Selfish? Or self preservation?

[Darkclouds123]

My DP suffers with depression and anxiety.
We've been together 9 years, 2 DC (7&5).

I knew him before we were together, always the life and soul of the party, cheeky, charming, laid back. He admits now this was all a face he put on to hide the real him from the world.

We're now stuck in a cycle, and I say we, because although I know its him that's in pain, I'm hurting too, I know its him that's under the thunderstorm, but I'm also getting wet. It's so hard to explain. He occasionally seeks help (4 times so far), starts ADs, feels better or feels numb after a few weeks so stops taking them. He is having counselling atm but again that means he's stopped the medication as he doesn't believe he should do both.

I've done everything I can think of to help. He hates his job, I've encouraged and supported him to change it, to undertake training etc and yet he's only applied for 2 others in the last 5 years.

We agreed he could go part time to remove the need to pay for childcare and help his anxiety as he is often physically sick before going in, so he has worked 2 days per week for the last 5 years. I've picked up more hours to try to compensate.

He struggles to do much around the house, on a good week he probably does 25% on a bad week he doesn't manage that. I try to not show my frustration but occasionally it gets the better of me.

He doesn't drink, gamble or have any addictive behaviours other than over eating really. Since we've been together he's gone from a 34 waist to a 44. He refuses to buy any clothes as shopping can be a anxiety trigger, I buy them for him as best I can, but then feel guilty when he gets anxious that he has nothing to wear.

He says he can't cope with finances. So I deal with those.

Now I'm really starting to struggle myself, but I can't just dip out as there is noone to take my slack for a while.

I know this sounds like a 'woe is me' post, and I'm not sure what I'm even hoping to get from it, but I feel ashamed that I want to just stop, stop trying to help, stop trying to fix it and just let it be whatever it will be?

Can things ever get better? At what point do I make peace with being 'selfish' and putting my own MH first?

Hi there,

Don't think you are being selfish at all. Far from it, you've picked up the additional hours to help keep the money situation afloat. It sounds like you still have a lot to take care off around the house on top of your existing hours.

These things have to be a bit of give and take and whilst as a sufferer of depression and anxiety, I have sympathy with your husband, it does not sound as though he has considered the impact of your mental health, as a result of the pressure you face.

Well done for speaking out as it is not easy and I wish you luck from here.

💗I'm sorry I don't know any more than you about the possibility of things improving drastically in the future. I wish I could could be a beacon of hope for you as you are buckling under enormous strain working for those you love. However, based on the pattern of behaviours it seems unlikely to improve and may in fact spiral further downwards as weight and associated physical health issues increase.
It's truly time for you to stock and assess the situation for you and your children best interests going forward. You are their main support in this world and they need the best version of you as a parent and right now you and it sounds as though you are reaching crisis point mentally physically and financially. You have also identified the cause of all of these crises.
The hardest question is what are you going to do about it? You know your options are pretty much-

1. Change nothing and stagger on as this situation and you deteriorated under the strain.
2. Somehow find the trigger to motivate your husband into action for change- long term and meaningful change ( not actually your responsibility)

3. Seriously consider and plan a life away from your DH. There truly is a point when we must cut loose to save ourselves or our children . You are clearly a,loving supportive and giving person and you'll probably find it very hard to think of leaving your ill DH. You must think of yourself and the children if he won't make change. Good luck 💗💗

You've done so much and should be proud of yourself - you have the patience of a saint. after 9 years I think it's time that he has to deal with this. He has to accept responsibility for how his depression affects himself, you and your family as a whole. If he won't do anything that finally changes things for the better how long can you go on? Your children deserve a healthy Mum as well as Dad.

You can support him but ultimately he has to want to change and try everything to find the thing that works for him. If he doesn't then he has to accept his actions will cause the break up of his family.

Honestly, OP, and I know I'll get flamed for this, but I would leave him.

I would too Neverwouldhave, for my own MH and for my children. I can see no other catalyst for change

Thank you for your replies.

I have considered my options, it seems I can't see the wood for the trees right now.

It was so difficult to post about this. He is a very private person and absolutely hated me talking to anyone about his/our issues, so I really struggle to get a genuine outsiders view of the situation.

He adores the children, it's the one point where he does do his fair share. In fact I've recently tried to take a bit of a stand in saying that he has to take on lions share of the responsibility for reading/homework/school prep as it's the one thing I know he'll force himself to do regardless of how he's feeling.

It's all too easy for me to say he should
See the doctor
Try different meds/doses
Different forms of counselling
Eat better
Lose weight
Go to the gym

I can't make him do those things though.

He has at least 3days a week where the children are at school and every day he goes to bed as his back is hurting/his heads hurting/ he feels unwell.

I keep seeing these inspirational quotes about supporting people with mh issues, getting under their dark blanket with them and just holding them talking them through it. I can no longer tell him it will get better, because I've stopped believing in it myself.

I would have to start planning a different life. He is not seeking and taking the help that he needs. You will burn out with the pressure and the tip toeing around. Ultimately you are not his mother.

There is supporting someone who is actively trying to better the situation.

But this i not what's happening here. Your DH is not helping himself. And ultimately he has to if he wants to have a happy healthy family unit.

After 9 years I'd be making roads to leave. My mental health would be at break point.

You have shouldered all responsibility for 9 years. He doesn't have to do anything g about it really as you are carrying his load as well as your own.

He must see how unhealthy this is for you and your family unit? He needs to sort himself out now, you can't do it for him. You can show him the way but only he can take those steps.

Put yourself first and your kids. They need a fully functioning parent. Hopefully two fully functioning parents but you cannot do this for him.

Very gently you need to see whether you are enabling him rather than supporting him - a fine line I'm sure.

I think you have valid points.

I have started to wonder if I'm enabling him rather than supporting him. If he struggles with something, I offer to do it instead, at the time I think I'm only offering to get through the here and now, but then somehow the responsibility never seems to get handed back.

I have asked him to consider increasing his hours now the children are both at school, but he said he can't possibly consider it, and tbh when I hear him physically retching while trying to get himself ready for work I feel ridiculously vile for even suggesting it.

I think you're being played OP.
So sorry.

He needs to keep taking the AD's really - if he won't help himself then there is little that you can do, OP. And it is the lack of willingness to help himself that would be the issue for me there.

Sometimes you do need to push back a bit to stop them from making their world even smaller. Otherwise he will do less and less, and still not feel any different.

I doubt he has told the counsellor that he has stopped AD's. I would seek help from the GP yourself, although this may bring on a crisis with him (and that needs to be pushed back on) as MH issues make the sufferer very selfish and focused on their own needs. Good luck.

You're not doing him any good, OP. It has to come from him, not you. It's a very, very hard lesson for anyone in your position to learn.

I feel for your children, living under such a cloud, and feel for you, too.

I think it would be better for you and the children to leave him, I'm afraid. I'd say he can see the children whenever he likes, but that they have to live with you. It's not fair on them to live with someone who's so depressed.

It goes without saying he should see his doctor and stick to the meds given to him, but I doubt he'll do those things.

I left my ex partner of 7 years because he was just like yours. He didn't help himself at all, wouldn't even attend doctors appointments I'd make and take him to. I had depression myself and really made the effort to change.
I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you. You've done so much.

@pallasathenat

What makes you think I'm being played? I just don't think someone could keep the pretence up for this long?

@Darkclouds123

He says he has told his counsellor about stopping the ADs, as for the GP I'd feel like I was wasting their time saying I need help because my partner has depression, I don't think I do have depression, not yet anyway, which is food for thought in itself.

@HollowTalk this is one of my biggest worries, in reality he is the main parent because he is simply here more than I am. He does more school runs, more school activities. Maybe I would have to leave, and I just couldn't do that. Also he couldn't afford to rent anywhere, not on 2 days a week salary. We've had to have the discussion before that his contribution doesn't cover his share of bills. All money goes into one pot, and we get equal personal spends a month, but out of the joint pot his personal outgoings such as phone and other commitments are more than mine are. In the past he's got himself into trouble with loans etc and that's one of the reasons I took over the finances. His personal money is gone within days, generally spent on food tbh.

@whiskersonkittenss

What eventually made you decide you couldn't do it anymore if you don't mind me asking?

I know I've withdrawn affection now, he doesn't shower or brush his teeth often enough, generally only on work days. I've tried to explain this makes me feel like his work colleagues deserve him to be clean but I don't. He can't cut his own toe nails anymore, another thing left for me to do. He gets anxiety going to the hairdresser so I cut his hair. Another thing for the list.

God maybe I am just a mug that's being played.

sounds like a mix of laziness too, I think you are enabling him to some extent.

wow, my ex could be your partner!
I think when it got to a point where I was doing everything, working and at home, and he wouldn't help or made things more difficult for me, that's when I had enough. by the end I felt nothing toward him and when I left I felt a weight lifted.