Anyone else sick of fun dad (your ex) getting more respect than you when they do bugger all?!

[CointreauHotChocolate]

Hi,

So I suspect this will have a bitter tone throughout, but hey, I guess I'm bitter.

Ex and I broke up several years ago now, coming up to 10 and we both have new DPs. I am married and ex is engaged.

It was a messy split initially, but things soon settled and we buried a lot of issues for the sake of our DD. That's not to say that ex wasn't being a bit of a dick a lot of the time. Turning up hungover when picking up DD, sometimes not turning up at all, not paying CM without being pushed and pushed, but buying himself swanky clothes and watches and spending most nights in the pub, spending god knows how much! Not making a real effort with DD when he did turn up. Asking me what to do with her, where to take her and even asking if he could drop her off early because he's run out of things to do with her

For the first couple of years, ex had numerous GFs and would introduce DD to a few, when knowing the relationship would go nowhere. One being a mum from DD's school. Classy Then he met his now GF and he seemed to settle down.

Pretty much their entire relationship though, his GF hasn't made much of an effort with DD. Several occasions she's been too hungover to get out of bed and see DD, even though they haven't seen her for several weeks.

Over the past few months though, things seem to have changed and they have suddenly decided they want more to do with DD. Don't get me wrong, I'd be more than happy for them to make more effort and have more of a healthy influence in DD's life, but nothing has changed and now DD is nearly a teen, she's starting to blame me for everything and believes I have stopped her dad from seeing her more, when in actual fact, I have been the one to remind him that he needs to see her!

I don't want to hurt DD with the truth, but when I'm being blamed for everything and being asked why DP and I aren't as fun as her dad and GF (which basically means we don't let her do what she wants, when she wants, swear, eat junk etc) it's difficult to keep quiet about the reality.

He is "fun dad" now and I am "boring mum". Which basically means he gets on with his life 95% of the time doing what the hell he likes, with no parental responsibility and the other 5 % taking his DD to KFC, watch DVDs all day with her, whilst apparently slagging me off, so clearly this means he is dad of the year to DD.

I honestly do believe that his GF has grown fond of DD, but she is being spoken about as though she is another mum and she doesn't do anything for DD. Nothing. She now sends her the odd "love you so much baby" message, but it seems completely false. She probably doesn't even know when her birthday is or what year she's in at school.

Who gets her up for school every day? Who washes her clothes, cooks her breakfast,lunch and dinner? Who listens and helps with her problems? Who helps with her ever increasing homework? Who fights for extra help at school? Who puts a roof over her head, buys her clothes? Who worries about her safety, her happiness, all the time?

I'm not claiming to be a super mum. I'm doing my job as a mum and yes, some of these things aren't possible for them to be as involved in, but they could be doing so much more.

He never calls her, never asks me how she's getting on at school. He doesn't know her.

DD asked me the other day why I don't let her go to theirs at Christmas time (she does, just not Christmas day) and he's clearly been telling her this was the case, but in reality he wants to go out all Christmas eve and get hammered and get up on Christmas day when he liked. He couldn't do that with DD around. That would be a massive inconvenience, but I can't tell her that. I called her bluff and said that if that's what she wanted, then fine and she looked horrified and started back tracking and said that she didn't mean this year or next year. In other words, she doesn't really want to go. They wouldn't know what to do with her and deep down she knows this.

Anyway, this is getting long, so I'll stop now, but if anyone has any advice on how to handle it or can just relate, I'd be very grateful.

Thank you.

Anyone?....

They wouldn't know what to do with her and deep down she knows this

So she knows. Yes, you’ll be the parent she pushes against and rebels against, because you’re the only parent who’s actually parenting.

In return you get a lot of hassle and hard work and little thanks, but also your daughter’s trust... and one day her thanks, I’m sure.

That sounds really tough OP.
I can’t even imagine it but one day she will know who was there for her and appreciate all you did.

The father of my two oldest is like this. It’s so tiring living my life with our children and my other younger children, with him popping in and out, doing a shit job, but I’m the bad guy as I have bedtimes and actual meals and stuff x 😂

My sons have the same kind of father but worse really when I was working he would ring me and drop the kids off at my workplace he would ring and yell at me while I'm working when my job ended suddenly he wanted his kids suddenly he wants to know them our six year old doesn't want to know our ten year old goes if he has nothing better to do comes back and moans 🤷‍♀️ kids arnt stupid they know who does what for them

It's really tough for you.

If it makes you feel any better I think it happens to a degree when parents are still together....

You need to find an acronym for DAD that makes you smile because hes a sperm donor parent who dips his toe in the parenting waters once in a while, not an active Dad. He's not competition either. The foundations you've put in are the solid ground your DD is standing on to test her boundaries. Bouncing of boundaries is like a virtual hug, it gives children security.

Each time your DD says 'but Dad let's me' or 'Dad says..', or 'when I'm with dad... 'you can then just smile, nod, ignore and move on.

Devil And Dickhead
Dreadfull Arogant Dunce
Dramatic Arse Dogbreath

Thank you for the replies so far.

@FriedasCarLoad, when I step back, yes, I know deep down she really does know, but there's a bit of anger there anyway I think, but she's aiming it at the wrong person.

@ItStartedWithAKiss241 and @slipperywhensparticus, I hear you.

@RippleEffects, 😂 Brilliant! Great tip👍

And so it begins again tonight....

For a minute there I thought you were my pal! Exact same story. But that was a decade ago. Her kids are in their 20s now. And have kids of their own.
He has cried off at the last minute so many times and broken their hearts and now theirs and his grandkids little hearts that their mums (my pals daughters) now fully understand what he’s like and think he’s a waste of space. They have independently thanked their mum for everything she’s done as they see now how little he did, all the girlfriends he was more interested in keeping happy, the crying off taking his kids for the day as there was the possibility of a shag with some random burd from the pub that couldn’t be missed.... Yeah. They see him for what he is now. And yours will see you too and know. In time. Because you’ve protected them from the awful truth he’s a dick who only cares for them when it suits him. You’re a great mum and a great example to you children.

Mine are 16 and 19 and yes it’s been hard trying to co parent with Disney dad. But now it’s biting him on the arse, both of them think he’s a complete dickhead and totally recognise the hard graft and tough love over the years. Hang on in there.

Seen this over and over agin and to an extent I would say that was what I was like with my parents. It definitely comes back to a state of natural justice though. 15 year olds+ soon work out the reality.

@RippleEffects I've screenshot that and I'm going to mutter it under my breath every time I hear "I miss my dad"

Thank you, @Elieza. All sounds depressingly familiar. The thing is, I do know she'll realise in the future, but I'm not really looking forward to that either, because she'll be heartbroken when the penny drops.

Sorry to all who can relate

You'll have to sit her down and tell her the truth, in an age appropriate way. Otherwise, she has a shit useless Dad and will pull away from her loving mother due to thinking you have deprived her of her shit useless Dad. Then she has no one.

She's basically begging you for the truth. Tell her.

Op I hate this phrase but your her safe space... like you said she knows. Can let her frustrations out on you because your always there. Don't lower yourself to slagging him off. Keep doing what your doing. Let her spend more time around them and the facade will soon come to an end

You have to let her know what has gone on. I’ve two pals who always did the same as you, one now no longer has contact with her ds or grandchild as dad of the year spun stories of trying to contact when younger, all lies. The other ended up having a breakdown as her dd takes her dads side in everything despite only getting in contact when she was late teens. Both the dads have loads of money to splash around as they didn’t have to give up everything to raise children.

Sounds exactly like how it is with me and my ex @CointreauHotChocolate You just have to be steady and reliable mum, that’s what she really needs. That’s what I give my son and I know he appreciates it deep down.

Sorry for my delay in replying. Things have been a bit hectic

I'm really nervous about telling her the truth. Mainly because she will be crushed, but also it will damage my relationship with her dad, which I need to stay somewhat amicable. He is the sort to take it out on her if he realises I've exposed the reality.