So when you’ve got to the point of not wanting to see your in-laws for meals etc, do you let your dh and dc go without you?

[Lardlizard]

Or would you wave them on the way and have a nice bit of time to yourself ?

They are nuts and you can’t argue with crazy but they’ve been rude to me more than once too often now, so I’ve drawn a line with them

I wish. I still go, grudgingly. And play PIL bingo to keep me sane.

I just don’t want to spend time in their company anymore
The odd five mins here or there I’ll put up With but I can’t tolerate them for longer than that
Trust me they are so rude and nuts

Part of me thinks I shouldn’t let dh n the kids go without me as in-laws will probably love that !! But part of me thinks just don’t go there anymore

I told DH to take the DCs without me, and that I would expect that the minute they said anything rude about me he would stand up and walk out with the kids. He did this once and since then FIL has turned over a new leaf and we are all in speaking terms again. I think he just needed to make it clear that he would be pleasant and civil as long as FIL was too and stick to it.

I go erratically just so it’s not an expected thing. It’s nice for Dh to spend time with them by himself.

...and I like my in laws!

DH happily gave up coming to family reunions on my side of the family about five years ago. He'll host if they are here for Christmas and he comes to funerals. But he hasn't willingly seen my parents for five years and I can't blame him. I actually find it less stressful to handle my dad without my DH reacting to him too. Could be easier for your DH if he takes DC and you stay home. Say you are working.

I like my in laws but I love it when dh and the kids go without me. I think the in laws can be more themselves with the kids without me there and I love the time I get to myself.
Just wave them off.

Depends how crazy they are and what they are likely to say/do in front of your kids.

I like Xiaoxiong 's tactic of getting her DH to walk out with the kids if anything rude was said about her. It's wrong to put your kids through anything disturbing or distressing. There' s a case for stopping the kids from going to see your PIL, too, depending what they're like.

I go to support DH. Yes yes to PIL bingo - we play that too!

I don't think there is any need to trail around as a family all the time, my DH gets on well with my parents but I accept that they are my parents and certainly don't expect him to accompany me on all visits, equally he visits his siblings alone, sometimes I go too, sometimes I don't. There is no need to 'manage' other people's relationships & I do tend to think some women are a bit controlling about who their children & patner do or don't see. I have a friend who just can't accept that it would be better all round if her DH spent time with his relatives on his own, she insists on going too, ends up miserable & her DH is caught in the muffle. .

Middle not muffle

That’s the way l would handle it. Life is too short. My in-laws are great but my ex-in-laws were a nightmare so l can relate to this!

I can't trust my DH to pull my in laws up when they get a bit weird so no, I see them too. I get fed up though and it causes arguments at home because it shouldn't be my job to reign them in when they start heading down inappropriate avenues, and it certainly doesn't help my already strained relationship with them.

We keep contact minimal though so only see them a few times a year and for short stints- for precisely the above reason.

It’s not up to you to “let” him, or the DC, see his parents

i think letting your own issues with pil get in the way of their continued relationship with their child and gc is incredibly selfish.

if you have a problem you step back and enjoy the freedom.

I go sometimes. I love my PIL but FIL is reverting after many years of being quite reasonable to a Victorian patriarch mode of operating and has done a couple of things which I find cruel and controlling. DC are adults/ teens so it's up to them whether they go too. I have to work some weekends, which gives me a reason not to join in the family trips, and the rest of the time I can escape by going to the library as I am studying for a PG qualification alongside full time work. I just don't have the headspace to deal with my feelings of anger towards FIL and resentment towards DH that he won't acknowledge how damaging FIL's actions are.

Yes! I stepped away from my nightmare MIL and only see her a couple of times a year, it's great. She only ever says two things to me now which are :
"How's work?" ( She has no idea what I do.)
"How's your Mum and Dad?" ( She has not seen or spoken to them for about 12 years.)
I say "Fine thanks", twice and we all pretend there's no problem. DH pops round as much as he likes and then moans to me about them. Happy days.

Yes that’s the problem I’ve got to Decide re the kids going there without me to pull them up
Youngest is too young to be too affected by them but the eldest is 12
Doesn’t like going there often upset when she returns
They get in at her arm out alsorts
Very single time she sees them they ask her what she’s hung to do for a job when she’s older
Then if she tells them ideas in the last they will say gay won’t be good because xyz and you can’t do that etc
She’s now taken to saying I don’t know

Fil esp makes digs at her and winds her up

They say nasty racist and sexist stuff all the time and make comments about other people’s weight etc
For eg they will often say the same comment
That that in McDonald’s they can’t believe how fat people are and when they see fat people in there they feel like saying you shouldn’t be eatting that
And mil is about 5ft 5 and and about ten stone and goes on about how disjusting overweight she is
So I certainly think they can say damaging things around my 12 year old
Also things like women shouldn’t be allowed maternity leave as it’s not fair on businesses and that people shouldn’t be allowed to report rapes after a certain amount of time when taking about Jimmy savell

Plus so much racist brexit pro Donald trump shite you just couldn’t make up

So I’m fine about not going and she going
But I’m not sure about allowing my kids there without me

Well, fuck that. You have a duty to protect your kids from people like that.

So does your husband.

Don't send the kids.
They sound like nasty toxic people and I wouldn't subject my kids to it. If DH isn't happy about it just tell him they didn't want to go.

I’m glad you don’t just think it’s me being over sensitive
As I do feel harsh banning my dc from seeing them
We already do v low contact
But I don’t think I can be around them much or at all so I’d rather not
But like I siad don’t like THe thought of not being there when this type of shite is said

Dh won’t pull them up on it
And says why are you letting them get to you

He’s very weak really when it comes to his parents
But he also doesn’t enjoy seeing them but doesn’t want to cut contact
He’s an only so at least we are not missing out on cousins and aunts n uncles by avoiding them

Thanks for your advice