Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Am I forcing him to say yes?

23 replies

Backpackethe · 26/10/2019 12:44

Okay so I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 years. I obviously want to get married but he is opposed to the idea. He’s hippy like. Also he’s in huge tax debts because his dad committed fruad by using his name( we’re working on that) , we live in SF so not struggling but short on money. He’s getting a big vacation check and told me by the end of the year we would be engaged. I hate when he fact that he’s not excited at all I feel like I’m almost forcing him. He literally told me marriage means nothing to him. I mean I’m cute he’s eh. He’s getting me a cheapie thing just to “make me happy” . Should I just cancel the whole idea. Can y’all not be assholes thanks lol

OP posts:

snowbear66 · 26/10/2019 13:10

Why don't you wait a year until the debt issue has been resolved first as that doesn't sound good? Could you seperate the debt from yourself legally.
Do you have any fundamental differences in your relationship over issues such as whether you would both like to start a family, buy a house together, etc?
Would he expect to be the main wage earner and for you to reduce your working role if you had children? If you were unmarried and split up you would have no claim for maintenance payments from him.
I would say if you have the same aims as him and after 7 years then I would go ahead with the marriage- if he loves you then but organise it jointly and get to make choices about it yourself.

Oldraver · 26/10/2019 13:15

we live in SF so not struggling..... Can y’all not be assholes thanks lol

^what does this mean ?

I would not be marrying anyone in a lot of debt, though it sounds like he doesn't want to anyway if he's 'only doing something to keep you quiet

Is that really what you want ?

PlinkPlink · 26/10/2019 13:17

You're incompatible.

You want to get married. He doesn't. Big life event which you dont agree on.

Even if he does propose, you will always wonder if he's doing it because you badgered him into it.

I'm sorry but it just doesn't sound like a relationship you should continue with if you want to be married to someone one day.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

Aderyn19 · 26/10/2019 13:19

A lot to unlock here. Personally I would not be able to feel enthusiastic about anything while having this debt and a fraud case over my head. So it might not be as strait forward as not wanting to get married.
I think now is not the time tbh.
You also need to weigh up whether marriage is going to give you financial security or hinder it. Do you plan to have children and of so, what do you want to do about work? The answers should inform whether this is a good idea.
That said, I understand the emotional side of wanting your partner to want to marry you. It often comes down to whether he's willing to do it because it matters to you. Men who really resist marriage but are happy to see you take financial risks because of it are really the ones to avoid.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 26/10/2019 13:19

Yes I think you are.

You should have better standards for yourself and not settle for a man who isn't interested in you.

AmIThough · 26/10/2019 13:19

I mean I’m cute he’s eh.

What does this mean? Yeah you're forcing him. He doesn't want to marry you.

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2019 13:21

I don't really understand either, what is sf? I'm sorry,

Also what do you mean you're cute? You think you're cute or he does?

Does he love you and wish to spend his life with you? That's the key question. Are your values the same? Kids, money, ambitions etc?

Ultimately in reality an engagement can be no more than a gesture. Have you discussed the actual marriage and when that will occur?

BaronessBomburst · 26/10/2019 13:21

I took SF to mean San Francisco.

BaronessBomburst · 26/10/2019 13:24

I don't think he wants to get married. And the debt would concern me a lot.
Without being an arsehole, it sounds like the relationship is not really going anywhere. If you want marriage and a family it might be time to look elsewhere.

thenightsky · 26/10/2019 13:25

SF? South of France?

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2019 13:27

I can only think "shared facilities".

OhJustElfOff · 26/10/2019 13:29

I was thinking south of France until vacation

betternamepending · 26/10/2019 13:29

I need a translation to english...

OhJustElfOff · 26/10/2019 13:30

Sorry, I was thinking south of France until vacation was mentioned and we were requested not to be 'assholes'. He doesn'ti want to marry you, you sound you think you're too god for him so why not find someone you consider more equal?

OhJustElfOff · 26/10/2019 13:31

My phone is really playing up, apologies for typos

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2019 13:32

Op, I think you need to come back and explain a bit better.

But we get the gist, your partner isn't interested in marriage and will buy you a cheapo engagement ring to keep you happy. His lack of interest in marrying you is making you feel you should call it off.

To be fair, you're likely right.

betternamepending · 26/10/2019 13:40

Okay so I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 years. I obviously want to get married
Why "obviously"?*
*
but he is opposed to the idea.
Then you don't get married, either carry on or find someone else. It is pathetic to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you.

He’s hippy like.
Why does this matter?

Also he’s in huge tax debts because his dad committed fruad by using his name( we’re working on that) ,
It would be best to protect yourself financially then.

we live in SF
What does this mean?

so not struggling
But why aren't the debts paid then?

but short on money.
So you are struggling? I mean, not having enough money is strufgling, right?

He’s getting a big vacation check
Great! So is he using it to pay off his debts?

and told me by the end of the year we would be engaged.
Why would he do that if he is opposed to marriage? How are you going to pay for the wedding if you are in debt?

I hate when he fact that he’s not excited at all I feel like I’m almost forcing him.
Well, are you? If he is opposed to marriage then why would he get engaged? Is it your idea? Are you manipulating him to do so?

He literally told me marriage means nothing to him.
It's not nothing though, it has legal implications, how does he feel about that?

I mean I’m cute he’s eh.
What do you mean by this? Do you mean that you don't find him attractive? Why are you with him then?

He’s getting me a cheapie thing just to “make me happy” .
Since he is in debt and you are short on money I think it is wise not to spend too much. Don't you agree?

Should I just cancel the whole idea.
Probably, why would you go on with it?

Can y’all not be assholes thanks lol
Trying not too but it would be easier to read if you used more normal sentences than "he's eh" and "we're in SF". Mumsnet is used by people from all over the world and of all ages. You will get more responses if people understand what you are writing about. I think you genuinly want advice.

SpiderCharlotte · 26/10/2019 13:48

I don't really understand the ins and outs of your post to be honest, but if you feel like you're forcing him then that's not the best really is it?

Livedandlearned · 26/10/2019 13:51

I wouldn't marry him if he had debts. Get them cleared first.

Expressedways · 26/10/2019 14:06

we live in SF so not struggling
My impression of San Francisco was that a lot of homeless people live there and if he owes a lot of money to the IRS then ‘not struggling’ doesn’t sound accurate. Like that statement a lot of your post was nonsense but as a rule don’t join yourself financially to someone with a lot of debt and if being married is that important to you then don’t settle for someone who doesn’t really want to marry you.

HalloweenCandyLeBonBon · 26/10/2019 14:10

Walk away op. You're incompatible. Doesn't even sounds as if you like him that much. Sounds like you like the idea of getting married more than the person you would be getting married to.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 14:14

The only thing that is clear from your op is that you have wasted 7 years of your life with this man. Get rid.

balonzz · 26/10/2019 14:22

So you're with an ugly debt-ridden hippy who doesn't want to get married and you're asking should you force him to marry you?

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.