how supportive should friends be?

[greenapplesred12]

I've got an old group of friends.
Their children are mostly grown up or teenagers, but I had a late third child who is still primary school aged. We have no babysitters around (as my older ones are at Uni) so when I go out, it tends to be with female friends, so dh can look after our dd. This group of friends have, over the past few years, started to mostly go out in groups with their partners/husbands/wives. It's harder for us to do that as we'd need to find and pay for a baby-sitter. We tend to do it only when the eldest is home from Uni so can babysit. We did have a sitter, but she moved away and was expensive, so it doubled the cost of a night out. Easier to go out with our friends separately. This group don't seem to want to have a night out unless their husband is there too. Nevermind the cost of childcare, it has altered the dynamic too. A night out with them feels totally different to one where our partners come along. A few times recently I've mentioned something we're doing with our youngest and they've said things like 'oh god, I'm so glad I'm past that stage with mine, thank God I don't have to do that anymore'. I'm just wondering more and more if I should even bother with them and if I should focus on friends who I can see without their husbands always in tow and who wont remind me that their life is a bit less complicated due to having older children?

Why, I'd just phase them out

I think by "supportive" you actually mean "accommodating". I appreciate it is difficult for you to juggle child care, but it is your problem I'm afraid, not theirs - as you say, you all have children past the childcare stage. If you don't want to socialise with them anymore, then don't, you dont have to, or go on your own - I'm single, so am used to that. These are the social sacrifices you make when you have children, they have done their bit and are at the next stage.

It’s not supportive your asking for though it’s for them to completely change their way of life in order to accommodate your lifestyle.

It isn’t their fault you don’t have babysitters.

Go out with them when you can and it fits, look to extend your friendship group.

I'd go on my own, but when the vast majority of get togethers seem to now involve partners, I'd feel a bit odd doing that!

It is a bit of a pain though that they always have their husbands I tow. That's a totally different night out to a catch up with 'the girls'

and I think what hurtful is that these are old friends of over a decade. It wouldn't be so hard to arrange the odd girls night out. I've tried but they want partners there. And the comments about how glad they are not to have small children, grate a little too..

Once you are past the primary stage (baby stage, toddler stage)it is very liberating. I'm sure they arent being mean about your child, but I genuinely am glad I don't have small children! Maybe you do need to find new friends for some occasions, you are at a v different stage of your life and need a social group who understands and can empathise.

yes, I guess so. I do have friends who like to meet up without their husbands. Some of them, I haven't even met their husbands! I just didn't realise that when children get older, most people stop going out with their female friends and start making everything 'couples only'.

I don't think it's strange that they want to go out with their husbands.. why wouldn't you want to socialise as a big group.
I think you're being a little selfish, if everyone else is happy then why should they change their plans just because it doesn't work for you.
I'd go when you can, and potentially find some other friends who have younger children.

I don't think it's strange that they want to go out with their husbands.. why wouldn't you want to socialise as a big group

Why wouldn't I want to socialise with their husbands? I didn't make friends with their husbands! They're fine, but it does alter the dynamic when they're there. We talk about different things and a group of 8 or 10 isn't as intimate as a group of 4 or 5. There are things I can talk to my female friends about which I wouldn't with a mixed group. I have other friends who meet up on their own without their husbands, so it's possible to do this.

It appears as though everyone else is more than happy to bring their husband, so you'll either have to lump it or leave it.

I guess so.

I think it is a bit unusual that your friends wouldn't want to have the occasional night out without partners. As you say it does change the dynamic having partners there as well, although I am being a bit of a hypocrite as dw and I always go out with our friends together but that's because we are same sex and have the same friends. However when I was married to my exh I would go out with my friends on own and he his, as well as together sometimes.

I would maybe find friends who have children similar age to your younger one so that you are at a similar stage of life again.

yes, I think I'm going to focus on other friends. We all went out as singles for years before the husbands were kind of foisted on us (one of their husbands wanted to make friends apparently, so they thought it would be good to introduce all the guys too) but it's altered the whole thing and I can hardly see them on their own these days. I make times for friends I like, so can only assume I was a fair weather mate, rather than a close mate.