If you are struggling and friends suddenly become wealthy, do you find it changes the friendship?

[DishingOutDone]

I'm wondering if its just me and I'm jealous, but I have a number of friends who have recently inherited large sums of money - I'd be talking £750k to £1million plus. I'm approaching pension age with very little other than the state pension and feel very worried particularly about housing costs. So when people talk about the struggle of deciding what to do with their cash, or how they are perplexed about which cruise to book, I find it a little uncomfortable. I genuinely don't begrudge them the money, but more I find it hard that it highlights my own difficult situation. Plus its hard to have a warm friendship where conversations now are about buying a 2nd or 3rd house where previously it would have been about mutually struggling to pay our mortgages that month.

But if someone comes into money why shouldn't they talk about how they enjoy it? Have you been on the other side and felt awkward too?

I think that only a remarkably insensitive person would bore on about the burden of wealth around a friend who was struggling financially. But I’m a bit surprised you seem to be used to discussing money with your friends. If you weren’t, presumably this wouldn’t be an issue.

I'm intrigued now Brackish as I thought everyone talked about money?

I agree with @Brackish. We don't talk about money in my friendship group at all as a few of us are comfortable but a couple struggle, so we don't discuss it (other than to choose places to go out to that everyone can afford).

I thought everyone talked about money?

Absolutely not. In our friendship group there's quite a mix of financial situations but we rarely talk about money. Everyone knows that the ones who jet off to Singapore several times a year and live in a £4 million house have much more money than some of the rest. But we've all been friends for a long time and that friendship is more important than money.

In my friendship groups we talk about money.

Not in my experience. In part because of situations like yours, where there’s huge disparity of income — I certainly have wealthy friends with trust funds and inherited money, and a novelist friend whose most recent book was optioned for a huge sum, but also friends supporting poor, incapacitated parents, and just about making do in a house share — but also, it’s a fairly dull topic, for me.

When you’re talking about money, OP, what are you saying about it?

I thought everyone talked about money?
I don’t discuss money with any of my friendship groups - you can work out whose got more money than others by the differences in living situations, but it’d be pretty crass and intrusive to discuss such matters I would’ve thought?

But as you and your friends do discuss it, they are being pretty insensitive- do you think they think you’ll be inheriting a large sum too soon? If so maybe set them straight and they might stop inadvertently rubbing your nose in it.

I was part of a large group where literally everyone was struggling with mortgages, we were all similar ages too. Maybe that's why we were talking about it? I'm really intrigued by these answers though, glad I asked as I need some perspective on it.

Brackish do you think its different as these people haven't had a change in circumstance since you met them? Is it harder to be at ease with each other if one suddenly becomes a millionaire?

We don't talk about money. Yes about how much things cost, but no way would we discuss actual figures when it comes to eg inheritances.

I also think I missed something important from my OP - sorry it wasn't intentional, but those in my group who I am referring to who have come into these large sums, having previously been on a modest income, now still talk about not having enough money.

So they'll buy a car one day, tell us about it, then the next say ooo I can't afford that! Have to watch my pennies! when talking about going out to lunch - that sort of thing. I'm wincing writing this down.

no way would we discuss actual figures when it comes to eg inheritances - now I am thinking I'm in with a bad crowd as they've talked about every penny. One the other day announced delightedly "Great news! I'm entitled to even more than I thought!! I'll now get £x and £y as well!!"

My friendship group talk about money, we range from people with a few million to others struggling working in bars etc. There’s nothing wrong with talking about your financial situation, it’s also okay to say if their spending etc makes you feel a bit uncomfortable/jealous.

So they'll buy a car one day, tell us about it, then the next say ooo I can't afford that! Have to watch my pennies! when talking about going out to lunch - that sort of thing.

Having inherited this year myself I can see where they are coming from with this. Obviously as they have inherited, someone close to them has died. In my experience, I am happy to spend the inherited money on the mortgage or a new (to us) car because that’s putting the inherited money to good use. In day to day life though I am fairly frugal and still live based on my wages as I would feel terrible guilt frivolously spending the money I only have because my beloved parents are dead.

Great news! I'm entitled to even more than I thought!! I'll now get £x and £y as well!!

Yeah, that's weird ...

They sound quite vulgar!

No, we’ve all had multiple changes of circumstances, OP. DH and I were temporarily quite comfortable for a few years, after years as penniless postgrads before DH changed field, but we’ve struggled this past year because he quit a job that meant he almost never saw me or DS. One set of friends were so poor (creative fields) that at one point they were camping in another friend’s garden, but are now doing very nicely in Switzerland. The friend who had her novel optioned is estranged from very wealthy parents, and is the sole breadwinner in a family with two SEN sons, and has been on her uppers in the recent past. One is a partner in a start-up, and his income fluctuates hugely depending on turnover. Another friend is a single parent who struggled into a better position now that her son has left home and is independent.

But we don’t sit around talking about it, other than saying ‘Things are a bit tight, so we can’t come and visit’ and the like.

They sound like a good bunch Brackish. Your experience is very different to mine - going a bit off piste here do you think background makes a difference?

Samosaurus interested to hear your experience regarding inherited wealth and maybe that is the factor here; particularly as someone has died in order for them to have that money. But my friends clearly don't have the "guilt" you mention feeling. My parents died many years ago their lives were cut short and I was left in a terrible situation, but thats not for this thread.

DH and I are both from very poor working-class backgrounds, @Dishing, and virtually all of our friends are from more privileged ones, though we’re a spread of nationalities — we met a lot of them at university in the UK.

A few years ago, myself and several of my friends were all getting on the property ladder for the first time at the same time. I did it by saving for over a decade (since I left college), with no help from anyone else, friends of mine all had help, ranging from marrying a man who was earning 5 times more than any of us, to parents gifting my friends money (one tensof thousands and one over a hundred). We all talked about it and none of us felt guilt or jealously, it seemed no different to me than us talking about a new pair of shoes that one of us got on sale or another found in a vintage shop for more money, etc.

I know it wasn't actually an inheritance because someone had died but it has resulted in similar disparity in financial and home situations.

We all continue to live very different financial lives but we all love each other for who we are and we expect to be able to talk freely with each other about whatever is going on in our lives.