Awkward friend situation

[bumblybumblingbee]

Name changed for fear they are on here!

I used to go out regularly with two close friends who are both godparents to my children. One of the friends (friend A) then changed jobs and doesn't get in touch very often now. The trouble is, when she does get in touch, she has make it clear that she'd rather meet up without friend B. She says she thinks the friendship between them has run its course and she'd rather I met them both separately.

The thing is, friend B only knows that she no longer hears from friend A, and she assumes I don't either (this was true for a long while so I didn't correct her). Now I sometimes see friend A, but I feel like I have to keep it secret to avoid hurting friend B or her asking why she wasn't invited.

It makes me feel like a right bitch and I hate it, and I worry sooner or later she'll find out and feel left out. But I can't think what else to do, other than tell her what friend A said or stop meeting friend A altogether. I realise this situation is ridiculous for a grown woman, but WWYD to avoid upsetting my great friend B?

You could just breezily mention you saw A for coffee...

I agree, casually mention that you saw A for a coffee/ drink next time you do so. If asked, she didn't mention why she hadn't seen B, it was very informally arranged and you dont see much of her these days anyway since she moved. That way you're not lying, or pretending to B that you are incommunicado with A too but aren't put in the position of go-between since B is aware your friendship with A has got much more casual too. If B wants to know what's going on, she can contact A directly.

Yes, casual mention is the way to go. It's a bit mean of friend A, but as long as you are keeping up with Friend B, the dynamics between them aren't your concern. Don't get drawn into speculating why friend A hasn't been in touch otherwise you will feel like you're lying to her.

Thank you all - you are right, casual and breezy will be the way forward. I just know that she will wonder why she wasn't invited along too. If it was up to me, she would be.

I still see friend B all the time (far more than friend A) and I agree that it is a bit unkind of friend A - but if I stop seeing her as a result then that doesn't solve anything really, I suppose. Apart from I won't feel like I'm leaving someone out, which makes me feel rubbish!

I mean, she will wonder why I didn't invite her along - why I didn't call her and say 'Hey, friend A has asked to meet for coffee - fancy coming along?' And I can't really explain why!

I'm going to go against the other replies and say tell B the truth. B will be hurt if she knows you keep meeting with A and think you both don't want to see her when the reality is it's only A who doesn't want to see B and that it could put your friendship with B at risk if she feels you are both snubbing her/.

Honesty is good in principle as B would know where she stands but do you know what has actually happened between them? It might be that B has inadvertently said or done something to piss off A but she will be back in touch at some point at which point you will have put yourself in the position of having interfered.

I was in a situation not a million miles away from this and was honest (there was a bit more to it, 'A' was bad mouthing 'B' and divulging a lot of 'B's very personal info to her employees so I thought it right to let 'B' know what was happening) and am now the bad guy as they have made up. Should've just said nowt.

Just mention you’ve seen A and if B questions why she wasn’t invited act casually and say you just assumed A wanted to talk over some things one to one with you as she didn’t mention including B.
You shouldn’t have to pass on what A has said about how she feels, keep it neutral and leave A to pass on the truth of how she feels if B contacts her. Also, if you do say anything to B, that would only make B feel that you’ve been going behind her back and talking about her - and you haven’t, you’re stuck in the middle and don’t want to offend B.
All friends within a group need to respect individual confidences and it shouldn’t mean one can’t see another without the other present.
Good luck, practise how you’ll say it - easier maybe over the phone when chatting about something else perhaps?

Gah!! I had this. But it was slightly more blatant than
that. They had fallen out, and expected me to fall out with the other person too! Despite it having nothing to do with me.

It was crackers! I told them their issues nothing to do with me, hoped they would sort it out in time, but as far as I was concerned they were still my friends, albeit now seperately.
Ground rules had to be laid down though. No discussing of each other being the main one. No questions asked,however well meaning as keeping confidence was important to keep trust and be loyal.

It's still not easy, 3 years later, one tries to catch me out to see if I've mentioned anything and the other asks questions which i have to say I can't answer.
They both think the other has 'won' me in their 'divorce'.
Damn stupid way to behave, but I'd be honest. I had to be when i was being asked to choose.

It wasn't easy. And it still isn't.
But be honest. Sooner the better. At least it shows you are honest and loyal. Not youre fault you are caught in the middle.

Sorry! A lot of honesty's in there!!
It did come down to trust and honesty with them, or i would have lost them both.
But its never been quite the same.

Thank you again, lots to think about here.

@Redshoesandtheblues it really is a silly way to behave, isn't it? In a way, I feel it would be easier if they had fallen out, as then they would both know at least. But this way, friend B is sadly wondering what's happened, and the only answer is that friend A "feels the friendship has run it's course" for no apparent reason!

I want to be honest for my own sanity, but it just feels so hurtful to basically say, she doesn't like you anymore, only me! Also @Italia2005 is right, it makes it sound like we've been talking about her when I really haven't.

To be honest, if I had to choose, I'd choose friend B because she has genuinely done nothing wrong that I know of anyway. But I'm not sure that I really do have to choose!

Thank you for all your helpful comments.

Could you try being honest with friend A and tell her that you are uncomfortable with leaving B out because she isn't aware that A no longer wants to be friends with her and suggest all doing something together again

I think A has actually put you in a really difficult position, and I'd be feeling quite angry with her. She must know that B is going to wonder why things have changed, and is likely to ask you about it.

I think you should tell A that B has asked after her, and that she needs to explain her feelings gently but directly to B. If A refuses then I think she is telling you something about herself (that she would rather put you in an awkward situation than deal with it herself) and I would probably cool my friendship with her anyway.

Tricky.
Presumably A and B have each others contact details but only interact through you?
I would just keep meeting them seperately and not 'explain' anything to B.
A doesn't have to explain herself really and it would be false to insist they meet.
If it comes up in conversation, I wouldn't explain what A said to B and I wouldn't make a big deal of meeting her occasionally either. To some extent you need to normalise with B the fact that your friendship is now a twosome.