Hi, So I'm going to try and explain the best I can and I apologise now if it’s a really long msg ha.
I met my partner NYE (actually Iv know him as a distant acquaintance for years but we met in a single person way NYE) we started dating and began a relationship it was great for 3 months and then he went 'weird' and backed off from our relationship but in a really complicated hurtful way and I wasn't get straight answers from him so have no idea what was going thru his mind in all honestly. Background information on him: He is married to the love of his life for 12 years- he’s 34, I’m 32. He has 2 kids, excellent father and pretty much has them 50% if not more which has never been a problem, I fully accepted them. They split in September 2019 we met NYE same year. He assured me completely he was over her, ready to move on etc and I trusted his response but now its apparent he just cannot to give himself to anyone else. He had previously seen / been with women before me so I thought he had had his rebounds etc and I really did think about this before getting involved. Anyway, we were kind of on and off and I feel pregnant in May. We were not in a good place and it was incredibly stressful and I miscarried in July (first pregnancy ever for me) In that hurt and confusion we tried for another baby- so stupid of me / us and I can’t even remember those few months in all honesty it’s a painful blur. I fell pregnant straight away in August. So, I’m 11 weeks pregnant. We aren’t together and I can’t cope with what feels like an emotional rejection from him. Why can’t he move on and commit to me like he said he would? Like other people do after a marriage breakdown. He says all the right things but when it comes to it, he really doesn't give himself to me or prioritize me / our relationship and I find it so hurtful I can’t let it go and know it’s not right so I have ended it.
So now I'm 11 weeks pregnant, he will be there as a father as he wanted this but I can’t cope with my not ideal situation. I was mad after the miscarriage to do this but can honestly say I wasn't emotionally sound at all in that point of time.
Has he done this to get back at his wife for leaving him? Using me and a baby as a pawn in his game hurts me and disgusts me (He said he didn’t do this and he fell in love with me)
I fear him loving someone else and given them all he promised with me, I fear him getting back with the wife (pretty sure she’s moved on and wouldn't, but still being irrational with my thoughts) I fear another woman bonding with my incredibly young baby. I hate that my 'ideal / fairy tale' image of how my pregnancy has been shattered.
I just can’t cope. I’m considering an abortion so I can just be out of this bad situation and leave him in my past. I have the consultation on 30/10 with the scan due on 1/11. I feel sick Iv left it late and would therefore have to have a surgery. I feel crazy guilt that I ‘planned’ this one and would have a termination. I fear I will regret it, I fear I will never meet someone and have a baby, (Im 32 and dating / settling down is horrendous and not often feels unobtainable lol- I was single for pretty much 4 years) I fear this will affect my fertility? Does it?
I have a great support network, good salary that will not be affected by my pregnancy as Im one of the directors HOWEVER Im £15k in debt so living at my aunties to clear it and then save up to buy and finally get settled. My aunty is incredible and is happy for me and wants me to to stay at hers with baby until I buy but I feel like a failure to my baby for not have my sh*t together in the first place. Im embarrassed as all my friends are in secure relationships and have this or have that and Im just here in my unideal mess. All my friends and family say you can do this, wev done it single (my mum and aunty) I know I will have more than enough support, My friend’s really root for me with girl power and how strong I am and Il be just fine etc etc but I feel in such a dilemma personally and mentally and I cant cope with me not being in a solid happy relationship. Even if he wanted to get back together I don’t know if I can forgive him or trust him so I have incredibly conflicted feelings. I don’t cope with rejection very well and am in therapy for and have been since the miscarriage.
I would love an outsider’s perspective re my dilemma and the abortion advice. Thank you in advance.
….From a very distressed young lady!!!