PND when child is 3 years old?

[ourgoldenrules]

I have always struggled with my metal health due to my childhood, have had counselling and been on meds for a number of years. Fairly stable generally but have panic attacks (massively reduced over the years but still have them) and have ‘low’ times and bad anxiety. But I would say I’m as ok as I can be. Was on citalpram 20mg when pregnant but doctor asked me to reduce which I did and suffered terribly and had to go up to 30mg after baby was born.

Baby now 3 years old. I love him as much as anyone could love another person. I adore him. He’s hard work, very hard work at times as all 3 year olds are. I feel I have spoilt him maybe and my sister says she thinks it’s because I want to give him the childhood we never had (security, attention, praise as well as material things and experiences). I am paying for it in ways now as he is demanding, won’t wait, has an awful temper which at times I feel so ill equipped to manage (he is a lovely boy, just sometimes we have bad days like everyone). I have a short fuse and finding it difficult to cope. Someone mentioned to me that I might have post natal depression, I thought I was going to be ‘an earth mother’ and find it all wonderful but actually I’m struggling. I said I don’t know if you can have it so late.

I do feel that maybe he and my DH would be better off without me. DS prefers DH and I seem to annoy him whatever I do. I really try to make things nice for him but he hates me. I am crying now, I have imagined taking lots of tablets or throwing myself of a bridge when I am walking the dog. I wouldn’t do it I don’t think because I’m too scared but I do wonder if they would be a better team without me. Also because I’ve always been up and down with my mental health DH has had a lot to deal with. He has a lot of stress with his job and his parents and I only add to it. I’m not working atm so not contributing to the household, I feel like a failure that I can’t even parent properly. DS is at nursery 3 mornings a week.

I don’t know what I expect from this post, it has been cathartic writing it down. I am sure I will be ok I just have to get on with things as best I can. Thank you for reading even if you don’t reply.

Sounds hard.
PND is known sometimes not to show until 18 months after birth. However that's not to say it's not PND, having ill mental health prior to and through pregnancy it could be your baseline depression worsening. Whichever it is it would be a good idea to go see your gp and discuss treatment.

I hope you're safe and there is help out there.

Ourgoldenrules.

Wish I could give you a huge hug in RL.

I've struggled with depression in the past and this May was the worst it has ever been and I ended up under the care of the Crisis team.

Like you, I thought about taking pills, felt guilty about not contributing enough to the household (especially financially) convinced myself the family was better off without me . .
This is depression talking NOT YOU!
I know you are feeling like shit now, but you can get better.
But you need proper professional help.
Does anyone close to you know how you feel? Can they make sure you get to an appointment with your GP?
Don't worry about your DC's behaviour for now, to be honest sounds like typical toddler behaviour anyway!
But please get help. You can get better.

My family (including DH) have known I’ve been struggling a bit to manage DS and that I’ve been a bit more stressed than usual/quicker to react maybe. They don’t know about my feelings and how low I am. I feel absolutely useless. DH has gone to bed but I’ve had to stay up because I forgot to put the washing machine on for DS uniform for tomorrow, I can’t even do that for him. I am going to the doctors tomorrow, I happen to be due a medication review so perfect opportunity to speak, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to tell my family how I feel because I’m already a burden. I just want to act like everything is normal so I’m not a worry to everyone. It’s hard to think it’s depression talking, I have been waiting all my life to not be plagued by these feelings But it always comes up time and again. I have no reason to complain, I have a lovely life, but the problem in it is me.

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it. Thank you for your help @starfish I hope you feel better now x

My mum had post natal depression until I was at least 4 so I wouldn't be dismissing it due to the age of your child.

How you doing today Ourgoldenrules?

Seriously don't beat yourself up about the uniform thing. God knows a lot of Mum friends of mine (and me) have found ourselves picking up polo shirts off the floor at 11pm and spraying them with febreeze whilst muttering darkly and hoping the felt tip stains aren't too obvious. Tbh I think any teacher is just glad the kids are at school, whatever they are wearing.

I used to ask the psychiatrist what was the point of getting better if I'm just going to feel like shit again in a few months time?
I always felt like I was just ruining the kids lives.
His answer was that children of parents who committed suicide experienced so many more problems than those who were chronically depressed - even if depressed for years. When you are well, even if it is for a short time, you'll find a path forward.

I also felt like the 'fault' of being depressed lay with me. When I first started experiencing depression I was living a life of total privilege.
But you know what? Depression doesn't work like that, its not always the situational reaction we believe it to be. There isn't a cause as such.
Think of it more like a long term, manageable illness like diabetes.
Your body isnt producing chemicals/hormones in an optimal way. You wouldn't tell a diabetic that they should produce more insulin just because their bills are paid, so why should you produce more dopamine or seratonin?
This time of year is also a kick in the (mental) guts for so, so many people. So you're in good company.
Be kind to yourself. You are poorly now, so be nice to yourself, but you'll be well again.

Hope your GP appointment went well

Thank you so much for checking in @StarfishOfDoom

GP appt was good. It was my first visit to a new surgery since I’ve moved so met a new doctor, he was lovely and I just spilled my guts to him. I told him where I think my depression/anxiety comes from (childhood stuff) and how I’m feeling now. He was very kind and we have a few new meds to try. My DH is going to ring his private medical insurance too and see if I can get CBT or something through them.

I have felt a little weight lifted since I saw GP, maybe because I told him how I was feeling and unburdened myself a bit.

It’s a really worrying place to get yourself into, how I felt on Sunday. Then when you feel better even slightly you can’t imagine ever feeling so bad.

Thank you for your kind words, they mean so much x

Oh OP really feel for you. I am not much help MH wise but relating to your little boys behaviour school will really help him. I think it will be a turning point for you re his behaviour. Will he start September next year? Or the year after? They start realising there's lots of other children in the world and that their behaviour has consequences.

I don't think you need to do anything about it now so don't feel like you have caused this because you haven't. It's normal. Also embrace the relationship your ds and dh have, it's very special and is good for both your son and you. Remember it's not a competition, you work as a team.

Be kind to yourself

3 year olds can be very mean but they don’t mean to hurt you. It’s because they need to test their limits and you as provider of the limits are going to feel the brunt of it.

Depression is like a parasite that feeds off your joy and happiness. Whatever it is telling you, you are at the centre of your child’s world right now and are the foundation of your family. You’re doing a great thing by getting help. Hang in there.