Have you managed to help your pre-teen child lose weight?

[WallyWallyWally]

I'm feeling like a terrible parent atm.

DS aged 12 is overweight. It was picked up by the Dr at a routine appt last year: he said it wasn't anything to worry about as long as he didn't gain, and that his height would catch up with his weight in due course. Well one year on he hasn't really grown upwards, and he has definitely gained a bit more.

I know his diet isn't ideal. He eats too many carbs and not enough protein / fat / veg. He has been a picky eater forever. When he was younger, I took the path of offering healthy food and letting him decide, while trying to encourage him to choose healthier things - then gave in on lots of things just to get him to eat something. Well, that turned out to be all wrong: he is still as picky as ever and seems incapable of making good food choices.

He won't eat:

Eggs, in any form
Cold meat of any sort - ham, chicken,
Cheese, milk, plain yoghurt, butter
Most veg and no salad other than plain lettuce. No raw veg.
Soup of any sort
Fish other than white fish in breadcrumbs, or baked
Any kind of dip - hummus, etc

He will eat:

Meat / chicken, in pretty much any sauce - I can hide some veg in these.
Bread, pasta, couscous, rice, wraps - anything carb
Broccoli and lettuce
All fruit
And any kind of rubbish /treats - biscuits, crisps, sweets, desserts, jam, chocolate spread.

DH and I generally eat quite low-carb, and just add in some rice / pasta for DS and his brother. Dinners are generally okay i think. The problems are breakfast (ends up being dry cereal and toast with jam as he won't contemplate eating eggs. ATM it's porridge with a banana and some sugar on top) and lunch (ends up being pasta pesto, bacon sandwich, beans on toast plus a sweetened yoghurt and fruit).

He has school lunches and I can't control what he eats there. I suspect he skips the veg, eats extra bread and carbs, plus a dessert most days (we are in France, packed lunches are not allowed here, and his cantine is self-service so they don't get made to choose or eat veg). Plus, since starting secondary he's been walking home with friends and going to the sweet shop en route, pooling any money they have and sharing the sweets / fizz. He gets 2 euros a week - this doesn't buy much but he has generous friends! I am so torn - the social aspect of doing this with his friends is so important to him and I suspect that if I tried to ban him, he would just go anyway and not tell me.

Sports.. he's active during term-time: lunchtime sport 2 days a week for about an hour each time, plus an hour each of swimming / parkour and gym outside school. he walks to school and back every day, 15 minutes each way. He loves his screen time, but during term time it's probably about an hour in the evening after homework etc is done, plus some tv after dinner.

Please tell me how you've helped your pre-teen lose weight. I'm so confused by what I've read online. I've tried talking directly to him, from a "being healthy" pov: he gets very defensive and upset.. then 5 minutes later is asking for biscuits. He knows he is heavier than his friends, and that he finds sport harder work. He is self-conscious at having a belly. We are already doing lots of the things recommended - but with him being so resistant to changing his diet, I don't know what else to do.

I am awake worrying about this too, OP.

@NewyddJobbio

flowers to you too.

I got a real wake up call today, and saw him with his top off for the first time in a while. We’ve been on holiday for a week and a half, out of the usual routine. DH is away helping his aged parents, I’ve got a disc problem so not very mobile or energetic, and we’ve spent far too long watching films / gaming, eating holiday «treats».

Do you think it’s better to talk openly about weight, health, changing diets? Or to not mention it at all and stealthily remove all forms of sugar from the house? And claim I’ve «forgotten» to buy bread / jam / yoghurt for weeks on end?

I was an overweight teen and now an obese adult. Everyone else in my family and all my friends were normal weight or under. Two people in my family had an eating disorder.
I know my Mum tried from quite an early age to get me to lose weight.
Its very difficult indeed. I DO think a loving, honest conversation is in order here. I sometimes do this whilst say... Driving or doing something else so it's not too face to face and confrontational. Regardless of weight, his diet is not acceptable. Is he genuinely unable to eat these things or does he just prefer other items? Eggs are so versatile for example.
It's fine to say how unfair it is that his friends are able to eat sweets and not have the same affects but they will go home and eat proper food! People react differently to food and that's life, it's unfair but he needs to accept it. The social thing and pooling of money, he needs to make better choices. Nutty bars, pepperami type things, would be marginally better as they're e more filling.

Go to your gp and ask for help. My friends dd went on an nhs programme with her mum which covered a lot of it.

Banana and porridge, beans on toast, yogurt and fruit isn’t a horrendous diet for a teenage boy tbh! It’s probably more a case of how much he eats. Porridge could me made with skimmed milk or even water. Sugar on the porridge could be swapped for sweetener. Is he eating out of habit or boredom?

Looking at what he will eat, there are lots of healthy things there. It sounds like portion size may be the issue.
If you and your dh don’t snack then don’t buy crisps, biscuits and sugary yoghurt. Just don’t have them in the house.
He likes fruit and can always fill up on wholemeal toast and peanut butter..

If he gets upset , I wouldn’t try to discuss it,

Thank you all. I feel a little more positive this morning.

Since he won’t eat plain yoghurt, can I swap to yoghurts with sweeteners? Are sweeteners okay for children? I’m loath to drop the yoghurts as it’s the only dairy he has - doesn’t drink milk, porridge is made with water, doesn’t eat cheese (except rarely on toast).

I am going to get rid of the biscuit tin. You’re right, DH and I don’t ever eat them. We already phased out crisps - I just stopped buying them. We do often have apero (snacky stuff before meal) at the weekend but DS is happy with a handful of nuts.

Should I get him to weigh himself and we plot it on his height / weight chart and show him how the two are out of whack. That’s what the Dr would do.

Portion size... I can reduce this and it may well be an issue, but tbh he often leaves food on his plate and rarely If ever asks for more.

Is he genuinely unable to eat these things or does he just prefer other items?

Who knows? He has been ultra picky since he was a Toddler. He seems to really dislike the texture of lots of things. I never forced it when he was younger as I didn’t want a daily battle at dinner, and assumed he’d grow out of it. He is well able to go to friends houses and eat whatever their parents dish up, he’s polite enough to try everything and reject it politely. He will do the same at home - more or less. He just won’t eat it.

I've known DSS for about 6 years now since he was 10. He was previously very overweight, didnt have a great diet with mum (lots of processed foods and takeaways, cake bars and additional unnecessary treats in lunch boxes and sugary drinks) and did no exercise. His was physically attached to his playstation. He was quite self conscious about his weight and had a reoccurring cough/wheeze which the GP said wasnt asthma but he couldn't seem to shift it either. I have a fairly active lifestyle so we got out lots for walks as a family, swimming and to the local green gyms, and ate healthy dinners together. I do really but junk for the house so it isnt available. Hes got more interested in healthy life styles now so does boxing and eats well of his own accord and I would say is now a healthy weight to look at him. The only thing is because a lot of people commented (mum claimed he wasnt overweight when he clearly was and that it was just 'puppy fat' and PIL went out about him losing too much weight- he wasnt and I personally think if you're exercising reasonably and feeding your body you cant go wrong really) he is now very body conscious and a bit food wary.

Hi
I was an overweight preteen and the teenage years will get very hard if you don’t tackle this now.
A few suggestions:
Be kind and loving and not judgemental
No snacks/sugar/biscuits in the house
Low carb dinner if you can: try making pizzas with broccoli or cauliflower base, you can get low carb pasta
Would he drink a healthy vegetable smoothie for breakfast?
No fruit juices
Would he be slowly reduce sugar for breakfast?

Definitely try and introduce more sports. Could he go swimming (ideally a class). Is there something else in your area he might enjoy: cycling club, basketball, ice hockey etc...
Does he cook? Can you get him involved in cooking healthy meals? It’s important that he learns about food and gets involved.

And lastly, any other issues? Is he using food to deal with any problems like school
or friends issues? A lot of people are emotional eaters to and eat more when they are unhappy.

All the best

Don’t get a height/weight chart. I am sure he knows and can see his friends are slimmer too!

I’m in the same boat with my 10 yr old.hes got autism ,and every time I’ve tried to discuss weight with camhs at appointments I get told it’s normal for asd kids to eat more due to sensory issues,
I’ve just stopped buying any junk full stop.nothing at all.
A treat now is a smoothy

Don’t give him yoghurt with sweeteners. If he doesn’t eat plain yoghurt with added fruit and a bit of sugar or honey then a normal fruit yoghurt is ok.
Most of the food you’ve listed is fine.
I helped my preteen cut back by cutting out bread and snacks like croissants and biscuits.
If he’ll eat fruit, tell him to eat some fruit and have some water before he reaches for the biscuits. He’ll probably not want any after or have only 1.
Get him out and about more. Go for walks, bike rides, swimming, tennis, football or frisbee in the park.

I’ve also cut down his portion size back to a child’s portion,he’s not happy .but this was all done a month a go ,and he’s not complaining as much now.
I’m treating all the family the same regarding treats and meals ,so no one feels got at or singled out .

@AdriannaP

We already have one: every child in France does as they all have «carnet de santé» where all their vaccinations, height / weight etc are recorded until they are 16-18. He usually has a yearly checkup at the dr as they need medical certs to do sports. So the first thing the dr would do is weigh / measure him.
Swimming he already does, plus parkour, gym, handball and badminton weekly. We don’t do much exercise as a family - DH cycles and goes to the gym, I’ve done yoga but am not a good role model in this respect: I’ve had disc prolapse problems for a long time which gave out me off exercising.

Cooking,,, yes he will but he’s not really interested. And tbh we end up falling out as he arses about so much. But maybe I need to unclench about that and let him have his (annoying and messy) fun.

Other issues... I don’t know. I don’t think so: he seems pretty spot at school, he’s a sociable person and has a nice core of friend, male and female.

Could you DH take him cycling too?

Cooking: just try and be relaxed and it will help you bond! I am doing it with a 4 year old, can’t be much messier than that. Lots of great ideas on low carb/keto boards and books: low carb muffins (with veg), waffles, pizzas with veg base,... fairly easy but still delicious.

Ds1 had a tendency to grow outwards and then upwards. By the time he started year 6 (10 years old) he was 91st centile, and then luckily when they weighed him at the end of year 6 he was a 75th centile weight.

I was very honest with him about it, mainly focusing on health rather than weight. I used to make a hidden vegetable sauce for pasta, Annabel Karmel does a 7 veg one.

I would increase up the protein side of the meal and reduce down the carbs side, plus take all the snack stuff out and when you do a pre-meal snack let it be healthier. As mentioned by PP vegetable smoothie, you would be amazed at what you can get a child to drink. Pineapple will sweeten a lot. I recommend Jason Vale on YouTube.

Reading all this with great interest. My son is only 4, but the poor thing has a tendency to straddle the line between healthy and overweight on the centile charts. Trying to get into better habits for him now.

@NotQuiteUsual

DS has always been very tall for his age, so being high up on the percentile line wasn't a problem. He's always been "big", was a big baby (4.6kg) always had a bum and a tummy even as a toddler - it's partly just his shape. DS2 is totally the opposite - straight up and down, beanpole, even taller (145cm at age). His weight gain has totally caught me unaware tbh. I know people are very dismissive of "puppy fat" these days, but I do hope that he'll have a growth spurt soon and shoot up a bit.

@AdriannaP Yes I do need to relax and et him enjoy it - hard to do when he grabs a sharp knife and starts banging it on a chopping board like a cartoon chef... or upends a bag of flour so half of it misses the bowl. He's always got to be a comedian, making people laugh is what he does - and he seriously misjudges his audience with me!

DH cycles to work daily, not for fun so much. And DS has outgrown his bike so we need to get him a new one.

I know this isn't very helpful but this is the exact age where kids start laying down fat ready for their massive teenage growth spurt. My 12 year old was always as skinny as a rake but suddenly has a little belly and his face looks rounded. I am not remotely concerned as his older brother was exactly the same, then all of a sudden - whoosh! - he was a nearly six foot bag of bones.

You don't say how overweight he is , but it may be that this will sort itself naturally over the next year.

I find being a full time working parent it's hard to prioritise meal prep as it seems healthy eating is mainly about that?

WallyWallyWally thank you! He's just had a massive growth spurt and he's back to the 60th centile, which is the lowest he's been. He's like your son, always been big, always been tall and the weight creeps on so slowly you just don't notice till it's quite a bit.

People really are so ready to dismiss it as puppy fat and it's just not helpful. My family, everyone is very slim from a young age and my husband's side there's some struggles with weight. I don't want my son struggling like some of my husband's family do, but out of everyone I know only my dad's partner is on board with helping me get him into good habits now. Everyone else just wants to feed him loads treats and huge portions since he loves his food so much.

I'd serve normal, healthy meals and not cater for his pickiness. This is what I do with my DC. If they don't finish their meals, they don't get a replacement, except maybe a piece of fruit a few hours later.
I was overweight until I was in my late 20s, and plunged into an eating disorder from there. My parents made many comments about my weight when I was a teen (I was a lot bigger than the rest of my family) and I do kind of carry that with me, even now. They were just trying to be kind and do the right thing by me, but restricting my food intake made me obsessive about sugar when I was given freedom.