Twins ! How do you cope

[Twinmummy20]

Hey, my twins are 5month old and two completely different babies, the boy is fantastic he’s a happy little lad, the girl however is actually driving me crazy, I feel like I’m failing them both, all she does is cry and want constant attention, she doesn’t stop until she’s picked up and wakes around the house, I feel on him because he’s not getting as much as her, she’s rolling over etc but he’s yet to do that, I’m bad with my nerves today I just don’t know what to do anymore, my hubby works 12hour days and tries his best when he comes back, but she won’t let anyone feed her and he’s now following suit, I feel like I need more hands, am I doing something wrong 😪 she’s that hard work he just gets put in his chair and gets on With it, I just sit and cry and wonder where I’m going wrong, she puts me in a state of depression where I start to regret having her, sounds awful and I’m totally heart broken by it all, I just don’t understand her at all. Ps I’m not depressed or anything and I love them with all my heart I just need to know where I’m going wrong 😪

My twins are 14 now but things that helped were:
Electric swing chair - stopped DS crying on a high setting
The cheap wire framed chairs - one each and you can wedge them together and bounce them both with one foot while you sit and have a rest - mine used to fall asleep and nap in them.
Front baby carrier - DD was smaller so she used to go in there for hands free around the house and also for supermarket so DS could stay in his car seat and go on the special trolley and I could carry DD with free arms to shop/push trolley.

You are doing a great job - it’s hard work but it will get easier

Thank you for replying, I do hope it gets easier I’ve seen nothing like her 🙈 my two older children were fab babies, we have the bouncers and a carrier, I just didn’t think having twins would be soo hard 🙈😂.

Do ask for help from your health visitor. Get in contact with some twin groups and get advice. Good luck xxx

Hi OP. I had similar. One easy going baby. One constant crier who wouldn't feed. I remember feeling sick with guilt once for sitting for two hours with my back to DT1 while trying to coax DT2 to eat. DT1 was tiny but left to his own devices so much. To this day he;s less physically affectionate and a lot more self contained and I do wonder why. (But he is very very happy and confident and loving, so no long term harm done.)

Things that helped:
Find out why she cries. She could be in pain with colic or reflux. Try infacol, colief, gaviscon etc and if on formula move to an easy to digest on, or try non cow's milk. If BF, try reducing spicy foods or dairy from yur diet for a week, just to see if it helps.

See if there's a Homestart in your area and try to get help a couple of times a week, so you can focus on your non crying DT. Don;t worry if she shouts when first cuddled by the helper or by your husband, she'll get used to it eventually, especially if she's tucke dup in a blanket that smells of you. Sleep on the blanket then she can be wrapped in it later.

Take them out in the double buggy - facing out onto the world, not up at you. I did this for hours every day. The fresh air and the sights and sounds seemed to soothe them. And if DT2 wouldn;t stop screaming and I had tried everything else, I'd just walk in noisy places, so at least I wasn;t getting stressed by the shouts, and could deal with them better after a break from them.

Agree with PP about the rockers and bouncers.

It is a tough time. I'll be honest, I hated the first year. It was really demoralising watching all these new mums snuggling up with one easy baby while I had a screaming fury and another baby on top. But that year passed. They are now 17 and I can honestly say it was the only hard year of their childhood. They were cute toddlers, didn;t tantrum, potty trained easily and they've been really calm teens - no rows and strops. Every parents has a very tough period of child rearing and it seems you got your bad year early with your daughter. With any luck, she'll be all screamed out by the time she's one.

OP - it's not you, it IS hard. Just do the best you can and don't beat yourself up about it! My DD was like yours and was not a happy baby. DS was always happy. Now they are 9 and they have completely swapped personalities. DD is always cheerful and easy-going and DS is lovely but what a grump!

I agree about getting out and about. Some days it seems like a massive effort for not much reward but it really does help.

Op have you taken your girl to the docs to checkout for silent reflux etc? Any rashes etc that might be indicative of a reaction rather than the ubiquitous "viral rash"?

Yeah spoke to health visitor who suggested I leave her to cry for a little while only a few minutes instead of jumping soon as she starts, the noise just drives me crazy, she said there is nothing wrong With her she just likes attention, once she’s been picked up she stops 🙈, she gets to have her food etc in calmness and him the poor soul just hears her screaming 🙀. I’m definitely going to try the pram out facing instead of to me, that’s worth a try might get her used to people, she doesn’t like strangers and cries soon as someone talks to her. I have a local baby and toddler group, that turned out to be a nightmare the other mothers weren’t that friendly tbh,I felt like I was an alien, I’m sat with both babies, she’s screaming to be picked up n they all look at you,commenting on how he was left on the mat ( right next to me)😪

No real advice, but lots of 'been-there' sympathy from me. I think this scenario is fairly common with twins - in my case DS was the high needs one and DD spend large chunks of her first year sitting in her bouncy chair.
I found twins group run by the children's centre a lot easier than regular toddler groups for the reasons you've mentioned! If you have one nearby, do try it. Homestart is a good idea if you have it, or taking any help you can from friends/family. My FIL would come over and bath DS and walk him around one evening a week so I could concentrate on DDs (like you I had a much easier first baby too). But I'm sure you've thought of all this already. Essentially, it's just bloody difficult having baby twins, especially if one of them is a tricky baby, and it feels as though it will never end.
In our case, things slowly got easier. DS had reflux which began to improve and our lives changed immeasurably when he was diagnosed with asthma and put on preventer inhalers at 18 months (not suggesting this is the case with your DD at all, it's just what happened with us and I don't think was related to the earlier stuff). DTwins are 11 now and in some ways DS is the easiest going of my 3 children.
Be kind to yourself - it's so hard, but you're doing it, step by step.

the other mothers weren’t that friendly tbh,I felt like I was an alien, I’m sat with both babies, she’s screaming to be picked up n they all look at you,commenting on how he was left on the mat ( right next to me)

On thing I learned early on was ignore all comments, criticism and advice from anyone who doesn't have twins. They know nothing. They really are completely clueless. Only listen to advice or comments from fellow mothers of twins, who you'll find are much more understanding. Look for a twins club near you. I also foudn the local church-run playgroup was lovely. There were lots of granny-aged volunteers who would carry the buggy up and down steps, cuddle whichever baby I wasn't holding and generally went out of their way to make my life easier. There was a lot of compassion.

@Twinmummy20 I've never been where you are now, but I am 19 weeks pregnant with twins. I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to say I think you're doing a brilliant job and ask you gently to stop being so hard on yourself. I am under NO illusions how hard raising two babies is (raising one is hard enough for any parent) but you're giving yourself a really rough time on top of everything else you have to worry about. Maybe give TAMBA or CRY-SIS a ring if you need to chat things through.

www.cry-sis.org.uk/

Take care of yourself. You're working miracles, even if you can't see it just now. Babies grow so fast and soon you'll be looking back on this struggle and smiling because you got through it.

My oldest is 18 now and my middle 9, and my Twins now 5month, I do think you are all right I probably am giving myself a hard time, I don’t remember my other two being this hard but they were obv singletons, she’s sitting on my knee now as I type back 🙈 today hasn’t been as hard as the last two weeks I’ve managed to get her to have an hours sleep 🥳 that’s rare seeing as she doesn’t sleep much 🙈, there are currently no twin play groups or anything like that in my area ( I’m shocked about that tbh ) so I will just persevere With the normal play group thing and just cope with the looks and manage on my own 😂🙈, no one likes to offer to help out they kind of sit in there own little groups, never mind, all the ideas you people have kindly suggested I’m going to try, hubby is going to change the pram around so they are facing outwards. All you lovely people have actually brightened my day it’s gave me someone to talk to, definitely made me feel more positive.

It does get easier. Mine are 9 now and I remember how hard it was. In my case DT1 had a cleft so was really difficult to feed, he also had reflux which the doctor prescribed domperidone and ranitidine for which saved us. Poor DT 2 spent much of his first year ignored and poor DD who was only 2 spent loads of time at nursery. I still feel bad about it now. But it does get easier. Each year gets easier, they are a doddle now ( apart from the fighting).

Like others I would recommend sticking them in a Pram and walking. The cries don’t seem as load outside and the cold air seems to help their breathing and make them sleep.

Mine are 17 months and I'm finding it hard. There's never a break. Put one down, pick one up and repeat

I remember going to a baby book reading session at my local library and the stupid organizer insisted on keeping the door open to be more welcoming - I used to spend the whole 40 minutes chasing after one of my twins as they legged it for the door and then just sitting down again and the other one would be off! It gets easier though.

It's hard, it really is...you are not going wrong, it just is very hard to care for two babies at the same time. Compromises have to be made - I'm sure my advice is out of date now as my twins are 16, but I would say join your local twinsclub - get support from people who know what you are going through. Take care xx

Don't give yourself a hard time! I don't have twins but can only imagine how hard it is. It will get easier. My daughter was a screamer wanting constant attention, could never put her down, and I used music and the vibrate on the chair in the end and she would settle. Also if I left the room I would keep talking to her so she could hear me if she couldn't see me. Also sitting her in front of the washing machine, which I'm sure yours is permenantly on with twins, was some brief entertainment to give me time to breathe, have a wee etc. Good luck xxx