My mum’s in an abusive relationship

[Kungfupanda67]

My mum is married to a man (not my dad) called Tom. They’ve been together about 15 years, since I was early teens, they’re now both in their early 50s, no children together.

He’s so horrible to her. He drinks huge amounts and turns really nasty, says things he knows will really hurt her. He sulks for days on end, sometimes longer, she does every single bit of housework, he thinks it’s funny. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t even take his own plate to the kitchen. He takes cocaine occasionally, which makes him even worse, although he apparently has stopped this recently. Tonight he has smashed up their lounge, and pinned my mum against the wall with his hands round her throat. Tomorrow she’ll get up and tidy the mess he’s made smashing stuff around the lounge.

He has a history of some really horrific violence, not against women. I’m so scared it’s going to end up with him killing her. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for here, just needed somewhere to be sad for my mum I suppose :(

Such a random post, I’m sat here crying to myself and just needed somewhere to put it all down! It’s usually my mum I phone when I’m upset, and the same for her, so when it’s her I’m upset for I don’t know where to go

Can you not get her out of the house? Have you called the police? Women's Aid?

Unfortunately I live about 100 miles away so I can’t get to get tonight. She doesn’t want me to call the police, he’s in bed now (screaming that he didn’t even hit her) so as far as she’s concerned it’s all alright

Get to her**

Tomorrow, I would go there and take her home with you. Have her file a police report and just get her out.

'He has a history of some really horrific violence, not against women. I’m so scared it’s going to end up with him killing her.'
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49459674
People sometimes don't understand in how bad situation they are. Maybe hours before they died they thought it's not that bad. She needs out. And a lot of support because change is always hard, especially if you've been devalued and you internalised it.

@Aquamarine1029 she doesn’t want to leave :( she doesn’t think it’s that bad, she’s been treated badly her whole life, by her dad, my dad, another ex and now Tom. She’s such a wonderful person, she’s spent her whole life helping everyone else and being trampled on. She thinks I’m really lucky to have found my husband, trying to convince her he is just a normal man because most of them don’t treat women like she’s been treated.

@Peoplematter I will be trying again to convince her that it isn’t normal. I hope she’ll leave one day, but I don’t hold out much hope.

Please go and get her. The fact she is telling you means she knows its not right.

I’d go get her. I’d take my DH in case Tony kicked off. I’d call the police and hope they can attend at same time and arrest Tony. I’d literally go in pack her bags and be like “come on Mum we are going”.

I don’t want to scare you, but men like Tony do not get better. 2 woman a week in the U.K. are murdered by partners. She’s in a fog at the moment. She’s been so broken down that she think she deserves this.

Report last nights episode to the police. Try and get her to see sense.

I know of someone local to me who was like this. He killed his wife eventually. Wasnt even remorseful when the cops came. He went to jail for it. I'm not saying this to scare you, but you have to try and help your mum see the danger she is in.

Women's Trust is amazing. Crucial for making a sense of a situation where due to domestic violence your sense of normal is shifted and/or your mental health is affected.