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Original poster

Birthday fundraisers on FB (or similar)

21 replies

BonnesVacances · 29/10/2019 21:42

If you saw a friend had put a 'birthday fundraiser' on FB and you normally buy them a present, would you think that donating to the charity was instead of giving them a present? Genuinely confused about what the etiquette is in this scenario. I would still buy a present as I'd be happy to donate to a charity as well, but DH says he would assume that gifts were being forfeited in favour of the charity.

So I'm wondering what the MN jury think?

OP posts:

Fantababy · 29/10/2019 21:45

I'd assume the donation was the gift.

Jupiters · 29/10/2019 21:50

I would assume the gift is forfeited in favour of a donation.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/10/2019 21:57

When you do the birthday fundraising on Facebook, I think most people do it because it says FB will donate a few pounds (I think it’s £3) to the charity they choose if they do.

Depending on the person, they might still expect a present. Also depend what you donated I guess. I think donate should be enough though!

Drum2018 · 29/10/2019 21:58

I'd donate and not give a gift, if I was in the habit of buying friends a birthday gift, but I'm not. So personally when I see these fb fundraisers for friends random birthdays I just scroll by.

Original poster

BonnesVacances · 29/10/2019 22:05

Ok thanks. I feel really bad now as I shared a wishlist for DD's 18th birthday for a rescue that she volunteers for and I didn't give her the choice of donating her presents to charity, not realising that's what I was doing. I might have to get her some myself to make up for it.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 29/10/2019 22:07

Eh?

ChicCauldron · 29/10/2019 22:08

Can you cancel it and make a donation yourself? Why would you put up a charity request for a birthday that is not your own, how did you even do that?!

CalmdownJanet · 29/10/2019 22:11

Eh why the hell would you do that?? Irrespective of the gifts (and I really doubt anyone could be that stupid to think people would donate and gift) but you cannot ask for donations for someone else's birthday!! That is super cheeky, I'd be livid if I were your dd, not just because of the gifts but ask for donations for your own birthday not other peoples

CalleighDoodle · 29/10/2019 22:17

I cant believe you asked for donations instead of gifts for a birthday that isnt your own!

Original poster

BonnesVacances · 29/10/2019 22:27

It was just a general 'fundraiser', not an official FB one. A post saying it's DD's 18th and if anyone would like to get something from the rescue centre's Amazon wishlist, they'd be very grateful.

DD has been poorly for a very long time, so many people on my friends list have been following her progress and voluntary work there and did get something sent there. But then I realised that several people who usually send her a present didn't and I wondered if I'd inadvertently donated her 'presents' to the rescue!

DD knew about me posting about it but as she's been ill since she was 14 and isn't on social media, she didn't really know the implications either. I don't think she'll mind as she's passionate about the rescue, but I now realise she didn't make an informed choice because I'm a numpty. So I feel bad for her and will get her something to make up for it. That way both the charity and her have got something, which was my original idea.

I didn't think I was being greedy for her. It was just a way of people who know what she's been through to say thank you to the rescue who've been helping her, in honour of her birthday. But I've obviously got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 29/10/2019 22:59

Buying actual gifts for a rescue sounds even less likely you would buy a gift than just donating money...

RedSoloCup · 29/10/2019 23:02

I donated to my friends one and still bought a gift, I didn't feel obligated to do either but just did ....

ILoveAnOwl · 29/10/2019 23:28

We did this for my son's 2nd birthday- asked for donations for a charity that had really helped him during an awful few months. But we made it clear it was instead of gifts. He was 2 so didn't have a choice, but equally didn't understand what he was missing!

Disclaimer: I do now feel bad that I then didn't follow suit on my own or any subsequent birthdays... I plan to ask for donations for the charity on my 40th.

BackforGood · 29/10/2019 23:46

It would definitely have been seen as a "instead of giving me a gift, please spend the money on this charity INSTEAD" by people reading it, yes.
What an odd thing to do for someone else's birthday.

Jupiters · 30/10/2019 00:56

Following on from your update... I'd definitely have assumed picking something for the charity off their wishlist was her choice and was in lieu of a gift for her. More so as it's a physical thing off their wishlist and not just a monetary donation.

ChicCauldron · 30/10/2019 07:47

So you've already done this and know that your husband is right because your DD didn't get presents I can understand that you might feel protective over your DD if she has been ill, but I think you need to take a step back in future and let her decide what she wants to do for her birthday.

That way both the charity and her have got something, which was my original idea.

You wanted your friends to buy two gifts for your DD's 18th, one for her and one for the shelter - no, as you have found out your DH was right. It is is the fact that you did this for someone else's birthday and not your own that posters are having trouble coming to terms with. Fine to donate your own presents to charity, not someone else's!

Chewbecca · 30/10/2019 07:54

Yeah, instead.
I would have assumed this is what your DD asked for in lieu of a gift.
Could you and her have a good laugh about what a muppet you were assuming this was as well as?

SD1978 · 30/10/2019 07:55

I'd assume that the shelter gifts was instead of gifts for your daughter. I wouldn't assume to give to both- it's an either or scenario not a both. Have you explained to your daughter that she will not be recovering many gifts because of this post you put up?

Original poster

BonnesVacances · 30/10/2019 08:30

Could you and her have a good laugh about what a muppet you were assuming this was as well as?

Yeah definitely! It's not a big deal really, in the whole scheme of things. She's hardly missed out massively and the rescue has more things it wouldn't have had. It was only one person really, but I don't really want to single her out and focus on it. It was more trying to understand how the idea would have been interpreted.

Everyone else who usually buys her a present did, and some of those bought for the rescue too. Some who don't usually buy for her sent something to the rescue too. So most people did understand it how I'd meant it and I didn't think anything of it until she didn't get a present from her godmother. I was just wondering out loud whether it might have got lost, and DH said maybe she bought for the rescue instead.

I was only really aware of it as DD is the first to reach 18 in our group and her friends and I was hoping to get a feel from the others as to how to approach the presents in terms of whether it was seen as something extra special so to up the budget and/or get a keepsake or if it was just a normal one. It's all a bit of a minefield when your own 18 yo hasn't been to school for 4 years and pretty much stopped growing up at 14 so you're completely out of touch! I've now complicated it even more by trying to do something different! But like I said, it's not a big deal at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

BonnesVacances · 30/10/2019 08:38

All it means is that I don't have to worry about the present being lost (which would have been a problem if it had been something special/keepsake from her DGM) and it is very likely that she sent something to the rescue instead. Which is of course fine, and having slept on this, DD won't mind about that at all. I will of course fess up today and she'll roll her eyes at me and laugh, but it won't be more than that.

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Original poster

BonnesVacances · 30/10/2019 12:00

I can understand that you might feel protective over your DD if she has been ill, but I think you need to take a step back in future and let her decide what she wants to do for her birthday.

She is still ill. And she wanted to share the wishlist for her birthday. I just didn't realise it was "either" and I initially felt guilty that I should have done when I suggested it to her.

I realise you don't know the ins and out of her illness (she has severe ME), but I would dearly love to take a step back from managing her life but as her full time carer, that's sadly not possible at the moment. But I posted a question (in chat) about what people understood by these types of fundraisers. Not in AIBU about whether I'm overprotective or over-involved in DD's birthday.

OP posts:

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