teaching their kids?

My kids have found their own way and made a couple of close friends each. I too have made my own friends and don't need these shallow playground twats in my life.

Look at SEN groups and make friends there. Introduce your son to the people that really get it.

The mums tend to organise the play dates at this age so it does depend a lot on who the mums are friends with unfortunately (and I'm not in the 'in crowd' with my second dc.) plus dc2 has up until recently had some challenging behaviour so we don't get many invites either. I knew a mum who use to take little Fred and their friend out to quite expensive events only to find that in the last few years of primary, the dcs no longer wanted to play together (when the dcs start deciding who they want to be friends with). I find the school run a bit uncomfortable now that my older dc's mums are no longer at the school gate (and we can have a chat etc.) I think that Marshmallow has given some good advice.

In a way children's friendships are gatekeepers for parental friendships.... My eldest is v sociable and lovely, she has many friends and automatically I'm now friends with her friends parents. Almost without noticing.

My youngest is autistic and shy and it's been a struggle for me to get any traction going which I need to do because he needs to be supported!

Totally get this human nature is pretty crap at times, that is all I can say,some people selfishly go on a rampage to meet there needs to survive the social Acceptance initiation. and don't give frankly a damn about anyones feelings. in pursuit of that. And those that are at the receiving end of that., over compensate for those that are social feeders eating up all the love and energy and approval they can leach out of every situation.
And what gets me is its these people that seem to get the love and approval and for the most part they aren't even nice people.They gloat in the face of others who are born with what feels like no skin where ones sensitive nature feels every jibe that for others may go unnoticed. life is crap at times. And people are really crap at times.Really glad I am not alone in this and it becomes a vicious circle we get hurt by exclusion so we are aware to not hurt others in this way .only to then feel angry when others don't have the same awareness.And school don't get me started a prison that we all have to report to for the next 15 years of our lives. and its starting to get under my skin now I sometimes wish I could get a pair of scissors and set us free.I am starting to hate what school stands for and I feel totally trapped by it.And all those shadow places that one wants to run from one is faced with.i hope all that are going through this experience find the strength and beauty in ones self to realise just how totally awesome you all are.And if others can't see the beauty of who you are move on to greener pastures.

Oh OP, I've been where you have and know what you're going through. Just wanted to say you're not alone, they're not your tribe and it's their loss.

I used to torment myself a the school gates on a daily basis, made even worse by a Queen Bee who took great delight in inviting every single other person round to hers and purposefully excluding me. At first, this was painful and humiliating. Then, I managed to shift my perspective and began to find it quite funny. It was like being in an episode of Motherland!

If they can't see how fabulous you really are, frankly it's their loss. Would you really want to spend time with people who don't appreciate you properly? Concentrate on being you, happy in your own skin, and I guarantee that when you're least expecting it, somebody lovely will be drawn to what makes you you.

it baffles me that people would shun a little kid because they might be worried he's going to have a meltdown/ or they don't like the mum, my only 2 theories as to why invites are not coming out way

I think parents are scared of special needs, they don't understand.

As for shunning a child because they don't like the mother/father, yes that definitely happens. I was amazed how long parents controlled their childrens' friendships for.

Parental friendships can be the best - funny, supportive, a mental reset and the worst - competitive, snobby, baffling all at the same time.

My kids are now teens so I've been a part of and observed a lot over the years. I draw comfort from the phrase 'friends for a reason, season or lifetime' . Some of the baby based friendships were really valuable at the time but when all turned cliquey it was time to move on.

Different year groups can have a very different atmosphere so don't give up!

My sons just started a new school, he has ASN.

I chat to mums briefly but not in deep conversation.

My son has started to make friends at school.

Does your son go to after school clubs? Anyone he can make friends with there?

The thing is, they don't need to see one another outside of school to be friends. It took me a long time to realise that.

Some people live in bubbles where everyone thinks and does the same thing. If you are someone from a different background, different issues (particularly medical diagnoses for you or child) the playground crew often just don't know how to deal with it and therefore don't/won't.

Friends I've made through parent situations are those also struggling with some issue with their child or are struggling themselves with something or are from a different background. Seems to make us more understanding of others' situations and happy to listen and care.

But yeah, sucks. DS is a delight to be around, but no other parents see him at his best really or for other reasons think he would be too difficult on a play date. Sucks big time. But....they are clearly not that accommodating (and tbf, all parents are shattered and have stuff going on so anything 'extra' is probably too much. Some of us just have to deal with the extra stuff on top....but would we 'choose' to if we could?).

Find the other misfits! They are there and probably desperate for company.

I echo No need find the mixed groups, avoid the ones which all look the same.
Around here it's the group's with women all the same age, 'look', 'values' that tend to be intolerant of different and tend to bitch about deviation from the groupthink. They also explode every now and then with in fighting.
Build a diverse group - it takes time but that social contact can be really valuable

I would wright them off. And focus on making new friends with your little baby. Go to some some different classes and make and effort. Sometimes it takes a while to find your tribe!