How do you stop being defined by your childbirth and early years experience?

[Deminism]

Oldest dc is nearly 9 and her conception, birth and early years were quite traumatic for lots of reasons related to her health and mine. I then had two more DCs and all was okay but I obviously have spent the last decade knackered the way you do with young kids, and also processing my experiences. But it dawned on my recently that I still harp on about those early years with DC1 as if it was recent when it is nearly 9 years ago, and I would like my life not to be defined by that really. Yet I struggle to move on from it, if that makes sense. Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice? I mean the whole thing was, and is, massive for me, but recently I realised if I don't sort this all out in my head and move on from it the kids will have left home and my whole self image and identity will still be being defined by her birth and first year.

I'm sorry to hear this. Have you considered counselling? I think that might help.
I don't think you will ever not think about it, but as you say, you need to be able to move on from it. I had a fairly traumatic first pregnancy too and it did definitely absorb my thoughts for a good few years. But now I can tell the story without feeling too upset - almost as if it happened to someone else if that makes sense?
I would say that time is a great healer, which it is, but I would expect you to be feeling better than this after nearly a decade and it may be time for professional help. That experience will always be a part of you but there are therapies that can help you process things so that they don't consume you in the same way. You could see your GP for a referral or look for qualified counsellors or psychologists in your area. If you work outside the home, your employer may have access to such services through occupational health services.
I hope you find a way to feel better soon. Take care, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

I second counselling. Sounds like post traumatic stress. Do see you go, or go privately if you can afford it.

I third councelling. When I was still thinking about my two episodes of PND after Ds1 and 2 and Ds 2 was 7 I had some. It really helped. I did mine over Skype. Now I still remember it but it doesn’t have the same emotional hold over me that it did before

Another one to say counselling here.

And if you don't have the time/money/childcare/other reason then try and work on some CBT skills

Also, try and find a new role beyond being a parent. Be that through a new career, studying (could do the OU), a new hobby, or even just a change of hair colour or clothes, really doesn't matter how, but decide to shed your old persona and start anew.

Something I have found helpful is writing it all down, and then putting it away. You could do this in a folder and word on the computer, but I find there is something very cleansing about the actual written word, so I tend to write letters, put them in envelopes, and physically put them away in a box, so that I have literally "shelved it" to deal with later. This can be helpful if you would like counselling but can not have it right now for whatever reason.

Other people write poems or songs or paint, it does the same thing, it gets the trauma out and helps you move on.

Re. Trauma you need someone to come alongside you and say I get it. The subconsious mind doesn't distinguish time. So talking about it to a good counsellor outside the situation- friends and family may be well meaning but may not always say the right things, have own things going on etc.

The second thing as you recover is to help others. Sharing what you went through, offering advice, fundraise, (just ideas) (being mindful of not doing too much), putting energies into something positive that keeps you emotionally well. This really helped me the most, not to try and forget but to do something positive, and replace sad memories.

Thanks all - yes I have been thinking about counselling - but wondered if there are any other techniques too. I should write it all down, yes.

I had CBT and emdr to help overcome anxiety surrounding a past traumatic event that my brain just could not process and move on from.
I'd say the CBT helped. Unsure about the emdr in my case but have read it's been very helpful for others.